Cheating on your Lover

[dilloduck]

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

I think there's a lot to the desirability and adequacy part. If what they already had was desirable, valuable and at least adequate, why would men feel the need to go elsewhere? Cheating seems like a sort of rejection and a statement about the worth maybe not of the partner, but definitely the relationship. Which gets interpreted personally.

again-----wiring. Discount the power of chemistry if you wish but pushing this all off on men being stupid or weak won't give you an answer.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Cheating .. defined as having sex, of any kind with someone other than your lover.

My point of few is that there is no good excuse for it.

Yet the question always comes down to this..

"Should we split up or stay together"

My answer for the victim .. "split up, I doubt you'll get over it but I'll support you either way"

My answer for the cheater.."Dumb Ass"

Isn't it only cheating if you try to do it without them knowing about it?

Gads... you really want to confuse the issue don't you?

 

[dilloduck]

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

My first husband had an affair and I didn't question myself or my desirability. I'm a very desirable woman .... so I truly believe he had an affair because he is an adrenaline junkie. He got off on the riskiness of it. So, I decided I didn't want to play his game and left him.

Which is obviously one solution. It probably would have been a bit more difficult after 10 years of marriage and three kids, a house, in-laws etc etc.

 

[PatekPhilippe]

One must understand the inner machinations of our inherent instincts. Man was never meant to be with one woman. To insure the survival of dominant male genes in the species males had many partners. With the advent of civilization and religion this behavior was seen as "bad". Personally speaking I have been on both sides of that fence as well. I have such a love for a woman's body, the different textures, the scents, the reactions to touch and stimulation, are all absolutely fascinating to me...... many times it's difficult to control myself...especially where I am right now.

If you know this about yourself, then why would you ever limit yourself to just one. Stay out of a committed relationship so you are setting someone else to be hurt because you love the "different textures, scents, reactions, etc.". Let your lovers know that you are incapable of fidelity.

PS - women get bored too.

Of course they do...when that happens...they move on as well.

and since you don't know a single thing about any relationship I've been in... how can you tell me what to do? Don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.

 

[LuckyDan]

So you are saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves ... that their word to another individual gets thrown under the bus in the name of lust and he can just shrug it off as the male's sexual nature?

Sorry, I didin't see this one before.

No, I do not say men are incapable of controllinjg themselves. I'm saying it is more difficult for them to battle lust, and women who recognize this and value it are themselves to be prized.

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

You believe it's the same? No difference?

Consider the porn industry. How many video makers and magazines and websites thrive on selling images of naked girls to men? How many on selling pics of naked men to women?

 

[kurtsprincess]

Guys and I'm guessing Gals are funny in a way.. Rather than simply accepting the total commitment to another they hold back just a little piece, their individuality. I think they feel if they lose that they've lost themselves. So they go around with that little piece and explore and imagine all the possibilities that they feel they may be missing out on.

The beautiful Gal with the big knockers, the secretary with the nice ass... the young lady all fresh and pure..the offers of delicious pleasure their not getting at home. etc (the Gals have to make up their own list.)

Some Guys bring that energy, ego boost, imagination.. etc, home to their wives.. others stray and if their emotionally equipped suffer the guilt..

There's more to this of course..

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

 

[kurtsprincess]

Sorry, I didin't see this one before.

No, I do not say men are incapable of controllinjg themselves. I'm saying it is more difficult for them to battle lust, and women who recognize this and value it are themselves to be prized.

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

You believe it's the same? No difference?

Edit: Consider the porn industry. How many video makers and magazines and websites thrive on selling images of naked girls to men? How many on selling pics of naked men to women?

Maybe that's why men are able to use the phrase "it's harder for men to control themselves" because there is so much media focus on naked women. I wonder how soon women would be using that phrase if media were to put the same amount of focus on naked men.

