A serious discussion, I need some feedback

[Valerie]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

I don't lie to my girlfriend. If I think an outfit makes her look fat, she gets the truth.

Then accept it will always be a sticking point.

I essentially agree with Xeno here.

Paulie, how you feel is only natural and now that you have already expressed yourself, I think you need to let go of the need to verbalize your feelings as it is only hurtful to your daughter and her mother to continually draw such a distinction.

 

[JenyEliza]

I'm sorry, I can't help you with this.

I have 15 year old twins. I also have a 21 year old step son and a 22 year old step daughter, who are the my ex's children with his 1st wife. I've known my "steps" since they were 1 and newborn. I couldn't love them more than if they were mine, of my own flesh and blood.

Their father (the twins dad) and I are now divorced, but I didn't divorce them. To me--they ARE MINE. Their mother and I get along well and my "steps" (hate that term) call me "Udder Mudder". (as in, Hello Mudder, Hello Fadder.... lol).

My step daughter is about to graduate from U of Florida! (Go Gators) and my stepson recently enlisted in the Air Force. I am very proud of both of them.....same as my 15 year olds. I love all four of them unequivocally and unconditionally. They will always be my children.

I don't understand why you don't connect with your daughter the way I have with my non-biological children---but everyone is different.

I hope and pray you can find this connection---it is wonderful especially as the years go by and they grow up and become adults. You'll see.

It's just a different kind of love, that's all. I love the shit out of the little girl, but when I look at her, she's not me. That's all. She's me because of certain things, but I see her real father in her. She has most of his features, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

I suspect THIS is the crux of your problem.

See....I don't hate my steps mother. I have a great relationship with her. My stepdaughter resembles her Mom, my Stepson resembles his dad.

Maybe it's not the little girl you have a problem with, but the DAD....and it shows up in the way you relate to the little girl?

Remember: It's not HER FAULT that she looks anything like him. So try hard not to hold that against her.

I taught the girl how to read, swim, use the computer, ZILLIONS of things. She's my daughter for certain, but there's just always going to be SOMETHING that's missing, and I feel like I can't help that.

You're a good Dad. Nothing's missing. Nothing at all. That's all in your head.

You just HATE HER DAD and you wish you were HER REAL BIOLOGICAL DAD. That's all.

 

[Paulie]

I'm sorry, I can't help you with this.

I have 15 year old twins. I also have a 21 year old step son and a 22 year old step daughter, who are the my ex's children with his 1st wife. I've known my "steps" since they were 1 and newborn. I couldn't love them more than if they were mine, of my own flesh and blood.

Their father (the twins dad) and I are now divorced, but I didn't divorce them. To me--they ARE MINE. Their mother and I get along well and my "steps" (hate that term) call me "Udder Mudder". (as in, Hello Mudder, Hello Fadder.... lol).

My step daughter is about to graduate from U of Florida! (Go Gators) and my stepson recently enlisted in the Air Force. I am very proud of both of them.....same as my 15 year olds. I love all four of them unequivocally and unconditionally. They will always be my children.

I don't understand why you don't connect with your daughter the way I have with my non-biological children---but everyone is different.

I hope and pray you can find this connection---it is wonderful especially as the years go by and they grow up and become adults. You'll see.

It's just a different kind of love, that's all. I love the shit out of the little girl, but when I look at her, she's not me. That's all. She's me because of certain things, but I see her real father in her. She has most of his features, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

I suspect THIS is the crux of your problem.

See....I don't hate my steps mother. I have a great relationship with her. My stepdaughter resembles her Mom, my Stepson resembles his dad.

Maybe it's not the little girl you have a problem with, but the DAD....and it shows up in the way you relate to the little girl?

Remember: It's not HER FAULT that she looks anything like him. So try hard not to hold that against her.

I taught the girl how to read, swim, use the computer, ZILLIONS of things. She's my daughter for certain, but there's just always going to be SOMETHING that's missing, and I feel like I can't help that.

