My brother!

[jillian]

allie, when he wants to talk about your ex(es), why don't you just say "why do you want to talk about them again?" it's water under the bridge?



then you don't have to talk about it at all.

 

[strollingbones]

o hell no!

each time he brings up the ex(es) *just curious how many ex(es) do you have?)

tell him you have to go and will call him back..then dont call back..simple as that....hell if he is hard headed just hang up the phone

 

[Annie]

I'm glad I have MY brother.

 

[strollingbones]

The serenity prayer might be in order.

When it comes to family, you can't choose them, so you just accept them as they are, or you put them on ignore. It sounds to me like your brother has some serious hang-ups and is the one with the codependence problem, and you are the one who has broken free of some of it. Good for you.

o he is just being an ass

 

[MaggieMae]

My brother calls me periodically. He means well, but he always ends up talking about my flipping ex(es). He always wants to talk about their sterling qualities, but doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, lectures me on how "useless" hatred is...

Which is true enough, but I'm sorry, if you talk to me about the good qualities of my fucking piece of shit ex, I'm going to feel compelled to say something. But he always wants to shut me down, while he waxes poetic. At the same time he is being "fair" by saying nice things about my ex, he strews little criticisms of me throughout...."you're not perfect" and "I'm sure you deserved it" ha, ha, funny dat, and "gosh you should have thought about that before you had two kids with him."

And he didn't even KNOW my ex. He met him a couple of times, and he wasn't impressed at the time. He just happened to run into the dickwad in a bar, and felt sorry for him because he was really nice.

Well yeah, he's always nice to men who can kick his ass. See what he's like when he's the toughest thing in the room. He's not nice at all. But of course, bro doesn't want to hear that sort of negativity.

Not that I want to talk about it, either, but I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. Repeatedly. Finally I became slightly irritated and offended my dear brother by saying if he expected me to heap praise upon my poor ex's head while he heaped coals upon mine, he was going to be disappointed.

It's like what the hell? I don't want to hear about what great chums you are with the douche and what a hag I am. Thanks, I left that behind.

Sisters can be just as bad, if not worse. Mine constantly compares her life to mine, what SHE would do better and/or bigger in any given situation, and what I should do for this, that, the other, blah blah blah. It's been this way since we were children. I've finally discovered the only way to shut her up is just to say "Yes, Carol...you're always right, as usual" and move on.

My brother? An annoying shit as a kid/teen, got pushed around by a religious fanatic of a wife and they bore two kids who never wanted for a single material thing in life and are now selfishly dysfunctional members of the ME generation, although I do hold out hope from my nephew who finally got married to a STRONG woman who told him to straighten out his act, find a job and start supporting the marriage or she was done. He joined the Army and is now doing quite well.

Good luck dealing with your own brother. We can select our friends, but are stuck with our families.

 

[Madeline]

I'm glad I have MY brother.

Me too, Annie,though he can be an ass and has married the most behaviorally-repulsive woman I have ever laid eyes on. My folks have been gone for a very long time, and no one knows me from "the beginning" except for him. Through thick and thin, we love each other....and that's a wonderful feeling.

 

[MaggieMae]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

Are you sure he's not drinking? I've found that people (siblings and friends) like to call and go right to past events, as they've usually just been sitting around sipping and reminiscing and need someone to talk to who shared the memories. When current friends call, we talk about current stuff. When relatives call just to check in, we're usually just sharing niceties.

Another thought is to send him an email saying exactly how you feel, but try to avoid insults, or the message will get lost amid the predictable feuding which would ensue.

 

[Madeline]

If you have a salvagable relationship with a sibling, I say work on it. Sooner or later, all of us will face what I have...parents gone. Siblings can be a comfort when it happens.

 

[MaggieMae]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

This kinda reminds me of my sister and my X remaining friends after the divorce. I didn't consider it much of a problem until I re-married, then it was a problem for my wife.

My theory.. when you get a divorce you divorce the whole family... it works out better in the long run..

Sorry... your brothers a putz... accept it .. it's easier that way.. no guilt to carry around..

Hell he'd never spent an hour with the ex until he got blitzed with my ex and his ex's husband (who owns the bar, go figure).

Funny thing....both my ex and his ex's hubby are wife beaters. I saw that ass bash her while sitting across a table from me, and saw her black eyes.

Mine of course smashed my face into the wall and broke my foot....