 

[dilloduck]

Guys and I'm guessing Gals are funny in a way.. Rather than simply accepting the total commitment to another they hold back just a little piece, their individuality. I think they feel if they lose that they've lost themselves. So they go around with that little piece and explore and imagine all the possibilities that they feel they may be missing out on.

The beautiful Gal with the big knockers, the secretary with the nice ass... the young lady all fresh and pure..the offers of delicious pleasure their not getting at home. etc (the Gals have to make up their own list.)

Some Guys bring that energy, ego boost, imagination.. etc, home to their wives.. others stray and if their emotionally equipped suffer the guilt..

There's more to this of course..

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

 

[kurtsprincess]

One must understand the inner machinations of our inherent instincts. Man was never meant to be with one woman. To insure the survival of dominant male genes in the species males had many partners. With the advent of civilization and religion this behavior was seen as "bad". Personally speaking I have been on both sides of that fence as well. I have such a love for a woman's body, the different textures, the scents, the reactions to touch and stimulation, are all absolutely fascinating to me...... many times it's difficult to control myself...especially where I am right now.

If you know this about yourself, then why would you ever limit yourself to just one. Stay out of a committed relationship so you are setting someone else to be hurt because you love the "different textures, scents, reactions, etc.". Let your lovers know that you are incapable of fidelity.

PS - women get bored too.

Of course they do...when that happens...they move on as well.

and since you don't know a single thing about any relationship I've been in... how can you tell me what to do? Don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.

I only know what you've revealed about yourself here. I made my statement based upon what you said.......and that's my opinion about someone who says they find it difficult to control themselves.

If I offended you I apologize.

 

[goldcatt]

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

I think there's a lot to the desirability and adequacy part. If what they already had was desirable, valuable and at least adequate, why would men feel the need to go elsewhere? Cheating seems like a sort of rejection and a statement about the worth maybe not of the partner, but definitely the relationship. Which gets interpreted personally.

again-----wiring. Discount the power of chemistry if you wish but pushing this all off on men being stupid or weak won't give you an answer.

Who said anything about men being stupid or weak? I'm actually saying the opposite if you think about it. It's not just some impulse for physical gratification they're too weak to resist. There has to be something else, some reason why they don't want to resist. The same as women, although the reason may be different.

 

[LuckyDan]

Guys and I'm guessing Gals are funny in a way.. Rather than simply accepting the total commitment to another they hold back just a little piece, their individuality. I think they feel if they lose that they've lost themselves. So they go around with that little piece and explore and imagine all the possibilities that they feel they may be missing out on.

The beautiful Gal with the big knockers, the secretary with the nice ass... the young lady all fresh and pure..the offers of delicious pleasure their not getting at home. etc (the Gals have to make up their own list.)

Some Guys bring that energy, ego boost, imagination.. etc, home to their wives.. others stray and if their emotionally equipped suffer the guilt..

There's more to this of course..

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

Yeah, I caught that, too. Are lazy guys up to much? Do they even attract committed partners to cheat on?

 

[Shadow]

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

If a woman is accusing a man of cheating without evidence,then trust is missing in the relationship between them. Rather than her just seeking therapy,both partners may need to work on this aspect of their relationship.

Could be she is reacting to how you are responding to her,and whether or not that makes her feel secure in the relationship. Could be communication between partners is lacking.

 

[dilloduck]

I think there's a lot to the desirability and adequacy part. If what they already had was desirable, valuable and at least adequate, why would men feel the need to go elsewhere? Cheating seems like a sort of rejection and a statement about the worth maybe not of the partner, but definitely the relationship. Which gets interpreted personally.

again-----wiring. Discount the power of chemistry if you wish but pushing this all off on men being stupid or weak won't give you an answer.

Who said anything about men being stupid or weak? I'm actually saying the opposite if you think about it. It's not just some impulse for physical gratification they're too weak to resist. There has to be something else, some reason why they don't want to resist. The same as women, although the reson may be different.

It does ? Really---now men cheat just for grins ?? They COULD resist but they choose not to ?

