Have you been Married?... Divorced?... What's your History?

[Annie]

Damn... 4 Years. That couldn't have been Easy on anyone. Most I've heard of are about 6mos, but Colorado is pretty Cut and Dried on the Issue.

So how long was the Marriage... "Youngest was 9" leads me to beleive it was about 15 Years?...

When did you Start Realizing it would be the Conclusion that it was?



peace...

Close, 14.5 years. 3 children in 4 years. Oh I knew there were problems from the time I got pregnant with the first. He went to a 'band job'-a hobby, while I was having contractions, his idea of 'consideration' was leaving me with my parents.

Call me stupid, but divorce just wasn't done in my family. Yeah, I had one cousin that divorced due to being married to an alcoholic, but she was a 'free spirit' with no kids and a Harvard Phd. I kept trying to make things work, but he was constantly berating me, then started on the children. Our oldest has learning disabilities, the middle child is extremely gifted, but was also extremely ADHD, and the third was 'gifted' and 'behavior disordered.' See where the psychiatrist came in? That was before the boys were exposed to inappropriate adult behaviors and started acting out on those.

One night he didn't come home. I told him if that happened again, he claimed to have been too tired to drive, that would be it. He said he knew he was 'having problems' and would resume seeing a shrink, when he came back from a 3 day business trip. Well he did, but didn't come home one night the next weekend, until 6am. The next morning he threw a set of car keys at the youngest, 5 at that time, I filed for divorce the following Monday.

Damn... It's Unfortunate that People can be so Selfish...

I can't Imagine not having been there in the Hospital with my Wife for both or our Children... And by Choice?...

My Wife almost Died with our First... She Decided she wanted Natural, and it went South... After about 26 Hours. Those from Hannity will Remember my Brother giving Updates on that back in 2005.

Before I Knew my Daughter, all I couldn't Think of was Losing my Wife and had no Idea what was going to be the Outcome... Lose her or the Baby?... Luckily for us the Options weren't on the Table.

Now that we have (2) Children, I can't Imagine Losing any of them, for anything... Including Divorce.

We plan on having (2) More... Our Son came in an Emergency Situation also, but not a Life Threatening one...

Both Times we were both at the Hospital for the Duration.

(5) Days with the First and (4) with the Second... With our Son, it was the First Time we were away from our Daughter for More than A Night in her (3) Years of Life.

I wouldn't Trade that Experience for ANYTHING.

How Men can Dismiss their Partner and the Child they Assisted in Bringing into this World is Beyond me.

My Sympathies that your Life Took that Turn, and that it Affected Children also.

What a Bastard he is.



peace...

Well thanks for that. Really. It worked out alright, as all three of my 'young adults' are now thriving. They even have a semblance of a relationship with their father. He got caught in another marriage, with two more kids he'll probably screw up, as the wife is nearly a carbon copy of him-they both want the other to care for the kids.

Those kids are lucky though, they have much older steps that read to them and play with them. I hope it works out ok.

I will say I should have been smarter and less emotional when it came to finances with the divorce, I didn't want alimony, was a big mistake. I'm basically deaf and had been a stay-at-home for all those years.

 

[mal]

Close, 14.5 years. 3 children in 4 years. Oh I knew there were problems from the time I got pregnant with the first. He went to a 'band job'-a hobby, while I was having contractions, his idea of 'consideration' was leaving me with my parents.

Call me stupid, but divorce just wasn't done in my family. Yeah, I had one cousin that divorced due to being married to an alcoholic, but she was a 'free spirit' with no kids and a Harvard Phd. I kept trying to make things work, but he was constantly berating me, then started on the children. Our oldest has learning disabilities, the middle child is extremely gifted, but was also extremely ADHD, and the third was 'gifted' and 'behavior disordered.' See where the psychiatrist came in? That was before the boys were exposed to inappropriate adult behaviors and started acting out on those.

