Baby Got Bouillon

[excalibur]

Oh my. Oh my, my. my, my, my.

​

Public Service Announcement: If you ever build a time machine, don’t travel back to the 1800s to give Frederick Douglass a briefing on the future.​

​

“Such wondrous things you describe! Air travel! Smallpox eradicated! People communicating from one end of the earth to another via small handheld devices that send information through the ether! But tell me…what of my people? What of my good and noble race?”​

​

“Well, Mr. Douglass, when I left they were injecting bouillon cubes into their anuses, but at least they stopped gluing their hair to their scalps.”​

​

“Can you go back in time to before you told me that and…just…not tell me that?”​

​

​

Yes, the newest craze among women of color has them injecting their butts with bouillon. It’s a fad that began several years ago in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where large-bootied females are seen as the be-all (rear)end-all standard of beauty. Most Congolese women can’t afford fancy plastic surgery (indeed, the Congo doesn’t have very many fancy plastic surgeons anyway). So for some odd reason (one that likely explains the nation’s lack of Pulitzers), Congolese women got it in their heads that if they inject chicken stock up their rumps, the seasoning and salt will cause the tissue to expand, turning the recipient into every rap star’s ultimate fantasy.​

​

Perhaps King Leopold got a bad rap. Might be that at least some of those deaths were attributable to behavior like this.​

​

There’s a popular song, “Ntaba ya Bandundu,” that celebrates the bubble-butt custom, and there’s a how-to video on the practice, courtesy of Vice. The cubes of choice in the Congo contain iodized salt, sugar, chili, pepper, cloves, onion, corn starch, palm oil, soya lecithin, caramel coloring, and monosodium glutamate.​

​

Congo: the only place on earth where you have to specify “no MSG” before a booty call.​

​

Although, sadly, that “only place on earth” thing isn’t entirely true. The practice has started to catch on in the U.S. And that shouldn’t be a surprise. Remember O’Neal Morris? “She” was the black transgender amateur plastic surgeon who was raking in the bucks by injecting the posteriors of black women with cement and Fix-A-Flat to enhance their bootyliciousness. This “Florida woman” was arrested after one of her patients, Shatarka Nuby, died from the procedure. Dozens of others were permanently maimed by Morris’ cement-bottom treatments (treatments that, it’s fair to say, didn’t exactly help blacks with their swimming difficulties).​

​

So, is there any shock that African-American women are copying the Congolese fad?​

​

It’s gotten so bad, last week a medical doctor named Silas Agbesi issued a plea on Twitter for women in the U.S. and Africa to let their seasoned buns deflate:​

​

​

Stop pumping seasoning cubes into your anus to widen your buttocks. It is not safe. It can lead to Hypertension. If you crush the seasoning cubes which contains largely salt and inject it into your anus, the lining of the anus would absorb a huge portion of that salt into your bloodstream. Excess salt in the bloodstream is a major contributor to hypertension, especially in Africans. A person, in theory, can develop hypertension from this practice.

​

Rectum? Hell, it killed ’em.​

The Week That Perished

www.takimag.com

 

[Disir]

Oh my. Oh my, my. my, my, my.

​

Public Service Announcement: If you ever build a time machine, don’t travel back to the 1800s to give Frederick Douglass a briefing on the future.​

​

“Such wondrous things you describe! Air travel! Smallpox eradicated! People communicating from one end of the earth to another via small handheld devices that send information through the ether! But tell me…what of my people? What of my good and noble race?”​

​

“Well, Mr. Douglass, when I left they were injecting bouillon cubes into their anuses, but at least they stopped gluing their hair to their scalps.”​

​

“Can you go back in time to before you told me that and…just…not tell me that?”​

​

​

Yes, the newest craze among women of color has them injecting their butts with bouillon. It’s a fad that began several years ago in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, where large-bootied females are seen as the be-all (rear)end-all standard of beauty. Most Congolese women can’t afford fancy plastic surgery (indeed, the Congo doesn’t have very many fancy plastic surgeons anyway). So for some odd reason (one that likely explains the nation’s lack of Pulitzers), Congolese women got it in their heads that if they inject chicken stock up their rumps, the seasoning and salt will cause the tissue to expand, turning the recipient into every rap star’s ultimate fantasy.​

​

Perhaps King Leopold got a bad rap. Might be that at least some of those deaths were attributable to behavior like this.​

​

There’s a popular song, “Ntaba ya Bandundu,” that celebrates the bubble-butt custom, and there’s a how-to video on the practice, courtesy of Vice. The cubes of choice in the Congo contain iodized salt, sugar, chili, pepper, cloves, onion, corn starch, palm oil, soya lecithin, caramel coloring, and monosodium glutamate.​

​

Congo: the only place on earth where you have to specify “no MSG” before a booty call.​

​

Although, sadly, that “only place on earth” thing isn’t entirely true. The practice has started to catch on in the U.S. And that shouldn’t be a surprise. Remember O’Neal Morris? “She” was the black transgender amateur plastic surgeon who was raking in the bucks by injecting the posteriors of black women with cement and Fix-A-Flat to enhance their bootyliciousness. This “Florida woman” was arrested after one of her patients, Shatarka Nuby, died from the procedure. Dozens of others were permanently maimed by Morris’ cement-bottom treatments (treatments that, it’s fair to say, didn’t exactly help blacks with their swimming difficulties).​

​

So, is there any shock that African-American women are copying the Congolese fad?​

​

It’s gotten so bad, last week a medical doctor named Silas Agbesi issued a plea on Twitter for women in the U.S. and Africa to let their seasoned buns deflate:​

​

​

Stop pumping seasoning cubes into your anus to widen your buttocks. It is not safe. It can lead to Hypertension. If you crush the seasoning cubes which contains largely salt and inject it into your anus, the lining of the anus would absorb a huge portion of that salt into your bloodstream. Excess salt in the bloodstream is a major contributor to hypertension, especially in Africans. A person, in theory, can develop hypertension from this practice.

​

Rectum? Hell, it killed ’em.​

The Week That Perished

www.takimag.com

I am now scarred for life. I will not only never get that time back. Ever. I can't erase it. Thanks, Excalibur.