 

[kurtsprincess]

Guys and I'm guessing Gals are funny in a way.. Rather than simply accepting the total commitment to another they hold back just a little piece, their individuality. I think they feel if they lose that they've lost themselves. So they go around with that little piece and explore and imagine all the possibilities that they feel they may be missing out on.

The beautiful Gal with the big knockers, the secretary with the nice ass... the young lady all fresh and pure..the offers of delicious pleasure their not getting at home. etc (the Gals have to make up their own list.)

Some Guys bring that energy, ego boost, imagination.. etc, home to their wives.. others stray and if their emotionally equipped suffer the guilt..

There's more to this of course..

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

Possibly .... there could be other reasons, like my ex. He was an adrenaline junkie (raced cars, motorcycles, etc.) and liked the riskiness. Do you have a list that you want to share?

 

[kurtsprincess]

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

Yeah, I caught that, too. Are lazy guys up to much? Do they even attract committed partners to cheat on?

It's not physical laziness ... it's emotional laziness.

 

[goldcatt]

again-----wiring. Discount the power of chemistry if you wish but pushing this all off on men being stupid or weak won't give you an answer.

Who said anything about men being stupid or weak? I'm actually saying the opposite if you think about it. It's not just some impulse for physical gratification they're too weak to resist. There has to be something else, some reason why they don't want to resist. The same as women, although the reson may be different.

It does ? Really---now men cheat just for grins ?? They COULD resist but they choose not to ?

Isn't that how cheating happens, for both men and women? Sure they could resist, but they don't. Why?

 

[LuckyDan]

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

You believe it's the same? No difference?

Edit: Consider the porn industry. How many video makers and magazines and websites thrive on selling images of naked girls to men? How many on selling pics of naked men to women?

Maybe that's why men are able to use the phrase "it's harder for men to control themselves" because there is so much media focus on naked women. I wonder how soon women would be using that phrase if media were to put the same amount of focus on naked men.

I'm not talking about "media focus." I'm talking about making money in porn.

Men consume pix of naked girls voraciously, because they are lustful. If women are just as lustful, why aren't they consuming the same amount of male pornography?

And I can't help but wonder how many male members (pardon me) have given you av rep so far.

 

[dilloduck]

You it the nail on the head Lumpy......some guys bring that energy home to their wives and are able to uphold their vows. I also think that being in a committed relationship takes more work than the cheating. A man who cheats knows that he's cheating and doesn't have to put anything into the relationship....and because he's cheating he can blame inadequacies on his committed relationship and then not put any energy into that either. It's a lazy man's way out of exerting self-control and focusing his energies in one direction.

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

Possibly .... there could be other reasons, like my ex. He was an adrenaline junkie (raced cars, motorcycles, etc.) and liked the riskiness. Do you have a list that you want to share?

List of what? We could also be asking why it's so difficult for a woman to forgive ? Are they to weak, lazy or stupid ?

 

[PatekPhilippe]

If you know this about yourself, then why would you ever limit yourself to just one. Stay out of a committed relationship so you are setting someone else to be hurt because you love the "different textures, scents, reactions, etc.". Let your lovers know that you are incapable of fidelity.

PS - women get bored too.

Of course they do...when that happens...they move on as well.

and since you don't know a single thing about any relationship I've been in... how can you tell me what to do? Don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.

I only know what you've revealed about yourself here. I made my statement based upon what you said.......and that's my opinion about someone who says they find it difficult to control themselves.

If I offended you I apologize.

Thanks.....I'm not weak, nor stupid or lazy. Sometimes I'm impulsive to a fault...but I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

 

[LuckyDan]

So every man that has ever cheated is lazy, stupid or weak ?

Yeah, I caught that, too. Are lazy guys up to much? Do they even attract committed partners to cheat on?

It's not physical laziness ... it's emotional laziness.

I'm not sure what "emotional laziness" is, if not an absence of emotion. And in it's place, what? Lust?