Cheating on your Lover

[Lumpy 1]

Isn't it only cheating if you try to do it without them knowing about it?

Gads... you really want to confuse the issue don't you?

No, trying to clarify. I've had sex with several other guys since I got together with my current SO, but he knows about it, and was there on more than 1 occasion. I never thought of that as cheating because it was all in the open, but your definition got me concerned. I'm not sure where the sex with other women would fit either, so if you could clarify that as well I would appreciate it.

If there's no sexual exclusively understanding then it's kind of difficult to cheat..

 

[kurtsprincess]

List of what? We could also be asking why it's so difficult for a woman to forgive ? Are they to weak, lazy or stupid ?

Who says she doesn't forgive him for his weakness? Just because a woman leaves her husband because he broke her vows doesn't mean she didn't forgive him. But if he broke his vow in this instance, which is a very important vow, then who's to say he won't fail her in lesser things.

A man who keeps his vow shows that he has a value system.

ok--we're getting a great list here---a man who cheats is lazy, stupid, weak and doesn't have a value system.

Yep ... but to be honest, I would say that women that cheat would fit the list too.

 

[LuckyDan]

It's not physical laziness ... it's emotional laziness.

I'm not sure what "emotional laziness" is, if not an absence of emotion. And in it's place, what? Lust?

Expending sexual energy outside of a committed relationship is emotional laziness. Cheating and saying it's because I can't control myself is laziness because it's too hard to put extra energy and time into control one's self. It takes focus and work to bring that energy home and make the relationship work. Cheating is exactly that .... it cheats the one who is being faithful of having all their partners focus and energy.

Lust does not have to end in having sex.

I think we agree, but what you are calling emotional laziness, I might call self-indulgence.

And let me say ONE MORE TIME that I do not say men can't help themselves. Any man who claims he just couldn't help it is a child at heart, not a man.

I say only that it is more difficult for men than women - generally - to control their lust.

Lust doesn't end with sex, but for men it is temporarily sated. How is it with women?

 

[Luissa]

No, trying to clarify. I've had sex with several other guys since I got together with my current SO, but he knows about it, and was there on more than 1 occasion. I never thought of that as cheating because it was all in the open, but your definition got me concerned. I'm not sure where the sex with other women would fit either, so if you could clarify that as well I would appreciate it.

It may not be cheating, but your relationship will never last. Dr Dru says if you have to do things like that, there is something wrong with your relationship.

Dr Dru????

OMFG... Dr Dru. There's a whole other thread right there.

Ok, so back to reality. Who said "have to"? How about... enjoy?

We've been together more than a year and things are only getting better. You need a ton of trust to do what we do and we have it. I'd give my relationship better odds than most because we're so open with each other. I've never, EVER felt to connected to someone, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same.

You are talking about having sex with other men, and you want to talk about reality?
ANd PS DR Dru isn't the only one who says that.
And like I said, if you need to seek sex elsewhere there is something wrong with the relationship, even if you SO knows about.

 

[PatekPhilippe]

Possibly .... there could be other reasons, like my ex. He was an adrenaline junkie (raced cars, motorcycles, etc.) and liked the riskiness. Do you have a list that you want to share?

List of what? We could also be asking why it's so difficult for a woman to forgive ? Are they to weak, lazy or stupid ?

Who says she doesn't forgive him for his weakness? Just because a woman leaves her husband because he broke her vows doesn't mean she didn't forgive him. But if he broke his vow in this instance, which is a very important vow, then who's to say he won't fail her in lesser things.

A man who keeps his vow shows that he has a value system.

Not all people value the same things

 

[Amanda]

Perhaps women are more attracted to female porn....

And how is my rep relevant?

Okay, maybe they are. I wouldn't blame them, but even so, I'm pretty sure they don't consume it to the degree that men do.

I mentioned your av because you and I are discussing media focus on women, or male consumption of images of them, and your av is an example of what I'm talking about - an alluing image of a woman's attractive legs. I noticed it right away.

