A serious discussion, I need some feedback

[Paulie]

I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.

My son is ME. He's a little version of me. He has my dad, my mom, etc. There's just something that's uniquely special about that.

Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

Except the girl's mother. She doesn't understand why I don't have the same "feeling" towards her as I do my son. Well, she says she "half understands", whatever that means.

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

Thanks.

 

[uscitizen]

do not feel guilted about it. Sounds like you are doing the best you can.
Just keep on givint it your gest shot if you want it all to work out. And unless your wife throws a curve it will all work out.

Keep up the good work.

 

[Modbert]

Don't feel bad Paulie, you're doing your best to try and understand.

However, I would personally believe it's a biological thing. We are more prone to feel that extra something for our loved ones, and this would be especially true for your son.

It doesn't mean you love your daughter any less, not by a mile. It just means you love her slightly differently and that's not wrong. It's just a matter of circumstances.

What does matter though is that you love her as if she was your biological daughter the best you can. Not all guys would be like that.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

I think I see why you aren't with the mom anymore. I don't like her either. I think she is the problem, rather than your relation with the girl.


Father is the guy who does the job. That is the biology. Lots of guys are very good dads to kids who aren't related, and are unaware of the fact. The problem is not the genes, the problem is the awareness, and I think the mom is a mischief maker if she reminds you of that on a regular basis.

 

[Paulie]

I think I see why you aren't with the mom anymore. I don't like her either. I think she is the problem, rather than your relation with the girl.


Father is the guy who does the job. That is the biology. Lots of guys are very good dads to kids who aren't related, and are unaware of the fact. The problem is not the genes, the problem is the awareness, and I think the mom is a mischief maker if she reminds you of that on a regular basis.

No, I'm with her. And it's not on a regular basis, but it does sometimes come up.

She plans on adopting a girl from China in the next 5 years or so. So we'll see if she has those same "feelings" towards the girl as she does her biological children.

 

[uscitizen]

I think I see why you aren't with the mom anymore. I don't like her either. I think she is the problem, rather than your relation with the girl.


Father is the guy who does the job. That is the biology. Lots of guys are very good dads to kids who aren't related, and are unaware of the fact. The problem is not the genes, the problem is the awareness, and I think the mom is a mischief maker if she reminds you of that on a regular basis.

No, I'm with her. And it's not on a regular basis, but it does sometimes come up.

She plans on adopting a girl from China in the next 5 years or so. So we'll see if she has those same "feelings" towards the girl as she does her biological children.

I hope the child is not a band aid experiment to your situation....

 

[Paulie]

It comes up from time to time because sometimes there seems to be this perception that I "favor" my son, or treat the girl differently, if you will.

That may be the case, but he's also only 2, whereas she's 6 and practically independent other than needing her meals cooked for her. She's WAY beyond 6, intellectually speaking.

My son on the other hand, needs more attention simply because he's only 2.

 

[Paulie]

I think I see why you aren't with the mom anymore. I don't like her either. I think she is the problem, rather than your relation with the girl.


Father is the guy who does the job. That is the biology. Lots of guys are very good dads to kids who aren't related, and are unaware of the fact. The problem is not the genes, the problem is the awareness, and I think the mom is a mischief maker if she reminds you of that on a regular basis.

No, I'm with her. And it's not on a regular basis, but it does sometimes come up.

She plans on adopting a girl from China in the next 5 years or so. So we'll see if she has those same "feelings" towards the girl as she does her biological children.

I hope the child is not a band aid experiment to your situation....

Absolutely not. This is something my girlfriend has wanted to do all her life. It's one of her life goals.

 

[Xenophon]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

Go to a family therapist. She needs to sort a few things out.

But don't say it is for her.

Dad's the guy who does the job. Do your best.

feelings toward different kids are partly just because who they are, their own ways of doing things. And I think dads are just a bit distant toward girls anyway. Call it a biological safety check and go no further. Each kid is different and I don't think it is who the biodad is causing the issue.

Anyway, I think you are doing the best you can, which is doing it right. They don't come with instruction manuals, or warrantees.

Give her your best, and she will be a normal kid. Which means in six years you will go through hell.

^_^ I admire you for your efforts.

 

[Paulie]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

I don't lie to my girlfriend. If I think an outfit makes her look fat, she gets the truth.

 

[Xenophon]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

I don't lie to my girlfriend. If I think an outfit makes her look fat, she gets the truth.

Then accept it will always be a sticking point.

 

[strollingbones]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

 

[Paulie]

Go to a family therapist. She needs to sort a few things out.

But don't say it is for her.

