Apu's Bonds: A Crook of Dry Figures


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Sep 22, 2013
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Here's one more heist story, a fun vignette inspired by the under-rated Australiam film Money Movers (Bryan Brown). Thanks for reading,


Apu planned the perfect robbery of $10 million bearer-bonds from the Deutsche Bank in London (UK) in the summer of 2010. However, he never could've guessed he'd meet this gorgeous gypsy woman who worked inside the bank as a teller. This sort of threw a monkey-wrench in Apu's plans and visions. He remained nevertheless focused on the immensity of the heist task at hand, given the impressive features of the large London bank that summer.


APU: Coming from Algeria where street revolutions are the norm, bearer-bond theft in London feels like an average trophy.


Apu was born in Algeria to parents involved in the FLN revolution against French colonial rule against Muslims. He witnessed women taking part as weapons runners in veils in the streets. This forever changed he way he thought of federalism and governance. By the time he'd become a professional thief as a man of 29 years-of-age, the idealistic Apu felt more like a pirate of modern theater.


However, this woman who worked inside Deutsche Bank in London (UK) on the day of Apu's extraordinary bearer-bonds heist was a hypnotic gypsy beauty named Danica. She had great blonde hair and a very fit body. Apu was transfixed when he walked into the bank with his two crime-partners, Emile and Rogers. Apu couldn't keep his eyes off her, but she couldn't make out his face, since he was in a disguise, man!


Apu's mother was a collector of rare tea sets from the British Empire. She must've collected hundreds of miniature hand-crafted tea-sets made by artisans all over England. She considered these her crowning trophies at home, and now, Apu daydreamed of gifting one of these pearl magic sets to this amazing Deutsche Bank teller in London. Apu figured she should have one, if he failed to be able to court her into his otherwise pirate life of real danger. This is real news!


DEUTSCHE BANK: We have bearer-bonds in the millions on any given Friday afternoon, and our investors hail from anywhere.


EMILE (Partner 1): A rogue member of the Irish Republican Army, hailing from Thailand; he's a trusted childhood friend of Apu.


ROGERS (Parter 2): A Dutch club footballer, Rogers is a great getaway planner and comprises the third member of Apu's team.


Now, Apu's no fool. He looked the part of the master-thief on the day of the grand heist of the Deutsche Bank in London (UK). In fact, his head gear disguise was quite remarkable! Apu walked in carrying a toy rifle and wearing this head gear and announced with his little electronic voice-amplifier device that he was a terrorist from Iran. Two minutes later, his two crime partners walked into the bank wielding toy rifles too and wearing the masks indicated. Apu couldn't be recognized as the local tobacco store visitor and baseball card store regular since his disguise was too good. However, he couldn't help but keep staring at the lovely gypsy teller named Danica inside the bank that day. What would happen, man?


Ironically, a stroke of good fortune would come along Apu and his two cohorts, Emile and Rogers. For during the heist, UK Princess celebrity Kate Middleton arrived with a TV-crew seeking a report for news about the quality of English banking for the middle-class immigrant population of London. She brought with her three middle-class working immigrants living in London and customers/patrons of Deutsche Bank. They had modest private accounts with the bank which otherwise served very wealthy investors. Princess Kate was in a fine red coat for this televised news report.


Apu grabbed Danica as soon as he saw Kate walk into the bank and analyzed what was happening with Emile and Rogers. Emile and Rogers grabbed the TV-cameramen walking inside with Kate, and Apu told everyone in the bank to be cool. He then whispered into Danica's ear, "Comply with my claim and you won't be hurt!" Apu then spoke into his little electronic voice-amplifier device and stated, "This teller next to me is my secret inside-ally and she's going to walk me to the vault with the bearer-bonds belonging to Saudi prince Ali Fahd (a reputed warlord), while my two partners keep the Princess clean and safe; if all goes well, you'll all get commemorative Commando Cossack paper comics as your souvenir for this special media-day terrorist heist of these corrupted bearer-bonds, alright?"


Danica was stunned and played her part. The bank manager and one escorting guard walked Apu into the vault with the million-dollar bearer-bonds belonging to the corrupt Saudi prince Ali Fahd. Apu stashed the bonds into his fold-out duffel bag and walked out with Danica as his hostage. Emile and Rogers, his two masked partners were meanwhile holding the Princess and one of the guards hostage near the front entrance to prevent others from being allowed to walk inside the bank itself. The inside of Deutsche Bank in London (UK) is quite nice, incidentally, and should be complimented for its very design, folks!


No one cared that the rifles Apu, Emile, and Rogers wielded that day were toys. That's because everyone was basically and simply preoccupied by the fact that during the heist, there was all sorts of terrorism and royalty and corrupt political dioramas being played inside the Deutsche Bank during an otherwise very democratic media day for immigration-related finance reporting.


Two years later, Apu and his two buddies were living in Fiji, having opened a tourist bar on the island. Apu decided to mail to the lovely gypsy-woman who worked inside the Deutsche Bank in London (UK) on heist-day some of the bearer-bonds he stole. He sent her about thousands and had a friend break into her house and hide them in her attic and drop a letter that read, "Find the bonds in your attic, since they're from a strange encounter from the past, a masked man you thought was a real worry."


Apu and Emile and Rogers had hopped onto a double-decker bus after escaping Deutsche Bank in London (UK) that day with Saudi prince Ali Fahd's million-dollar bearer-bonds. They rode to the ariport right before riding to a bonds-exchange center managed by none other than Sargeant Slaughter, clown prince of the underworld!


DANICA: I had no idea this guy was a real pirate, but hopefully the bonds he left in my attic will offer proof of political dementia.


"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)

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