The Mindless Thread

[App'z]

 

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OK, ... TWSS !

 

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Grandma said,

"In Our day there were no GPS. "We drove down roads until we
ended up in Horror Movies."

"It's so sad how Norman Bates is remembered for his murders &
and not his brilliant work as a Taxidermist."

"Men say girls should come with instructions." "What would be the point of that?"
"Have you seen a man actually read the instructions?"

 

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Lil Johnny has grown up is 21 and walks into a bar and
sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
Well Lil Johnny says to his friend,
“That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and
tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish.

Well Little Johnny immediately rubs the bottle, and to his amazement,
a puff of purple smoke spews out and
slowly collects in the form of a genie.
In a booming voice, the genie offers Lil Johnny one wish.

Lil Johnny thinks a bit and says,
“I wish I had a million bucks.”

All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and
the windows, standing on top of the bar,
dunking their heads into people’s drinks.

“What just happened?” Little Johnny asks.
His friend replies, “I know.
Did you really think
I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”

 

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[The Duke]

Esteban's a fag.

 

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... Rick, Lets go fishing today.

 

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Can you handle these wheels?

 

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THE THING WITH HAVING A GOLDFISH FOR A DRIVER IS YOU DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING.
NO DIRECTIONS, NADA, NOTHING.

 

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A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and says
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,
he has the right credentials.

The agent asks, "What's your name? The guy said, "My name is Peni$ van Lesbian.
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood ,
you are going to have to change your name.

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect
my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.

The agent says, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Peni$ van Lesbian! I'm telling you; you will HAVE TO change your name or
I will not be able to represent you.

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy says, and he leaves the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter
and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed.

"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood,
you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name,
I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Peni$ van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made
it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..


..............................................................................................................................Sincerely,

..............................................................................................................................Dick van Dick
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm done, I quit, thas it. I quit!

 

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Its possible? Doubtfully possible! Undoubtably.

 

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I stand over my tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
My best friend and parter at the tee asks, "What's taking it so long? Hit the blasted Golfball!" I says, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse."
"I want to make this a perfect shot." My buddy says, "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________________
I LEFT OUT WHAT I THEN SAID BECAUSE IT TAKES LITTLE OF YOUR OWN IMAGINATION.

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If your Cat had a Cell Phone, he would never call you!

 

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A good-looking guy sits down at a bar to order a drink.
Suddenly a young woman sits next to him, and in a flirtatious
way says "You smell nice. What do you have on?"
______________________________________________________
The guy thinks, It's a hard on, but says, " I didn't realize you might smell it."

 

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The only way to change things is to bore them to sleep.
Then move their bed close to the bathroom door and open it.
If they are lucky they won't walk into it? Get the idea?
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I USED TO THINK JOKES COULD BE FUN!

 

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A statue fairy lands on a statue of a nude man and woman in the park. The fairy taps both on the shoulder and they come to life. The fairy states that every 50 years statues are granted 5 minutes of life…and then must return to their pedestal. The man and woman look each other up and down then grab each other’s hand and jump into the nearby bushes. The fairy hears them laughing, oohing, awing, and giggling as the bushes shake along with their boisterous exuberance. Just as the timer hits the 5-minute mark, the naked man and woman come out of the bushes and hop back on the pedestal-both grinning ear to ear. The fairy is in awe, as no statues have ever willingly come back to the pedestal on time. The fairy states that because of this, they are granted another 5 minutes. The two statues gaze at each other again and the male statue proclaims; “This time you hold the pigeon down and I get to $#!t on its head.”
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i got nothing

 

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While riding his Harley one sunny afternoon, the redneck biker suddenly swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head.

Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman inside who asked, " Hey handsome, are you okay?

As he looked up, he noticed she was wearing a very low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." he replied as he pulled himself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," he answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes under your shirt and pants, and then bandage them properly too."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, he agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

They arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really pissed so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She doesn’t have to know a thing. By the way, where is she at this time of day?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

 

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls.

One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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DON'T TAKE CHANCES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER

 

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