My brother!

[AllieBaba]

Sheesh.
That's all. I'd love to go on a rant, but what's the use.

 

[xotoxi]

Sheesh.
That's all. I'd love to go on a rant, but what's the use.

Thank God for small miracles!

 

[Madeline]

 

[AllieBaba]

Sheesh.
That's all. I'd love to go on a rant, but what's the use.

Thank God for small miracles!

If you only knew, you'd be much more thankful, and realize it's a large miracle, not a small one.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Do we get to know what you're talking about?.. I'm interested

 

[Madeline]

Allie, if your brother is not harming anyone else with his witless behavior, just love him. Try to let go of your anger, and treasure the family ties.

I hope this gets better for you.

 

[AllieBaba]

My brother calls me periodically. He means well, but he always ends up talking about my flipping ex(es). He always wants to talk about their sterling qualities, but doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, lectures me on how "useless" hatred is...

Which is true enough, but I'm sorry, if you talk to me about the good qualities of my fucking piece of shit ex, I'm going to feel compelled to say something. But he always wants to shut me down, while he waxes poetic. At the same time he is being "fair" by saying nice things about my ex, he strews little criticisms of me throughout...."you're not perfect" and "I'm sure you deserved it" ha, ha, funny dat, and "gosh you should have thought about that before you had two kids with him."

And he didn't even KNOW my ex. He met him a couple of times, and he wasn't impressed at the time. He just happened to run into the dickwad in a bar, and felt sorry for him because he was really nice.

Well yeah, he's always nice to men who can kick his ass. See what he's like when he's the toughest thing in the room. He's not nice at all. But of course, bro doesn't want to hear that sort of negativity.

Not that I want to talk about it, either, but I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. Repeatedly. Finally I became slightly irritated and offended my dear brother by saying if he expected me to heap praise upon my poor ex's head while he heaped coals upon mine, he was going to be disappointed.

It's like what the hell? I don't want to hear about what great chums you are with the douche and what a hag I am. Thanks, I left that behind.

 

[Wicked Jester]

My brother calls me periodically. He means well, but he always ends up talking about my flipping ex(es). He always wants to talk about their sterling qualities, but doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, lectures me on how "useless" hatred is...

Which is true enough, but I'm sorry, if you talk to me about the good qualities of my fucking piece of shit ex, I'm going to feel compelled to say something. But he always wants to shut me down, while he waxes poetic. At the same time he is being "fair" by saying nice things about my ex, he strews little criticisms of me throughout...."you're not perfect" and "I'm sure you deserved it" ha, ha, funny dat, and "gosh you should have thought about that before you had two kids with him."

And he didn't even KNOW my ex. He met him a couple of times, and he wasn't impressed at the time. He just happened to run into the dickwad in a bar, and felt sorry for him because he was really nice.

Well yeah, he's always nice to men who can kick his ass. See what he's like when he's the toughest thing in the room. He's not nice at all. But of course, bro doesn't want to hear that sort of negativity.

Not that I want to talk about it, either, but I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. Repeatedly. Finally I became slightly irritated and offended my dear brother by saying if he expected me to heap praise upon my poor ex's head while he heaped coals upon mine, he was going to be disappointed.

It's like what the hell? I don't want to hear about what great chums you are with the douche and what a hag I am. Thanks, I left that behind.

Have you thought about family counseling. You know, where you would attend with your brother, and a neutral professional would moderate?

 

[Madeline]

You're not alone. I have been divorced since 1989, and my brother still occassionally says "Too bad things didn't work out with [insert fucktard's name here]." What astounds me is, my brother knows good and well why I left.....is that really how he'd like me to be living?

I have pondered this because like you (and any reasonable woman, I'm sure) I find this incredibly hurtful. What I have decided is, my brother has a peculiar desire to run my life so I am "taken care of", and my ex suits him as a fantasy husband.

It's weird, it's hurtful and likely, it won't stop completely. Talking to him did not help, except for cutting down on the frequency of these "wishing aloud" moments.

Mebbe if you spoke to your brother at another time about his anxieties for you? If he has some way to alleviate them, this might eventually taper off. Meanwhile, I feel sure in my case, it comes (eventually, somewhere deep...weird, but deep) from love. I bet the same is true for you.

Hang in there. Brothers are usually worth it.

 

[hjmick]

Ooooh... Your brother, I was going to ask what was wrong with your brothel...

Where are my glasses...

 

[AllieBaba]

No, there won't be any family counseling. Omg, we will never even go there, lol.

I'm with you, Madeline. The thing is, there is also this subthread through all our conversations where he says horrible things about our mom...then moves on to say how much I'm like her.

?

So how exactly should one take that? You just said our mom was worthless....and then ten minutes later you say I'm like her?

And the thing is, we haven't had any sort of relationship for, lord, almost 2 decades. He went away and started fishing and crabbing off the coast of alaska, we started second families...so it's like he just calls me to make me feel like shit, and tell me what I'm like...when he hasn't spent enough time with me to even form a fucking opinion on the matter. I sure as shit don't call him up to tell him how wonderful his ex is and discuss how much he resembles our ASSHOLE uncles and alcoholic dad....

Oh well, I probably won't hear from him for another 10 years now. Because I'm full of hate and too defensive, don'tcha know.

Unless his wife dumps him and he needs a place to live, that is.

