Cheating on your Lover

[Barb]

My point of view.

If they will cheat on you once...they will cheat on you again. Not worth your time (learned this the hard way.) Cheating is a definate deal breaker IMO.

So, what if one or the other is on the disabled list long term (like forever, and only where sex is concerned) and they are in a committed relationship, and the other is not on the disabled list? Does the non disabled have to stare down the barrel of a lifetime of celibacy even if she or he feels a financial and emotional responsibility to stay in said committed relationship? Its a hard world for cut and dried pronouncements.

Unless the disabled partner agrees to let you have girlfriends.

Otherwise you can leave or stay and be celibate.

That's a hard row to hoe mud. My mom left my father after many years of celibacy, and while it wasn't the only issue, it was definitely a factor. This happened when I was the same age as my daughter is now, and at 22, I was left to fail to convince a man who had no bait on his hook that life was worth living. He killed himself, and I felt responsible. She had every right to a full life, fully lived, and while that wasn't the only problem in their marriage, it might have been the basis for many of the others. So tell me, would it have been better for her to have an affair and find some happiness in life, or was it better for her to take his with her and run with it? Is a mate required to decompose at the same (sometimes accelerated rate), as their spouse or are they allowed to find some solace in this life while maintaining other responsibilities?

In this case, I think the French have the better answer. The home, marriage and family, is the center of economic and social security, and the variables of life are taken as they come.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Sorry Guys.. going with the Lady on this one..

All right I can't stand it anymore,

Will you marry me Lumpy?

I tell you what .. I'll think about it, how do look in fish net stockings and tight leather skirts?...

 

[LuckyDan]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Because most men are capable of it, and should be recognized and appreciated by their wives for remaining faithful. Surely you know people who are happy in their marriages.

 

[Barb]

My point of view.

If they will cheat on you once...they will cheat on you again. Not worth your time (learned this the hard way.) Cheating is a definate deal breaker IMO.

So, what if one or the other is on the disabled list long term (like forever, and only where sex is concerned) and they are in a committed relationship, and the other is not on the disabled list? Does the non disabled have to stare down the barrel of a lifetime of celibacy even if she or he feels a financial and emotional responsibility to stay in said committed relationship? Its a hard world for cut and dried pronouncements.

I don't know...is this something they have agreed to as a couple? Or is one partner sneaking around behind the others back?

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

 

[dilloduck]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Because most men are capable of it, and should be recognized and appreciated by their wives for remaining faithful. Surely you know people who are happy in their marriages.

they make the promise simply because they can ?

 

[LuckyDan]

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Because most men are capable of it, and should be recognized and appreciated by their wives for remaining faithful. Surely you know people who are happy in their marriages.

they make the promise simply because they can ?

They make the promise, I would assume, because they want to be married.

 

[dilloduck]

Because most men are capable of it, and should be recognized and appreciated by their wives for remaining faithful. Surely you know people who are happy in their marriages.

they make the promise simply because they can ?

They make the promise, I would assume, because they want to be married.

There are many people married in this world that haven't made this promise.

 

[goldcatt]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Making it? Ask 10 people you'll probably get five different answers ranging from pure possesiveness to helping their partner feel secure - and the rest blank stares because they never thought about why. Believing it? Because they want to, even in situations where it's probably not realistic.

 

[dilloduck]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Making it? Ask 10 people you'll probably get five different answers ranging from pure possesiveness to helping their partner feel secure - and the rest blank stares because they never thought about why. Believing it? Because they want to, even in situations where it's probably not realistic.

It's those that "never thought about why" that concerns me.

 

[LuckyDan]

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Making it? Ask 10 people you'll probably get five different answers ranging from pure possesiveness to helping their partner feel secure - and the rest blank stares because they never thought about why. Believing it? Because they want to, even in situations where it's probably not realistic.

It's those that "never thought about why" that concerns me.

Why?

 

[Lumpy 1]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

When you're single and you have an understanding of sexual loyalty and one of you breaks it .. that's it .. no trust.. it's over.. (still up to them.. I just wouldn't stand for it)

On the husband wife thing.. I'm not saying they should split up, I'm saying it up to them but the odds of trust being renewed.. pretty slim.

Also.. I think guys get just as emotionally involved as the ladies. There is something about guys ego's though.. they may not really want her but they don't want any other guy have her, I don't know if the Ladies feel the same way..

