Update need advice on really really despise men

[Trinity]

What do you all think I should do?

I packed mine and the boy's stuff up and moved out on tuesday. I talked to my husband Tuesday night. The conversation went something like this.......

He was SHOCKED & (crying) that I had actually moved out. He was apologetic (arent they all). He wants me and the boys to move back in he doesnt want to be away from us he claims he loves us. I told him you don't treat the people you love like that. Then I proceeded to tell him he needs help, counseling , doctor, etc. That what he is doing is a called a cycle of abuse passed down from father to son, and if he does not break it his children will in turn treat their wives or girlfriends the same way. It goes father to son, father to son, father to son. we had a very long lenghthy conversation (1 1/2 hours). I told him the boy's did not want to come back. I had told them daddy said he was sorry, and was not going to do it anymore, he would get help. my boy's said he is lying he's just trying to trick us. This is from an 8 year old and 5 year old ( almost 6).


So here are my stipulation's and they must be adhered too.

1. You must go to the doctor and find out if you are Bi-polar and get and take any medications to control this problem. Indefinatly. If you stop taking this medication because you think you are better I will pack up and move again. Permenatly!

2. You must get counseling ( me and the boy's will also seek counseling)

3.You also must stop and think for a minimum of 3 minutes before speaking and think if what you are about to say is it nice, and if it's not then you had better phrase it properly!

4. If you even attempt to pick up another object like you are going to throw it, again I will leave immediatly!

5. If you call me anything but your wife. I will leave immediatly!

6. Actually I have a better idea if you do not follow all of the above, YOU WILL LEAVE IMMEDIATLY!


OK, so those are my stipulations what do you think? should I give him a second chance? or should I just make him go live with his mother and I move back into the house?


Any more stipulations I should add? Or should I just tell him to F#$K OFF!


Thanks for all the help you guy's have been great!!!!!

 

[dilloduck]

What do you all think I should do?

I packed mine and the boy's stuff up and moved out on tuesday. I talked to my husband Tuesday night. The conversation went something like this.......

He was SHOCKED & (crying) that I had actually moved out. He was apologetic (arent they all). He wants me and the boys to move back in he doesnt want to be away from us he claims he loves us. I told him you don't treat the people you love like that. Then I proceeded to tell him he needs help, counseling , doctor, etc. That what he is doing is a called a cycle of abuse passed down from father to son, and if he does not break it his children will in turn treat their wives or girlfriends the same way. It goes father to son, father to son, father to son. we had a very long lenghthy conversation (1 1/2 hours). I told him the boy's did not want to come back. I had told them daddy said he was sorry, and was not going to do it anymore, he would get help. my boy's said he is lying he's just trying to trick us. This is from an 8 year old and 5 year old ( almost 6).


So here are my stipulation's and they must be adhered too.

1. You must go to the doctor and find out if you are Bi-polar and get and take any medications to control this problem. Indefinatly. If you stop taking this medication because you think you are better I will pack up and move again. Permenatly!

2. You must get counseling ( me and the boy's will also seek counseling)

3.You also must stop and think for a minimum of 3 minutes before speaking and think if what you are about to say is it nice, and if it's not then you had better phrase it properly!

4. If you even attempt to pick up another object like you are going to throw it, again I will leave immediatly!

5. If you call me anything but your wife. I will leave immediatly!

6. Actually I have a better idea if you do not follow all of the above, YOU WILL LEAVE IMMEDIATLY!


OK, so those are my stipulations what do you think? should I give him a second chance? or should I just make him go live with his mother and I move back into the house?


Any more stipulations I should add? Or should I just tell him to F#$K OFF!


Thanks for all the help you guy's have been great!!!!!

I would recommend that #6 on your list be the priority. Give the kids thier house back! Counseling for you and the kids is as important as him getting help. Then stick to you guns!

 

[Sandy73]

I agree with Dillo you should be in the house with the kids ! Stablity !!! If he loves them so much he would make sure he gave his kids that stability .. Just my opinion~

 

[remie]

I am all for second chances, but beware, a tiger doesnt change his stripes over night. I would insist on the doctors appointment and some counseling before I went back. Then stick strictly to your guns. You should be very careful that things dont turn more violent than they are now.