One night he didn't come home. I told him if that happened again, he claimed to have been too tired to drive, that would be it. He said he knew he was 'having problems' and would resume seeing a shrink, when he came back from a 3 day business trip. Well he did, but didn't come home one night the next weekend, until 6am. The next morning he threw a set of car keys at the youngest, 5 at that time, I filed for divorce the following Monday.

Damn... It's Unfortunate that People can be so Selfish...

I can't Imagine not having been there in the Hospital with my Wife for both or our Children... And by Choice?...

My Wife almost Died with our First... She Decided she wanted Natural, and it went South... After about 26 Hours. Those from Hannity will Remember my Brother giving Updates on that back in 2005.

Before I Knew my Daughter, all I couldn't Think of was Losing my Wife and had no Idea what was going to be the Outcome... Lose her or the Baby?... Luckily for us the Options weren't on the Table.

Now that we have (2) Children, I can't Imagine Losing any of them, for anything... Including Divorce.

We plan on having (2) More... Our Son came in an Emergency Situation also, but not a Life Threatening one...

Both Times we were both at the Hospital for the Duration.

(5) Days with the First and (4) with the Second... With our Son, it was the First Time we were away from our Daughter for More than A Night in her (3) Years of Life.

I wouldn't Trade that Experience for ANYTHING.

How Men can Dismiss their Partner and the Child they Assisted in Bringing into this World is Beyond me.

My Sympathies that your Life Took that Turn, and that it Affected Children also.

What a Bastard he is.



peace...

Well thanks for that. Really. It worked out alright, as all three of my 'young adults' are now thriving. They even have a semblance of a relationship with their father. He got caught in another marriage, with two more kids he'll probably screw up, as the wife is nearly a carbon copy of him-they both want the other to care for the kids.

Those kids are lucky though, they have much older steps that read to them and play with them. I hope it works out ok.

I will say I should have been smarter and less emotional when it came to finances with the divorce, I didn't want alimony, was a big mistake. I'm basically deaf and had been a stay-at-home for all those years.

Well, you can Take Comfort in that I guess... I have seen things End FAR Worse and the Children's Lives are Affected for YEARS and YEARS...

Their Relationships, all of it.

Were you Born Deaf, or did something Cause it?...



peace...

 

[mal]

I can't imagine my wife ever cheating on me. If she did, I'd be heartbroken but I'd try to forgive her. It might make it difficult for me to trust her completely in future.

That's the Difficult Part... And you are Thoughtful in your Attempt to be Open to Forgiveness...

As one would Hope that their Spouse would be.

Mistakes Happen, and even with Cheating, there can be Forgiveness.

Many Times though, the Person who Cheated doesn't want to Stay, and that's where it gets Messy.

Being Rejected by someone you have Dedicated your Life to has to be one of the Most Devistating things that can happen to a Human.



peace...

 

[Annie]

Damn... It's Unfortunate that People can be so Selfish...

I can't Imagine not having been there in the Hospital with my Wife for both or our Children... And by Choice?...

My Wife almost Died with our First... She Decided she wanted Natural, and it went South... After about 26 Hours. Those from Hannity will Remember my Brother giving Updates on that back in 2005.

Before I Knew my Daughter, all I couldn't Think of was Losing my Wife and had no Idea what was going to be the Outcome... Lose her or the Baby?... Luckily for us the Options weren't on the Table.

Now that we have (2) Children, I can't Imagine Losing any of them, for anything... Including Divorce.

We plan on having (2) More... Our Son came in an Emergency Situation also, but not a Life Threatening one...

Both Times we were both at the Hospital for the Duration.

(5) Days with the First and (4) with the Second... With our Son, it was the First Time we were away from our Daughter for More than A Night in her (3) Years of Life.

I wouldn't Trade that Experience for ANYTHING.

How Men can Dismiss their Partner and the Child they Assisted in Bringing into this World is Beyond me.

My Sympathies that your Life Took that Turn, and that it Affected Children also.

What a Bastard he is.



peace...

Well thanks for that. Really. It worked out alright, as all three of my 'young adults' are now thriving. They even have a semblance of a relationship with their father. He got caught in another marriage, with two more kids he'll probably screw up, as the wife is nearly a carbon copy of him-they both want the other to care for the kids.