Oh, and the other really charming thing he does...he'll tell me he has someone I should "meet", then goes on to describe them as losers. I'm like, wait, if you think he's a loser, why in GOD'S name do you think I ought to spend any time anywhere near him at all?

I'm sure he has no idea how incredibly insulting it is. Nor does he have any clue of the punches I pull when I'm talking to him, just in order to TRY to keep the convo civil and to build him up.

 

[Lumpy 1]

My brother calls me periodically. He means well, but he always ends up talking about my flipping ex(es). He always wants to talk about their sterling qualities, but doesn't want to hear anything I have to say, lectures me on how "useless" hatred is...

Which is true enough, but I'm sorry, if you talk to me about the good qualities of my fucking piece of shit ex, I'm going to feel compelled to say something. But he always wants to shut me down, while he waxes poetic. At the same time he is being "fair" by saying nice things about my ex, he strews little criticisms of me throughout...."you're not perfect" and "I'm sure you deserved it" ha, ha, funny dat, and "gosh you should have thought about that before you had two kids with him."

And he didn't even KNOW my ex. He met him a couple of times, and he wasn't impressed at the time. He just happened to run into the dickwad in a bar, and felt sorry for him because he was really nice.

Well yeah, he's always nice to men who can kick his ass. See what he's like when he's the toughest thing in the room. He's not nice at all. But of course, bro doesn't want to hear that sort of negativity.

Not that I want to talk about it, either, but I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. Repeatedly. Finally I became slightly irritated and offended my dear brother by saying if he expected me to heap praise upon my poor ex's head while he heaped coals upon mine, he was going to be disappointed.

It's like what the hell? I don't want to hear about what great chums you are with the douche and what a hag I am. Thanks, I left that behind.

Try pushing your brothers guilt buttons for a change. Ask him where his loyalty lies. It's okay to tell your brother to but out and the subject just pisses you off and it's none of his business.

 

[AllieBaba]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

 

[Lumpy 1]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

This kinda reminds me of my sister and my X remaining friends after the divorce. I didn't consider it much of a problem until I re-married, then it was a problem for my wife.

My theory.. when you get a divorce you divorce the whole family... it works out better in the long run..

Sorry... your brothers a putz... accept it .. it's easier that way.. no guilt to carry around..

 

[Madeline]

Ahhhhh, family. Donca love them?

 

[Luissa]

Sheesh.
That's all. I'd love to go on a rant, but what's the use.

Thank God for small miracles!

it's a large miracle, not a small one.

Is that code for something?

 

[AllieBaba]

Yes. It's code for "it's a large miracle, not a small one".

 

[AllieBaba]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

This kinda reminds me of my sister and my X remaining friends after the divorce. I didn't consider it much of a problem until I re-married, then it was a problem for my wife.

My theory.. when you get a divorce you divorce the whole family... it works out better in the long run..

Sorry... your brothers a putz... accept it .. it's easier that way.. no guilt to carry around..

Hell he'd never spent an hour with the ex until he got blitzed with my ex and his ex's husband (who owns the bar, go figure).

Funny thing....both my ex and his ex's hubby are wife beaters. I saw that ass bash her while sitting across a table from me, and saw her black eyes.

Mine of course smashed my face into the wall and broke my foot....

But hey, they're really just nice guys. Why can't we all be friends?

I honestly could care less if he gets loaded with them once or twice in a lifetime, I'm not that unhinged...just please don't lay it in my lap and expect me to say "gosh that's GREAT! Yeah, they are really nice guys, so long as you're not a female and don't do anything to trigger them..."

Even that would bring "Why have you got to be so NEGATIVE" down on me.

Oh well.

 

[Lumpy 1]

yeah, I pretty much did. How much registered?

Probably a big, fat zero.

This kinda reminds me of my sister and my X remaining friends after the divorce. I didn't consider it much of a problem until I re-married, then it was a problem for my wife.

My theory.. when you get a divorce you divorce the whole family... it works out better in the long run..

Sorry... your brothers a putz... accept it .. it's easier that way.. no guilt to carry around..

Hell he'd never spent an hour with the ex until he got blitzed with my ex and his ex's husband (who owns the bar, go figure).

Funny thing....both my ex and his ex's hubby are wife beaters. I saw that ass bash her while sitting across a table from me, and saw her black eyes.

Mine of course smashed my face into the wall and broke my foot....

But hey, they're really just nice guys. Why can't we all be friends?

I honestly could care less if he gets loaded with them once or twice in a lifetime, I'm not that unhinged...just please don't lay it in my lap and expect me to say "gosh that's GREAT! Yeah, they are really nice guys, so long as you're not a female and don't do anything to trigger them..."

Even that would bring "Why have you got to be so NEGATIVE" down on me.

Oh well.

I consider wife beaters, rapists and child molesters the lowest forms of life.. if it was up to me... they would be skinned and salted daily.

Your brothers reaction is also pissing me off... accept that he is a putz and you have no need for guilt..You're a mother and you did the absolute right thing...you should be praised and offered any assistance from your brother..

 

[lizzie]

The serenity prayer might be in order.

When it comes to family, you can't choose them, so you just accept them as they are, or you put them on ignore. It sounds to me like your brother has some serious hang-ups and is the one with the codependence problem, and you are the one who has broken free of some of it. Good for you.