 

[Mr. P]

khafley...I'm no therapist...I always wondered why as a child I had to endure the violence
and turmoil I did..I finally concluded that maybe someday down the road I could offer help
based on my experiences to someone else in that hell. Maybe your it, I don't know, but...
I'm going to give you this based on my personal experience and knowledge.

Your post screams "BATTERED WOMAN SYNDROME"!!!!
You too are in the cycle of destruction that comes with living as you have for so long.
It seems as though your two boys may have a better grasp on reality right now than you do.

IMHO...the best thing for you to do is STAY AWAY and give things time.
You must concentrate on "YOU" and the kids, not HIM. STOP doing that
it's not productive for you, his problems are his to work on not YOURS!

I think any Professional with experience in this area will tell you the same..

Hang on...and keep talking...PM me if that's more comfortable for you...
I'll help you as much as I can, weather it's here or PM.

Mr. P

 

[freeandfun1]

IMHO I would STAY separated while you all got counseling. If you move back now, he will take it, subconsciously perhaps, but still the same, as a victory. I would stay apart for at least six months while you all got counseling and THEN re-evaluate the situation.

You left for a reason. Do you really think that your leaving for a few hours is going to change everything? I think more time apart will help him realize what he is losing or what he MIGHT lose, because of HIS actions.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

It sounds like you already gave him plenty of chances. He's a bastard. Even your boys know it. That tell you something.

 

[JOKER96BRAVO]

I would give him only this,
Let him seek help to learn how to be a father.
That's alot of unnatural conditions for love if you ask me.

 

[KLSuddeth]

Dear K,

I have read these threads of yours and havent replied till now b/c it was a little too much like reading one of my journals from MANY years back.

You may not like what I have to say.....and you may think that what I am saying isnt applicable to you....and you may be correct in that.....but on the chance that youre not, please, please PLEASE consider to what I have to say.

This is the reader's digest version....

DK is my second husband. My first husband is my children's biological father, however due to his inattention, they refer to DK as their dad. My ex has a medical ofc so money wasnt an issue - I didnt have to support him...money wasnt a concern. This seemed to me a reason to stay...security for the children and myself and to be honest, I was a spoiled shit and I liked it - shopping, travelling, not having to worry....all good things that were worth putting up with anything.

He yelled alot and when he wasnt yelling, he was quiet. Very passive-aggresive for a LONG time. Then he'd blow up. But he never touched me. He called me horrid names.....and you know that little rhyme about sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you? Thats bullshit. it OUGHT to read (IMO), sticks and stones can break your bones but words will break your heart. But still in every way other than emotionally, I was safe. He was/is an alcoholic and eventually started 'hitting at me', slapping me, choking me. This escalated to punching, kicking, spitting....although it took 10 years to get to that point. By this time I was scared, ashamed and felt trapped.

I had to have surgery and to make a long story short, I was in the hosp. a long time. I have lupus and it impeded the healing process and caused a lot of problems. He came home one day and out of the blue beat the absolute shit out of me. I still had drains in my abdomen from my surgery (I had part of my intestine removed due to the dr leaving a staple in me from a previous surgery - this punctured my intestine and blah blah blah - the end result was this surgery). He didnt care that I had those drains in and that I couldnt walk. He threw me around, beat me senseless. At the end of this I had a concussion, whiplash, cuts scrapes, bruises, one drain nearly 3 full inches out of where it needed to be and my shoulder hurt like hell. Come to find out he had cracked 2 vertabras and torn my rotater cuff. B/c I have lupus and the Rheumatoid arthristis that goes with it, I didnt heal properly and now I suffer from degenerative disk disease. My arms are numb in the morning, my hands are cold and discolored. Im STILL in pain constatnly all these years later. Im always having to have therapy for the injury and have spent thousands to hear the same answer....it wont get better, I have to just learn to live with it and treat the symptoms.

I should add in that I had left him 4 years previously to the above happening, only to move back in at his crying and pleading. He went to AA, therapy and so forth...he said all the right words. My kids were the age (approx) that yours are now. Well, I came back to make it work....marriage is sacred afterall, isnt it?

Well of course after the beating of a lifetime, I divorced him and he made it as difficult as possible - sometimes I jus wanted to give up and say OK FUCJKING FINE!!!! YOU WIN! It wasnt easy.