Those kids are lucky though, they have much older steps that read to them and play with them. I hope it works out ok.

I will say I should have been smarter and less emotional when it came to finances with the divorce, I didn't want alimony, was a big mistake. I'm basically deaf and had been a stay-at-home for all those years.

Well, you can Take Comfort in that I guess... I have seen things End FAR Worse and the Children's Lives are Affected for YEARS and YEARS...

Their Relationships, all of it.

Were you Born Deaf, or did something Cause it?...



peace...

Born with serious hearing loss. It's now bi-lateral 76%. Hereditary, which probably was the saving grace regarding language. My mom was as hard of hearing or moreso. Yet, because her father was profoundly deaf, she learned to speak distinctly and vary her tone. Indeed, she did public speaking.

 

[mal]

Well thanks for that. Really. It worked out alright, as all three of my 'young adults' are now thriving. They even have a semblance of a relationship with their father. He got caught in another marriage, with two more kids he'll probably screw up, as the wife is nearly a carbon copy of him-they both want the other to care for the kids.

Those kids are lucky though, they have much older steps that read to them and play with them. I hope it works out ok.

I will say I should have been smarter and less emotional when it came to finances with the divorce, I didn't want alimony, was a big mistake. I'm basically deaf and had been a stay-at-home for all those years.

Well, you can Take Comfort in that I guess... I have seen things End FAR Worse and the Children's Lives are Affected for YEARS and YEARS...

Their Relationships, all of it.

Were you Born Deaf, or did something Cause it?...



peace...

Born with serious hearing loss. It's now bi-lateral 76%. Hereditary, which probably was the saving grace regarding language. My mom was as hard of hearing or moreso. Yet, because her father was profoundly deaf, she learned to speak distinctly and vary her tone. Indeed, she did public speaking.

That Sucks... Can't Imagine what it's like, or being Blind.

My Wife worked with the Deaf in School, and we have Taught both of our Children Sign Language... Not all of it, but enough that when they are Babies that it Assists in Communication before they can Verbalize. The Boy seems to be More Audible than my Daughter was and doesn't Use it as much.

At 4 now my Daughter is Constantly Audible...



peace...

 

[RodISHI]

The most amazing thing women who are abused learn is...you are not alone. There is no new story in the world, and when the abused learn it, it's an epiphany and brings control back into their lives.

God bless your granny and you too, Rodishi.

We're all assholes at some point. I certainly take my share of responsibility for the really crappy decisions I made when I was younger which lead to pain, heartache and poverty for myself and my kids (thank God I have a self-sufficient and very helpful family..I pray daily for women who don't have that support because as hard as it is when you have that support, it's almost impossible to survive without it), and it has become my middle aged goal never, ever to repeat them.

I think many things are a part of learning and growing here in this world. I know in all things we have to learn to overcome whatever it may be. My heart goes out to women in places that have no hope. That spirit of hate and control rules over many hearts in this old world. My ex told me twenty years later he scared himself. He also told me he almost starved to death and went into details of his life after I declined to have him anywhere near me. I told him God creates all justice, you deserved worse. He agreed. He married twice gals that did not put up with any shit. One I talked to that had divorced him, she was a biker gal, tough. I laughed so hard as she related their relationship to Rod and I. It took me almost ten years to file the proper papers for child support. When I did he filed for custody. His last wife at that point hired a powerful attorney. I went to court prose. The attorney was also a part time judge their. Tricky asshole he was. Rod and I drove 900 miles to go to court after I finally got the sucker served and a court date was set. We sat there in the court while they called roll call. The judge called the first case and my case was not mentioned so I asked why. the judge said oh your case will be heard at 1:00 room such and such. I had told Rod before I'd asked why my name was not called, that is ..... attorney, Rod said nah. Sure enough one we got into the other courtroom and the judge from that morning was the ex's attorney. Slick asshole he thought I suppose. If I had not asked we could have missed my day in court. Once finally in front of a real judge this guy asks for a judges chambers meeting. He thinks the judge will exclude me from whatever it is he is up to. The real judge did not. Fact he admonished this asshole in front of me telling the guy how ridiculous he was and ordered payments to be made immediately. A month later we are back to court in front of a family court person. I knew how to trip ex's trigger, I mean you go through that many years of abuse you get a basic understanding of what pisses someone off. Did not lie or anything like that just said the truth. Ex slammed his fist down on the guy's table and started making his demands. He got nothing other than a bill long past due. He has never paid over seventeen thousand dollars of child support but oh well. He did have to pay a few thousand while the children were teens, it helped.