How very asute of you! I purposefully changed my av after I got involved in this thread. I felt that it would create a softer connection. It is one of my favorites because I think the female body is beautiful and one's avatar can convey a subtle message that words cannot.

As for the consumption of female porn by females ... have you noticed that a good portion of the porn these days is lesbian....I don't think that is just to satisfy male's sexual fantasies.

I really don't enjoy much porn but it's because I have a sex life that makes porn pale in comparison and so much of professional porn just feels so contrived. I do like some lesbian porn, but even a lot of that feels like it was made for male consumption. It doesn't often show what I feel is hot, but instead male ideas of what is hot about 2 women together. YMMV

 

[elvis]

I've never understood the whole swinger deal.

 

[kurtsprincess]

I'm not sure what "emotional laziness" is, if not an absence of emotion. And in it's place, what? Lust?

Expending sexual energy outside of a committed relationship is emotional laziness. Cheating and saying it's because I can't control myself is laziness because it's too hard to put extra energy and time into control one's self. It takes focus and work to bring that energy home and make the relationship work. Cheating is exactly that .... it cheats the one who is being faithful of having all their partners focus and energy.

Lust does not have to end in having sex.

I guess masturbation is cheating then too ?

Good question! Hmmmm... I think I would rather my husband masturbate and use that energy to satisfy himself if I were unavailable, than to put that energy into a third party.

 

[dilloduck]

I would think that women who experience menstrual cycles, pregnancy and menapause could at least make a stab at understanding the effects of hormones. It certainly makes it more difficult to maintain your normal, everyday composure and mood. Why is it so hard to believe that men aren't also affected by their hormones?

 

[PatekPhilippe]

I've never understood the whole swinger deal.

Me either....when I lived in NYC Plato's Retreat was a big thing back then.

 

[LuckyDan]

Perhaps women are more attracted to female porn....

And how is my rep relevant?

Okay, maybe they are. I wouldn't blame them, but even so, I'm pretty sure they don't consume it to the degree that men do.

I mentioned your av because you and I are discussing media focus on women, or male consumption of images of them, and your av is an example of what I'm talking about - an alluing image of a woman's attractive legs. I noticed it right away.

How very asute of you! I purposefully changed my av after I got involved in this thread. I felt that it would create a softer connection. It is one of my favorites because I think the female body is beautiful and one's avatar can convey a subtle message that words cannot.

As for the consumption of female porn by females ... have you noticed that a good portion of the porn these days is lesbian....I don't think that is just to satisfy male's sexual fantasies.

That's not new, Princess. I have, er, I mean I know a guy who has a book of 1920s porn with girl-girl stuff in it. Or so he says.

 

[dilloduck]

Expending sexual energy outside of a committed relationship is emotional laziness. Cheating and saying it's because I can't control myself is laziness because it's too hard to put extra energy and time into control one's self. It takes focus and work to bring that energy home and make the relationship work. Cheating is exactly that .... it cheats the one who is being faithful of having all their partners focus and energy.

Lust does not have to end in having sex.

I guess masturbation is cheating then too ?

Good question! Hmmmm... I think I would rather my husband masturbate and use that energy to satisfy himself if I were unavailable, than to put that energy into a third party.

and you ?

 

[kurtsprincess]

I'm not sure what "emotional laziness" is, if not an absence of emotion. And in it's place, what? Lust?

Expending sexual energy outside of a committed relationship is emotional laziness. Cheating and saying it's because I can't control myself is laziness because it's too hard to put extra energy and time into control one's self. It takes focus and work to bring that energy home and make the relationship work. Cheating is exactly that .... it cheats the one who is being faithful of having all their partners focus and energy.

Lust does not have to end in having sex.

I think we agree, but what you are calling emotional laziness, I might call self-indulgence.

And let me say ONE MORE TIME that I do not say men can't help themselves. Any man who claims he just couldn't help it is a child at heart, not a man.

I say only that it is more difficult for men than women - generally - to control their lust.