Dont make the mistakes I made - I thought the kids are young and divorce will hurt them horribly.....well, now they are teens and one of them has an anger issue similar to his/her father and the other is attempting to get into his/her father's pattern of destructive behavior and addiction. I have them both in counseling of course and I PRAY that it is enough to overcome what they were subjected to living for so long. See, I thought they werent exposed to it because, 'nothing ever happened in front of them'. But kids know more than we tend to give them credit for, and all of it affects them.

It took me forever to trust DK as a result of my first marriage. If I was standing next to DK and he reached his hand up to scratch his face, Id duck or at least flinch and not even realize it. Thats only one example of how screwed up I was from all of this and didnt even realize it.

I never thought that any of this was horrid when it was happening - I thought things were 'ok'. And I kept that illusion until I was beaten and bloody on the floor.

Be stronger than I was before things escalate to worse than they are now. And maybe they NEVER will......but then again, maybe they might. Are you important enough to yourself and others for Maybe and Might to be enough?
I think you are.

Be safe and good luck,
Lanyce

 

[Trinity]

You know the one thing that i find very scary is there have been several people that have responded to both of my threads, who have been in similar situations, some maybe not as bad, and others worse. Why is that in today's world this kind of thing is still going on a lot? What is wrong with society that is allowing it to go on? Can we not see this pattern in children and maybe intervene before it gets to this level. You know there is a lot of help out their for women and for men. But i think alot of these men think that their behavior is ok, and no one tells them otherwise. I am always telling my children their fathers behavior is unacceptable and that is not the way you deal with people it does not solve your problems, it just makes people not like you. I don't believe his mother ever told him that his father's behaviour was unacceptable. So he grew up thinking that this is the way a man is suppose to act, He has alot of issues he is going to have to address in counseling and maybe it might help him, for his sake. I guess I should also mention that I have done alot of research on bi-polar which is why i think my husband has it, and i believe he inherited it from his father, it is hereditary. Which in turn comes my youngest, who is also displaying signs of bi-polar. My husbands mother, I learned a few years ago from his mother and sisters had also been hospitalized for phsychiatric problems (she just plain nuts!) however my husband will tell you that she had a nervous breakdown. But for the past year, to this day she has been having lunch and conversations with her dead husband in the kitchen. He died about 3 years ago.

There are some serious psychological issues in this family and you can damn well bet if i would have known back then, what i know now. Well you get the idea.

 

[dilloduck]

You know the one thing that i find very scary is there have been several people that have responded to both of my threads, who have been in similar situations, some maybe not as bad, and others worse. Why is that in today's world this kind of thing is still going on a lot? What is wrong with society that is allowing it to go on? Can we not see this pattern in children and maybe intervene before it gets to this level. You know there is a lot of help out their for women and for men. But i think alot of these men think that their behavior is ok, and no one tells them otherwise. I am always telling my children their fathers behavior is unacceptable and that is not the way you deal with people it does not solve your problems, it just makes people not like you. I don't believe his mother ever told him that his father's behaviour was unacceptable. So he grew up thinking that this is the way a man is suppose to act, He has alot of issues he is going to have to address in counseling and maybe it might help him, for his sake. I guess I should also mention that I have done alot of research on bi-polar which is why i think my husband has it, and i believe he inherited it from his father, it is hereditary. Which in turn comes my youngest, who is also displaying signs of bi-polar. My husbands mother, I learned a few years ago from his mother and sisters had also been hospitalized for phsychiatric problems (she just plain nuts!) however my husband will tell you that she had a nervous breakdown. But for the past year, to this day she has been having lunch and conversations with her dead husband in the kitchen. He died about 3 years ago.

There are some serious psychological issues in this family and you can damn well bet if i would have known back then, what i know now. Well you get the idea.

It continues to go on because people are willing to put up with it for sooooo long before they take decisive action. Mental illness still has a stigma attached to it which makes it harder for people to seek treatment. When your thinknig is screwed up it's asking a lot to expect this same mind to make the decision to get help.

 

[Fmr jarhead]

You know, you can rationalizre a lot of things, and resort to what is comfortable and known, or you can do what is right.

No amount of asking advice is going to give you the permission to do what is right for you and your family. You have to step up and do the right thing for your kids, if you don't have the guts to do it for yourself.