You're a good Dad. Nothing's missing. Nothing at all. That's all in your head.

You just HATE HER DAD and you wish you were HER REAL BIOLOGICAL DAD. That's all.

See, it's not even THAT, though. I think there's a natural tendancy to feel a certain way about a biological child. That's why you'll see a mother bird helping her own chicks out, but not coming to the rescue of another baby bird that may have fallen from its nest. It's inherent in the genes.

It's not so much because I dislike her real father, it's just that when I look at her I don't see me, whereas with my son I do.

I do wish she was biologically mine, though.

 

[SFC Ollie]

If you love the mother you love her children as part of her.

 

[Paulie]

If you love the mother you love her children as part of her.

Never said I didn't LOVE the child. All I'm saying is there's differing feelings.

 

[Douger]

Bro.
Generally I am considered an extremely obnoxious S.O.B in this neighborhood. Fuckem.
That said.
Treat every one equal. Blood or not, " papers" or not.
It is your movie, along with wifey, or girlfriend.
Think before you bleat, think about when you were a kid and take it from there.
When you were thirteen dad was an asshole. Right ?
It is hard, but if you slow WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY down, and think, you can get it right.
Childhood today is way different than it was 30 years ago.10 year old kids know what a " facial" is.
Take it slow, and try to see life how they see life.
It aint pretty.

 

[SFC Ollie]

Ever thought about formal adoption?

 

[Samson]

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

Thanks.

I've not read every other post because I wanted to offer a purist opinion, untainted by others within this August Body of Thought.

I think its important to remember something you may not be aware of, because you only have your feeling for your biological child to compare to your stepchild:

If you had more than one biological child, then you'd feel differently towards them.

I'm also willing to bet if you had more than one stepchild, then you'd feel differently towards each of them.

Wouldn't you think it odd for a parent to feel EXACTLY the same way toward all their kids? Sure, its the PC thing to say, "I love all my kids EQUALLY." and to a certain degree that's true, but its more accurate to say, "EQUIVALENTLY."

An Analogy with icecream may simplify the matter: You may Love icecream, but you may choose to taste chocolate before vanilla. Does this mean you hate vanilla? Of course not.

 

[Paulie]

Ever thought about formal adoption?

Yeah, but I've always subscribed to the idea of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

I highly doubt that a piece of paper making me the official dad is somehow going to illicit newfound feelings within me.

I love the little girl and I'm proud to call her my daughter, papers or not. I just want her mom to completely understand where I'm coming from on the matter. I'll probably have her read this thread tomorrow.

 

[Sherry]

Ever thought about formal adoption?

Yeah, but I've always subscribed to the idea of 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

I highly doubt that a piece of paper making me the official dad is somehow going to illicit newfound feelings within me.

I love the little girl and I'm proud to call her my daughter, papers or not. I just want her mom to completely understand where I'm coming from on the matter. I'll probably have her read this thread tomorrow.

Oh shit, she's not gonna like my post.

 

[dilloduck]

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter.

Since day one ?
You felt guilty about the difference in your feelings or you wife has issues with your different feelings ? Which is it ?
Since day one ?

 

[Samson]

Im gonna really be pissed off if Paulie doesn't use my Ice Cream Analogy.

 

[California Girl]

its only natural paulie....blood is blood..you can love another person....but its not the same....plus i am sure the mother is watching for the little things ...and no matter how hard you try...you cant always be treating the kids equal

yall will get beyond this.....like they say...

feed them enough love and they will even begin to look like ya....

I have to, respectfully, completely and totally disagree. Having family who are family by adoption, I don't view them any differently. I certainly don't love them less or even differently to other family.

I think it is an individual thing. Maybe some people do see 'blood' as something - not everyone feels the same way.

 

[Coyote]

It comes up from time to time because sometimes there seems to be this perception that I "favor" my son, or treat the girl differently, if you will.