Not sure how you can build courage in those who are abuse other than go through it all and then be able to say to someone "You can!" It takes a lot of years to teach people understanding, you or I did not learn it overnight either. I suppose what really still bothers me is the old outdated precepts so many people still have. Or those who get ahead and then think they are better for some reason or another than others. A very dear friend told me "Big wheels move slow". The world moves pretty slow in changing it's ways.

 

[AllieBaba]

I interviewed a police chief who was retiring after decades, and I asked him the one thing he had learned from all those years that surprised him. His answer...

"How hard it is for abused women to get out of an abusive relationship." He said even though he was a veteran officer by the time he was a chief, he always had the attitude that if a woman was abused, and wanted out of the relationship, she'd just go. He had disgust for women who kept going back.

He said as a chief and seeing so many cases of DV, he came to the realization that it is a heartbreaking and often impossible step for a woman to take. Not only are they MOST at risk when they leave, they have to deal with either leaving the kids behind with someone they fear might hurt the kids or prevent them from seeing them, or taking the kids out of the home with nothing..no money, no transportation, nowhere to go, and depend upon complete strangers or family to support them until they are able to become self sufficient.

And they generally have barriers. They may be missing teeth (try to get a job missing your front teeth), they may have psychological and physical issues, they may have addiction issues and fear issues and social issues.

I deal with the attitude from my co-workers almost every day. We have money available to help DV victims become safe...but over and over I see my co-workers deny this money to women because they want money to move into an apartment in the same city...where they're families are, and according to the workers, this won't make these women "more safe" so they deny the funds. It makes me so mad I could spit. How is it more safe to require the women to leave the country....they can be traced, they can be found. Our own workers have idiotically given out location specifics to "secret shoppers" who are testing our practices. How many more times has it happened when the actual abusers are after the information?

Anyway. I could go on and on. It gives me a fucking rash, though. Glad you got out, I'm glad for anyone who gets out.

My abusive ex, btw, I just found out has had yet another restraining order filed against him by yet another girl...that makes 3 or 4 I think. Someone's going to shoot that fucker some day. I did leave the area completely, I didn't want it to be me who did the dirty sob in.

 

[Wicked Jester]

Married a lil' more than 15 years to an absolutely amazing and beautiful lady.
Three incredible kids. Twin 8 year old daughters, and our adopted, just turned 3 year old son.
Life is good.
We dated for 2 years before moving in with each other. We lived together for 5 years while we both attended school, and married shortly after we began our careers. Our marriage has always been strong.
We waited until we were well on our way to being financially set for life before having kids. It was a smart move. We don't have the stress of having a tight financial situation while raising kids, one of the prime reasons why marriages never make it. Our kids will never have to worry financially. Their college funds are protected and set in stone and, they stand to inhereit a lot of money when we pass on.
Interesting thread, btw.

 

[RodISHI]

I didn't want it to be me who did the dirty sob in.

We used to cut shrub oak in the mountains on weekends back then. Going up a winding grade one day the pickup hit ice and started sliding sideways. I told him I want out. Took my daughter in my arms and got out of the pickup. He was the kind that would not stop to ask directions, nor was he going to back down the mountain road. I got a pretty good distance away from the pickup and was deciding to walk back home seven miles if push came to shove. He kept on spinning the wheels on the icy spot in the road and the pickup got closer and closer to the edge. It was hundreds of feet down if the truck kept on going off the road. He yells at me to push the back of the truck back onto the road. At that point I'm thinking "should I?" I had to really consider it heavy. If I stood where I could push on the back end of the pickup I would be in danger also if it continued going off sideways of the road. Plus heck if he went off the road it would be something like suicide right or would I be guilty of allowing dumbass to slide off the road if I did not help? He yells again for help. I look at my precious daughter and look at him and the pickup. Finally decided to help him by pushing the rear end of the truck back toward the road. Tell daughter to stay put and by now truck is at the point if it goes another two inches he's gone. It was the last time he wanted to go cut wood.