Get away from the schmuck, and don't even think about another relationship until you figure out why you have done this to yourself twice! If you think you can salvage what is wrong with this idiot, then you are deluded. He is responsible for his actions, and sounds to me like he has not accepted responsibility for what he has done. Get away from him.

Make sure your kids have the opportunity to have a positive male role model in their sphere of influence....it is important that they learn the proper way to behave in society. You have taken the first step, but you have a long journey ahead of you, and with the help from a few of your friends, you may be able to get on a path that will lead you to a more fullfilling existence.

The past is already behind you....the future is where your focus ought to be. (with the knowledge that you have made some mistakes that you will not make again!)

 

[Trinity]

It continues to go on because people are willing to put up with it for sooooo long before they take decisive action. Mental illness still has a stigma attached to it which makes it harder for people to seek treatment. When your thinknig is screwed up it's asking a lot to expect this same mind to make the decision to get help.

Ok Dillo, so what are you saying should i just have him commited? LOL!!!!

 

[dilloduck]

Ok Dillo, so what are you saying should i just have him commited? LOL!!!!

You can't control him--you can only control you. File for divorce if thats what you need to get him out of the house. Then you and the kids can get some counselling while he decides what he is going to do. If you stop putting up with his crap, it may provide him with the motivation the seek help. DON"T MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO CONTINUE CRAZY BEHAVIOR !

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Leave Khafley, don't look back. He will say the right words. But he will make you "pay" once he gets you back in the house. People don't change too much.

Please don't go back.

 

[KLSuddeth]

Id like to say something that Fmr Jarhead said in reference to past, present and future. I cant remember the exact quote...but it goes something like, The past has already happened....focusing on it will get your no where.....the future hasnt happened yet, but the NOW is a gift for your learning....that's why it is called the PRESENT. (just a cool little blurb Ive always liked)

Yknow, one thing that helped me was really getting down to the 'whys' of the situation, thereby figuring myself out....Its my belief that in doing that, not only are you helping yourself, but also your children. What you are showing them is how to be a responsible adult. You are teaching them something that is invaluable......that if they are in a reality that is not conducive to their highest potential of safety, love and growth that they ARE strong enough to change that reality into one that is. WHy? Because Mom was. They will also see how to treat and how not to treat people. Its all a matter of action-consequence.

Just remember that you deserve the good things out there and you CAN have them, Love and respect yourself enough to say NO I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TREATMENT TO EVER CONTINUE AGAIN, cry when you need to and lean on your family/friends when you need to do so. If you were strong enough to leave, then youre strong enough to stay gone. Love isnt supposed to hurt or destroy....when it does, then its become skewed into something sad, sick and dangerous.

Again, the best of luck to you!

 

[Joz]

It continues to go on because people are willing to put up with it for sooooo long before they take decisive action. Mental illness still has a stigma attached to it which makes it harder for people to seek treatment. When your thinknig is screwed up it's asking a lot to expect this same mind to make the decision to get help.

This is sooo true. I was in a 'christian' marriage, this wasn't suppose to happen. I was confused, embarrassed, afraid. And breaking up the marriage after 21 years broke my heart. But I did it, with two kids, no great means of support. Don't go back.

 

[5stringJeff]

Khafley, I've not responded either, but I strongly feel that you do NOT move back in with your husband right now. You can give him conditions if you want (though I feel that with the abuse you have gone through, you are completely justified in getting a divorce) but you absolutely should not go back to him right now. Doing so will establish the precedence that if you leave, he just has to apologize and promise to do better for you to come back. You should demand that he take serious actions before you even consider reconciling.

Just my two cents... never been in your situation but the burden is on him to change. You should not relieve him of that burden unless he changes.

 

[Sandy73]

This is quick and to the point advice....

Don't listen to him !! Listen to YOUR heart ! You know what is right ....
For years he hasn't listened to you why should he start now ?

 

[freeandfun1]

People will put up with it because we all know that we ALL have some kind of issues from our past. There are very few of us that do not. Many of us, like myself, ignore those issues but at some point we find ourselves having to confront those issues as they do have SOME affect on our current relationships. Many of us have "demons" in our past that we find it hard to confront. When we do not confront them, they well up inside us and at some point, explode. Some people know how to handle it and the explosions are "self contained" and some people can't and then they deflect the explosions to others. JMHO!