That may be the case, but he's also only 2, whereas she's 6 and practically independent other than needing her meals cooked for her. She's WAY beyond 6, intellectually speaking.

My son on the other hand, needs more attention simply because he's only 2.

Maybe it's biology but...sometimes also, I think sons and daughters may be loved in different ways?

 

[uscitizen]

Dumbass.

Say you feel the same about both and avoid a ton of pointless grief.

I don't lie to my girlfriend. If I think an outfit makes her look fat, she gets the truth.

Man! you must be as fast as Bush ducking shoes!

 

[uscitizen]

It comes up from time to time because sometimes there seems to be this perception that I "favor" my son, or treat the girl differently, if you will.

That may be the case, but he's also only 2, whereas she's 6 and practically independent other than needing her meals cooked for her. She's WAY beyond 6, intellectually speaking.

My son on the other hand, needs more attention simply because he's only 2.

Maybe it's biology but...sometimes also, I think sons and daughters may be loved in different ways?

Each child is different and needs different ways of love.
And you will love each one a bit differently, but not in strength, just different.

 

[Mr. H.]

Speaking from experience, this is about your relationship with your step-daughter. She may be 6, but she'll soon be 26. My head was really fucked up marrying a gal that had a 12 year old son, then fathering our own child. Hard as it was, it worked out eventually.

Be yourelf, stand your ground, be patient. Good luck.

 

[California Girl]

It comes up from time to time because sometimes there seems to be this perception that I "favor" my son, or treat the girl differently, if you will.

That may be the case, but he's also only 2, whereas she's 6 and practically independent other than needing her meals cooked for her. She's WAY beyond 6, intellectually speaking.

My son on the other hand, needs more attention simply because he's only 2.

Maybe it's biology but...sometimes also, I think sons and daughters may be loved in different ways?

I'm the only daughter with 5 brothers. Everyone in my family has always treated me different. Even my brothers.... it's like having 5 dads! Even my twin brother does it. Drives me mental!! My brothers joke about it and refer to me as 'the Special One'. Doesn't mean my parents love my bros less than me, I just happen to be the only daughter.

 

[uscitizen]

ahhh

 

[Anguille]

I have two children, one is my 2 year old son, and the other is my 6 year old daughter. My daughter is not mine biologically. I've been her father figure since she was 2.

I love the little girl with all my heart, I would do anything for her and will always be there for her, even if my relationship with her mother ever went sour and we split up.

The conundrum, and something I've had an issue with her mother on since day one, is that when I look at my son I have a certain feeling for him that isn't there with my daughter. It's a subconscious thing, and something I just can't help.

My son is ME. He's a little version of me. He has my dad, my mom, etc. There's just something that's uniquely special about that.

Everyone who knows me and knows this situation has nothing but the utmost amount of respect for me for being a father to a child that isn't mine, and whenever a discussion about this situation happens, I always tell people about this difference in "feelings". Everyone understands.

Except the girl's mother. She doesn't understand why I don't have the same "feeling" towards her as I do my son. Well, she says she "half understands", whatever that means.

What do you think about this? Is there something wrong with me not having that same feeling? There's the old cliche "there are many different types of love", and as cheesy as it is, it makes sense to me in this case.

What say you? Because quite frankly it's getting old that I'm continually guilted about this. I don't think she'll ever really understand unless she was actually in this situation herself, with a child she's raising not being hers biologically, so I'm willing to cut her some slack because of that.

Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated though.

Thanks.

It may not actually have anything to do with who is whose biological dad. Your son and your daughter are two different people so of course you love for each is unique. It's good that you are honest about it and discussing with your girlfriend. She is probably just worried that your daughter will overhear you saying so someday and feel insecure. Compromise and stop telling so many people about this difference. Just for the sake of her and her daughters feelings. They may come to understand later on their own and it will be no big deal. Plus your daughter is going to pick up your mannerisms and come to resemble you no matter what the physical characteristics,