Dad's the guy who does the job. Do your best.

feelings toward different kids are partly just because who they are, their own ways of doing things. And I think dads are just a bit distant toward girls anyway. Call it a biological safety check and go no further. Each kid is different and I don't think it is who the biodad is causing the issue.

Anyway, I think you are doing the best you can, which is doing it right. They don't come with instruction manuals, or warrantees.

Give her your best, and she will be a normal kid. Which means in six years you will go through hell.

^_^ I admire you for your efforts.

Yes, I admittedly have a different feeling because of the gender, too. I'm not that dad that plays tea party and dolls. I mean, I'll play it with her, but I would much rather be tossing the ball. She enjoys playing ball, and she even played tee ball last year and was the only girl on her team, and was probably better than half the boys. But she is definitely a girly girl at heart, and that creates a bit of a disconnect.

 

[Sherry]

Your feelings aren't abnormal, but I hope neither one of you ever feels the need to tell your daughter.

 

[SFC Ollie]

I was raised by a Step father. He and Mom had 4 children + Moms other 3. The man was my father more than I can say in words. He never treated any of us any different from the others.

I am now a Step father, though they are all out of the house now. My wife's oldest girl told me never to expect to replace her father. She was the first of them to call me Dad.

All you can do is love them both as well as you can. And best of luck to you.

 

[JenyEliza]

I'm sorry, I can't help you with this.

I have 15 year old twins. I also have a 21 year old step son and a 22 year old step daughter, who are the my ex's children with his 1st wife. I've known my "steps" since they were 1 and newborn. I couldn't love them more than if they were mine, of my own flesh and blood.

Their father (the twins dad) and I are now divorced, but I didn't divorce them. To me--they ARE MINE. Their mother and I get along well and my "steps" (hate that term) call me "Udder Mudder". (as in, Hello Mudder, Hello Fadder.... lol).

My step daughter is about to graduate from U of Florida! (Go Gators) and my stepson recently enlisted in the Air Force. I am very proud of both of them.....same as my 15 year olds. I love all four of them unequivocally and unconditionally. They will always be my children.

I don't understand why you don't connect with your daughter the way I have with my non-biological children---but everyone is different.

I hope and pray you can find this connection---it is wonderful especially as the years go by and they grow up and become adults. You'll see.

 

[Paulie]

Your feelings aren't abnormal, but I hope neither one of you ever feels the need to tell your daughter.

I can't think of a single reason why we would ever need to.

It just bothers me that if it weren't for me being the girl's father, she wouldn't have one at all.

I probably shouldn't have started this thread, it has a TMI feeling to it. Since I have to house to myself tonight though, it was either this or pop a bottle.

 

[Paulie]

I'm sorry, I can't help you with this.

I have 15 year old twins. I also have a 21 year old step son and a 22 year old step daughter, who are the my ex's children with his 1st wife. I've known my "steps" since they were 1 and newborn. I couldn't love them more than if they were mine, of my own flesh and blood.

Their father (the twins dad) and I are now divorced, but I didn't divorce them. To me--they ARE MINE. Their mother and I get along well and my "steps" (hate that term) call me "Udder Mudder". (as in, Hello Mudder, Hello Fadder.... lol).

My step daughter is about to graduate from U of Florida! (Go Gators) and my stepson recently enlisted in the Air Force. I am very proud of both of them.....same as my 15 year olds. I love all four of them unequivocally and unconditionally. They will always be my children.

I don't understand why you don't connect with your daughter the way I have with my non-biological children---but everyone is different.

I hope and pray you can find this connection---it is wonderful especially as the years go by and they grow up and become adults. You'll see.

It's just a different kind of love, that's all. I love the shit out of the little girl, but when I look at her, she's not me. That's all. She's me because of certain things, but I see her real father in her. She has most of his features, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

I taught the girl how to read, swim, use the computer, ZILLIONS of things. She's my daughter for certain, but there's just always going to be SOMETHING that's missing, and I feel like I can't help that.

 

[Sherry]

Your feelings aren't abnormal, but I hope neither one of you ever feels the need to tell your daughter.

I can't think of a single reason why we would ever need to.

It just bothers me that if it weren't for me being the girl's father, she wouldn't have one at all.

I probably shouldn't have started this thread, it has a TMI feeling to it. Since I have to house to myself tonight though, it was either this or pop a bottle.

Well you can only control your own actions. I'm sure your girlfriend is a wonderful mom, but people can say and do some messed up shit under stress. I can imagine a situation in which you break up, perhaps when the girl is a teenager, and mom blurts out what you confided to her. Her intent might be to paint you as an ass and turn the girl against you, but would ultimately hurt her daughter most of all. Anyway, that is just a wild scenerio.