Ego? If a man doesn't want a woman why would he care who she sleeps with? Unless he's a control freak. Maybe that's what you meant.

I believe the sexual natures of men and women are worlds apart. Men have an innate desire for variety which makes monogamy more difficult for them than for women.

Edit - Not that men should get a pass for being unfaithful. It is a broken promise in a marriage and a painful one. I just disagree with you that if it happens once, the marriage should end. Not necessarily.

Ego..))) I don't think guys like to share.. it's competitive nature.. hell, if we liked to share we probably wouldn't get married in the first place..

innate desire for variety..I'm not sure if it's just the Guys... I'm thinking

 

[dilloduck]

Making it? Ask 10 people you'll probably get five different answers ranging from pure possesiveness to helping their partner feel secure - and the rest blank stares because they never thought about why. Believing it? Because they want to, even in situations where it's probably not realistic.

It's those that "never thought about why" that concerns me.

Why?

People who don't think about what they are doing or why they are doing it always bother me.

 

[Shadow]

So, what if one or the other is on the disabled list long term (like forever, and only where sex is concerned) and they are in a committed relationship, and the other is not on the disabled list? Does the non disabled have to stare down the barrel of a lifetime of celibacy even if she or he feels a financial and emotional responsibility to stay in said committed relationship? Its a hard world for cut and dried pronouncements.

I don't know...is this something they have agreed to as a couple? Or is one partner sneaking around behind the others back?

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

 

[LuckyDan]

I don't know...is this something they have agreed to as a couple? Or is one partner sneaking around behind the others back?

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

 

[dilloduck]

I don't know...is this something they have agreed to as a couple? Or is one partner sneaking around behind the others back?

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

so celibacy would be a choice that would be easy for you to make?

 

[LuckyDan]

It's those that "never thought about why" that concerns me.

Why?

People who don't think about what they are doing or why they are doing it always bother me.

Alright. I just thought it odd that you would be concerned about whether someone to whom you are not married can give a reason as to why they wanted to be part of a monogamous relationship.

And this gets down to why anyone would marry, and the very value of marriage. For me, it's family. If I want to be a father, I'm gonna need a woman who wants to be a mother. And I believe that if you're gonna do the family thing right, the parents should be loving, faithful and, yes, married.

Divorce is very painful for children, and that's another reason why adultery should not automatically lead to a split.

Marriage wiithout kids has it's advantages, too. Not everyone wants to date all their life. The series of meeting, dating, breaking-up, getting over, then starting again becomes tiresome for some. Marriage ends that.

 

[Barb]

I don't know...is this something they have agreed to as a couple? Or is one partner sneaking around behind the others back?

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

Forever? Forever is a long time. If a person had a history with someone, they'd be averse to throwing that someone away, especially if the damage, both immediate and collateral (family stability) would be unforgivable and unforgiven. Life is far from simple, and doing the right thing can have extremely unhealthy results for those doing the right thing. So who gets to live in a black and white world, and who is required to die?

 

[goldcatt]

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

 

[dilloduck]

Why?

People who don't think about what they are doing or why they are doing it always bother me.

Alright. I just thought it odd that you would be concerned about whether someone to whom you are not married can give a reason as to why they wanted to be part of a monogamous relationship.

And this gets down to why anyone would marry, and the very value of marriage. For me, it's family. If I want to be a father, I'm gonna need a woman who wants to be a mother. And I believe that if you're gonna do the family thing right, the parents should be loving, faithful and, yes, married.

Divorce is very painful for children, and that's another reason why adultery should not automatically lead to a split.

Marriage wiithout kids has it's advantages, too. Not everyone wants to date all their life. The series of meeting, dating, breaking-up, getting over, then starting again becomes tiresome for some. Marriage ends that.

and starts a whole new puzzling relationship to work out.
My question is should fidelity be the thing that it all hinges on and if it is--how did we get there when other countries didn't ?

 

[Shadow]

Neither. It is an issue that has not and cannot be addressed. There are only two choices, deprivation or deception. Which would you choose?

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

so celibacy would be a choice that would be easy for you to make?

Yes,I could make that choice. Mainly because if I was to comit myself to someone, it would have to be based on a lot of things besides just the sexual aspects of the relationship.