Cheating on your Lover

[kurtsprincess]

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

So you are saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves ... that their word to another individual gets thrown under the bus in the name of lust and he can just shrug it off as the male's sexual nature?

 

[goldcatt]

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

Well that's the way a lot of people try to portray a male who cheats but a lot of people don't appreciate the libido in some men either.

Or in some women. Lust isn't exclusively male, you know.

 

[LuckyDan]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

Well, this is not the place for true confessions, but I would assume that if Mrs LD had an affair it is because she fell in love with the guy, in which case my forgiveness wouldn't matter. She would be gone.

But then, there is such a thing as "The Revenge Affair." If I believed she still loved me? Yes, keeping my family in tact is worth forgiving it.

Why would either partner consider an affair if the relationship is solid and doing well?? Most wouldn't, but for some men the need for variety is strong.

I would argue that part of the reason why your hypothetical relationship is stoing is because the woman understands the male's sexuality, caters to it, and lt's him know she appreciates his faithfulness.

 

[dilloduck]

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

So you are saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves ... that their word to another individual gets thrown under the bus in the name of lust and he can just shrug it off as the male's sexual nature?

no--in fact sometimes the guilt can haunt him forever.

 

[PatekPhilippe]

One must understand the inner machinations of our inherent instincts. Man was never meant to be with one woman. To insure the survival of dominant male genes in the species males had many partners. With the advent of civilization and religion this behavior was seen as "bad". Personally speaking I have been on both sides of that fence as well. I have such a love for a woman's body, the different textures, the scents, the reactions to touch and stimulation, are all absolutely fascinating to me...... many times it's difficult to control myself...especially where I am right now.

 

[LuckyDan]

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

Well that's the way a lot of people try to portray a male who cheats but a lot of people don't appreciate the libido in some men either.

Or in some women. Lust isn't exclusively male, you know.

I know. Again, I'm speaking generally. I'm well aware that some women have many, many lovers, and are faithful to none.

But I do not believe it's simply lust with them. I think there are, forgive me, esteem and worth issues for some, maybe Daddy issues for others. The result is the same - sex without love - even if the motivation isn't.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

Well that's the way a lot of people try to portray a male who cheats but a lot of people don't appreciate the libido in some men either.

Or in some women. Lust isn't exclusively male, you know.

.. I can't help but want to hear more about this lust you speak of..

( strictly from an inspirational perspective of course..

 

[kurtsprincess]

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

Disagree ..... vows do not provide emotional security, or the "promise" of emotional security. How a man treats a woman is what provides the emotional security, both before and after the vows.

I did not feel any more secure in my relationship with my husband after we said vows than I did before.

 

[Barb]

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

A woman who feels ignored by her husband -be he faithful and benign in all respects, will be easy to pull.

That's kind of an over generalization.
For four years, plenty of opportunity, and no interest.
BAM, walking down the street one day, and every system wakes up to full attention.
One person was responsible for that, completely oblivious, and so out of the question that it defies reason.
If there is a higher being, it has a wholly inappropriate sense of humor.

 

[dilloduck]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

 

[goldcatt]

Well that's the way a lot of people try to portray a male who cheats but a lot of people don't appreciate the libido in some men either.

Or in some women. Lust isn't exclusively male, you know.

.. I can't help but want to hear more about this lust you speak of..

( strictly from an inspirational perspective of course..

If you don't already know about it maybe it's time to turn off the computer and go see what the better half is up to.

 

[LuckyDan]

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

So you are saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves ... that their word to another individual gets thrown under the bus in the name of lust and he can just shrug it off as the male's sexual nature?

Sorry, I didin't see this one before.

No, I do not say men are incapable of controllinjg themselves. I'm saying it is more difficult for them to battle lust, and women who recognize this and value it are themselves to be prized.

 

[kurtsprincess]

One must understand the inner machinations of our inherent instincts. Man was never meant to be with one woman. To insure the survival of dominant male genes in the species males had many partners. With the advent of civilization and religion this behavior was seen as "bad". Personally speaking I have been on both sides of that fence as well. I have such a love for a woman's body, the different textures, the scents, the reactions to touch and stimulation, are all absolutely fascinating to me...... many times it's difficult to control myself...especially where I am right now.

If you know this about yourself, then why would you ever limit yourself to just one. Stay out of a committed relationship so you are setting someone else to be hurt because you love the "different textures, scents, reactions, etc.". Let your lovers know that you are incapable of fidelity.

PS - women get bored too.

 

[LuckyDan]

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

A woman who feels ignored by her husband -be he faithful and benign in all respects, will be easy to pull.

That's kind of an over generalization.
For four years, plenty of opportunity, and no interest.
BAM, walking down the street one day, and every system wakes up to full attention.
One person was responsible for that, completely oblivious, and so out of the question that it defies reason.
If there is a higher being, it has a wholly inappropriate sense of humor.

It is a generalization, and was meant as something of a pun, but no, not necessarily BAM! She may take a little work.

 

[kurtsprincess]

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

So you are saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves ... that their word to another individual gets thrown under the bus in the name of lust and he can just shrug it off as the male's sexual nature?

Sorry, I didin't see this one before.

No, I do not say men are incapable of controllinjg themselves. I'm saying it is more difficult for them to battle lust, and women who recognize this and value it are themselves to be prized.

What makes you think it's less difficult for women to battle lust? How do you think we are able to control it and men are not?

 

[dilloduck]

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

A woman who feels ignored by her husband -be he faithful and benign in all respects, will be easy to pull.

That's kind of an over generalization.
For four years, plenty of opportunity, and no interest.
BAM, walking down the street one day, and every system wakes up to full attention.
One person was responsible for that, completely oblivious, and so out of the question that it defies reason.
If there is a higher being, it has a wholly inappropriate sense of humor.

absolutely no doubt about it !

 

[Amanda]

Cheating .. defined as having sex, of any kind with someone other than your lover.

My point of few is that there is no good excuse for it.

Yet the question always comes down to this..

"Should we split up or stay together"

My answer for the victim .. "split up, I doubt you'll get over it but I'll support you either way"

My answer for the cheater.."Dumb Ass"

Isn't it only cheating if you try to do it without them knowing about it?

 

[goldcatt]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

I think there's a lot to the desirability and adequacy part. If what they already had was desirable, valuable and at least adequate, why would men feel the need to go elsewhere? Cheating seems like a sort of rejection and a statement about the worth maybe not of the partner, but definitely the relationship. Which gets interpreted personally.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Or in some women. Lust isn't exclusively male, you know.

.. I can't help but want to hear more about this lust you speak of..

( strictly from an inspirational perspective of course..

If you don't already know about it maybe it's time to turn off the computer and go see what the better half is up to.

Well played...the devil made me do it...

Although.. a little extra inspiration couldn't hurt..

 

[kurtsprincess]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

I think a lot of people feel that way and women will even question themselves as to their desirabilitly and adequacy. Sometimes it's just the wiring.

My first husband had an affair and I didn't question myself or my desirability. I'm a very desirable woman .... so I truly believe he had an affair because he is an adrenaline junkie. He got off on the riskiness of it. So, I decided I didn't want to play his game and left him.