I've known abused woman over the years and have seen and understood where their fear comes from. The worst case I ever knew was a gal that was born to a concubine. Her mom was a spanish and her dad was an irish mormon elder. I still wonder all the time how and where she is today. She told me one day with her two black eyes I simply did not understand. I told her this is America and yes I do understand. You were born free no matter what anyone else tells you. I think all cases are different. For her the best thing she could do was move to another place away from the local bullshit towns where she lived. She was smart and beautiful. The one thing that got her attention was when I asked her "Is this what you want for those two beautiful girls of yours?"

 

[mal]

Married a lil' more than 15 years to an absolutely amazing and beautiful lady.
Three incredible kids. Twin 8 year old daughters, and our adopted, just turned 3 year old son.
Life is good.
We dated for 2 years before moving in with each other. We lived together for 5 years while we both attended school, and married shortly after we began our careers. Our marriage has always been strong.
We waited until we were well on our way to being financially set for life before having kids. It was a smart move. We don't have the stress of having a tight financial situation while raising kids, one of the prime reasons why marriages never make it. Our kids will never have to worry financially. Their college funds are protected and set in stone and, they stand to inhereit a lot of money when we pass on.
Interesting thread, btw.

Thanks... And Thanks for Sharing... Your Story sounds a lot like the Wife and I's...

She's working on her 2nd Masters now, but at a Slower Pace, and we just started having Children in 2005. We Purchased our Home before we Married about a Decade ago and Dated for a LONG time... But it was like being Married. Part of why we got Married when we did was the Health of her Father and Mine at the Time... Both have since Passed.

Being Financially Stable when you have Kids is the Best Path, but it's not the Path that Many can Take...

It's also Important for People who are going to have Kids to Realized that you are Dedicated to that Child for 18 Years of your Life...

As for your Coin... Damn, can I have some?...

Good for your on getting Shit Straight before having Kids!

Makes Enjoying them so much Easier.

I can't Imagine Stressing about Finances and my Sons Flu right now...

They said $70 for his Tamaflu on Friday and it wasn't even a Consideration but to Purchase it, and in no way a Stress on us Financially...

Then I watched someone Question whether or not they were going to get a Prescription because of the Price...

That would Suck.



peace...

 

[Wicked Jester]

I didn't want it to be me who did the dirty sob in.

We used to cut shrub oak in the mountains on weekends back then. Going up a winding grade one day the pickup hit ice and started sliding sideways. I told him I want out. Took my daughter in my arms and got out of the pickup. He was the kind that would not stop to ask directions, nor was he going to back down the mountain road. I got a pretty good distance away from the pickup and was deciding to walk back home seven miles if push came to shove. He kept on spinning the wheels on the icy spot in the road and the pickup got closer and closer to the edge. It was hundreds of feet down if the truck kept on going off the road. He yells at me to push the back of the truck back onto the road. At that point I'm thinking "should I?" I had to really consider it heavy. If I stood where I could push on the back end of the pickup I would be in danger also if it continued going off sideways of the road. Plus heck if he went off the road it would be something like suicide right or would I be guilty of allowing dumbass to slide off the road if I did not help? He yells again for help. I look at my precious daughter and look at him and the pickup. Finally decided to help him by pushing the rear end of the truck back toward the road. Tell daughter to stay put and by now truck is at the point if it goes another two inches he's gone. It was the last time he wanted to go cut wood.