But hey, they're really just nice guys. Why can't we all be friends?

I honestly could care less if he gets loaded with them once or twice in a lifetime, I'm not that unhinged...just please don't lay it in my lap and expect me to say "gosh that's GREAT! Yeah, they are really nice guys, so long as you're not a female and don't do anything to trigger them..."

Even that would bring "Why have you got to be so NEGATIVE" down on me.

Oh well.

Yep, he's definitely drinking when he calls you. A good response would be "When you get sober, call back and we can talk about a few things that actually interest me. I know you're capable."

 

[MaggieMae]

If you have a salvagable relationship with a sibling, I say work on it. Sooner or later, all of us will face what I have...parents gone. Siblings can be a comfort when it happens.

This is true. My sister and I didn't speak for about five years over something (the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back), but ironically it was my brother who said we should try to mend fences, as none of us were getting any younger. So we did. She's the same; I'm the same. But we deal.

 

[Big Black Dog]

My brother borrowed $500.00 from me and I haven't seen him since... Oh, wait. That was Sunday and today is what, Wednesday? Never mind...

 

[AllieBaba]

Lol.

Trite but true...don't loan money to family unless you don't mind losing it.

 

[AllieBaba]

allie, when he wants to talk about your ex(es), why don't you just say "why do you want to talk about them again?" it's water under the bridge?



then you don't have to talk about it at all.

Yeah, I tried that but he kept coming back to it until I was good and po'ed and got rather...snippy.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

o hell no!

each time he brings up the ex(es) *just curious how many ex(es) do you have?)

tell him you have to go and will call him back..then dont call back..simple as that....hell if he is hard headed just hang up the phone

Since you are in a rural area, just say "oops, sorry, coyotes are raiding the henhouse" or whatever and hang up.

Sounds a wonderful dude. Is he a former client?

 

[Big Black Dog]

Lol.

Trite but true...don't loan money to family unless you don't mind losing it.

He will pay it back. He always does BUT it won't be anytime soon because he has a bad memory...

 

[Madeline]

allie, when he wants to talk about your ex(es), why don't you just say "why do you want to talk about them again?" it's water under the bridge?



then you don't have to talk about it at all.

Yeah, I tried that but he kept coming back to it until I was good and po'ed and got rather...snippy.

Then this is (probably) really about pushing your buttons, Allie. Deprive him of that joy, and just say you need to hang up is my advice. There are many, many threads between family members...he could be angry you are doing better, or have happier kids, or who knows.

I hope that you can find a (limited) way to be happy with him, though. Even highly neurotic brothers can be loving at times.

 

[AllieBaba]

o hell no!

each time he brings up the ex(es) *just curious how many ex(es) do you have?)

tell him you have to go and will call him back..then dont call back..simple as that....hell if he is hard headed just hang up the phone

Since you are in a rural area, just say "oops, sorry, coyotes are raiding the henhouse" or whatever and hang up.

Sounds a wonderful dude. Is he a former client?

I did hang up on him (and it's not the first time!)

I have multiple exes (for bones). Hence my single state now and forever.

No, he's not an ex client, he's never been on welfare.

I feel VINDICATED! Woo hoo!

Because when one hears enough that YOU'RE the one being unreasonable you start to think..maybe I am.

Thing is, I don't even hate my ex. I say horrible things about him, but he was absolutely horrible, and not just to me. It's almost like Tourette's. But I loved him and prayed daily for him for a really long time. Now I just want him to stay the hell away for as long as possible so I can give my kids a start on their lives without having to deal with him. But it's impossible for me to acquiesce when somebody is touting his qualities and lamenting the poor guy's lot in life, while refusing to hear anything negative or give me the opportunity to share what I know about him!

He's exactly where he put himself, and I don't know why I should pretend to feel sorry for him or even take any of the blame. I don't think that makes me a hateful person, it makes me somebody with a goodly sense of self preservation.

 

[jillian]

allie, when he wants to talk about your ex(es), why don't you just say "why do you want to talk about them again?" it's water under the bridge?



then you don't have to talk about it at all.

Yeah, I tried that but he kept coming back to it until I was good and po'ed and got rather...snippy.

rumpling a bag on the phone and saying you have a really bad connection works....

lol..

 

[AllieBaba]

Well my kids are good at standing over me and bellowing while I'm on the phone... That is pretty effective.

 

[strollingbones]

mutiple exs as in more than 3 and less than 5?