Lust doesn't end with sex, but for men it is temporarily sated. How is it with women?

How does lust end with women? Well, for me sometimes it ends in a totally spontaneous orgasm. That's what I love about being a woman .... we can have a rush of lust just watching a man walk into a room, experience the physical thrill, follow it through to orgasm and then shrug it off as a "hot flash".

And, it's good to know that you believe males that can't control themselves are just a child at heart. And we know that children are mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

 

[Shai]

I believe that cheating is more then sex when you cheat you broke youe partner truss and without truss there is no good relationship how can you truss someone who prove to be unreliable .

 

[kurtsprincess]

List of what? We could also be asking why it's so difficult for a woman to forgive ? Are they to weak, lazy or stupid ?

Who says she doesn't forgive him for his weakness? Just because a woman leaves her husband because he broke her vows doesn't mean she didn't forgive him. But if he broke his vow in this instance, which is a very important vow, then who's to say he won't fail her in lesser things.

A man who keeps his vow shows that he has a value system.

Not all people value the same things

True....but hopefully if one is in a committed relationship both parties value fidelity and vows if they've been said.

 

[JW Frogen]

Life is remarkable easy.

All you have to do is be honest, and pay the hard price.

 

[dilloduck]

Expending sexual energy outside of a committed relationship is emotional laziness. Cheating and saying it's because I can't control myself is laziness because it's too hard to put extra energy and time into control one's self. It takes focus and work to bring that energy home and make the relationship work. Cheating is exactly that .... it cheats the one who is being faithful of having all their partners focus and energy.

Lust does not have to end in having sex.

I think we agree, but what you are calling emotional laziness, I might call self-indulgence.

And let me say ONE MORE TIME that I do not say men can't help themselves. Any man who claims he just couldn't help it is a child at heart, not a man.

I say only that it is more difficult for men than women - generally - to control their lust.

Lust doesn't end with sex, but for men it is temporarily sated. How is it with women?

How does lust end with women? Well, for me sometimes it ends in a totally spontaneous orgasm. That's what I love about being a woman .... we can have a rush of lust just watching a man walk into a room, experience the physical thrill, follow it through to orgasm and then shrug it off as a "hot flash".

And, it's good to know that you believe males that can't control themselves are just a child at heart. And we know that children are mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

I think if men could do that as easily as you do there would be no need to cheat. Cheating in your mind works wonders.

 

[kurtsprincess]

I would think that women who experience menstrual cycles, pregnancy and menapause could at least make a stab at understanding the effects of hormones. It certainly makes it more difficult to maintain your normal, everyday composure and mood. Why is it so hard to believe that men aren't also affected by their hormones?

OK Dillo .... I will admit that hormones are burdensome. I just wonder how forgiving the world would be if women started using the hormonal excuse for murder....because that's what we feel like doing when our hormones take over....but somehow, and sometimes with the help of meds, we are able to control ourselves.

 

[kurtsprincess]

I guess masturbation is cheating then too ?

Good question! Hmmmm... I think I would rather my husband masturbate and use that energy to satisfy himself if I were unavailable, than to put that energy into a third party.

and you ?

of course .... ....

 

[kurtsprincess]

I think we agree, but what you are calling emotional laziness, I might call self-indulgence.

And let me say ONE MORE TIME that I do not say men can't help themselves. Any man who claims he just couldn't help it is a child at heart, not a man.

I say only that it is more difficult for men than women - generally - to control their lust.

Lust doesn't end with sex, but for men it is temporarily sated. How is it with women?

How does lust end with women? Well, for me sometimes it ends in a totally spontaneous orgasm. That's what I love about being a woman .... we can have a rush of lust just watching a man walk into a room, experience the physical thrill, follow it through to orgasm and then shrug it off as a "hot flash".

And, it's good to know that you believe males that can't control themselves are just a child at heart. And we know that children are mature enough to be in a committed relationship.

I think if men could do that as easily as you do there would be no need to cheat. Cheating in your mind works wonders.

Very true!!