I've known abused woman over the years and have seen and understood where their fear comes from. The worst case I ever knew was a gal that was born to a concubine. Her mom was a spanish and her dad was an irish mormon elder. I still wonder all the time how and where she is today. She told me one day with her two black eyes I simply did not understand. I told her this is America and yes I do understand. You were born free no matter what anyone else tells you. I think all cases are different. For her the best thing she could do was move to another place away from the local bullshit towns where she lived. She was smart and beautiful. The one thing that got her attention was when I asked her "Is this what you want for those two beautiful girls of yours?"

Any man who lays a violent hand on a woman is a complete dirtbag, and vice versa.

 

[Si modo]

Divorced. Not against marrying again, but much wiser about it, most definitely.

 

[JakeStarkey]

Widowered, then remarried. Each has been wonderful to me. I have never known anyone else that way. Never wanted to. If one's best friend is one's mate, who would want to?

 

[mal]

Widowered, then remarried. Each has been wonderful to me. I have never known anyone else that way. Never wanted to. If one's best friend is one's mate, who would want to?

As Sad as that Sounds, you are also a Blessed Person...



peace...

 

[mal]

Divorced. Not against marrying again, but much wiser about it, most definitely.

You Strike me as Good People... I am Sorry that your Marriage did not Work out...



peace...

 

[KittenKoder]

Never been married, never will unless my religion's type of marriage is included by the law, and even then probably not until I am much older.

 

[mal]

Never been married, never will unless my religion's type of marriage is included by the law, and even then probably not until I am much older.

Which Religion is that?...



peace...

 

[manu1959]

married....13 years...two kids......if the wife ever cheated she would cease to exist on that day.....i would never cheat ....ever....i have too much respect for myself ...my wife and my children.....

 

[KittenKoder]

Never been married, never will unless my religion's type of marriage is included by the law, and even then probably not until I am much older.

Which Religion is that?...



peace...

Ra ... I am a priestess of Bastet. Ancient Egypt was the last time my religion was popular, but meh, I love the belief system and those beliefs followed my own personal ones when I had matured to an adult so much that I just had to learn the rest of it, which was hard because I had to learn to read the ancient language to understand it better, but meh.

 

[manu1959]

I don't have strong or any opinions on other's marriages, seems to me that's between them.

As for me, I married a very intelligent, sexy geek. He made and makes lots of dollars, he's doing even better in this economy. I have three young adults, whom I love very much. We were finally divorced when my youngest was 9. It took 4 years.

Looking back, shouldn't have married him, but ah hindsight. He is a total narcissist and it caused much psycho pain for myself and the kids. He managed in 10 minutes of testimony to be ordered to undergo a psych evaluation, in the 2nd year of the divorce, which he was fighting. Funny thing, he was already 'engaged' to his now wife, while fighting the divorce and saying in open court, "Why should I have to pay for kids that aren't doing me any good?" Yep, the later was why a psych evaluation was ordered, along with a halt to his visitation.

Because of his problems, the divorce dragged on, with some amusing stories, but much more heartache for the kids than should have been allowed. As for me, my best day was when my youngest turned 18 and I no longer had to discuss anything with him. I was lucky that I had sole custody and supportive family and friends. Also excellent psychiatrist for the kids, which eventually helped to pull all of us through.

I can speak to him now, a few sentences. We got through graduations and I'm certain we'll have a wedding or two in the next few years. Funny thing, his wife has repeatedly tried to 'talk to me.' That's not happening. She even tried to 'confide' in my daughter that she thinks I might help her, regarding problems with her kids-now 5 & 8. That too is not happening. I never blamed her, it was my ex's cheating that ultimately led to the divorce, which I didn't know at the time. For me, it was the problems he had with the kids, so I've a guess that's her problem now too.

Damn... 4 Years. That couldn't have been Easy on anyone. Most I've heard of are about 6mos, but Colorado is pretty Cut and Dried on the Issue.

So how long was the Marriage... "Youngest was 9" leads me to beleive it was about 15 Years?...

When did you Start Realizing it would be the Conclusion that it was?



peace...

took my parents 6 years....dad was an attorney...mom a psychologist.....bloody hell what a war.....