Zone1 This is an ethics quandary need help!

[evenflow1969]

So I find myself in a bad situation. My brother recently passed away tragically and unexpectedly. He was a troubled soul. Evidently he had a mistress of 10 years. Evidently this was common knowledge amongst everyone in the family except for me. I do not live in the same area as my family and am considered a bit of a boy scout. I am content to hunt, fish, golf and stay in my own lane. This lady (the mistress)some how learned of my brothers death and some how found my phone number. So surprise surprise now I know about it. She is wanting to know when the services are. I make some phone calls asking the family what the hell? Not wanting to give out the information to the mistress I don't, I stall. First my family is angry with me for asking about this. I am now stuck with telling this lady she can not come. Obviously there is something wrong with being a mistress but she is human and Obviously feeling loss. How do I break it to her that she can not come. My mother has money and influence it could actually be dangerous for this lady to show up. How do I break this to the lady while being sensitive to her feelings and yet make sure absolutely does not show up?

 

[lg325]

Be honest and upfront. It will be uncomfortable but it is the best way.

 

[The Duke]

Hoo! Thanks for making me feel better! Be upfront. Don't be insulting.

I'm not tactful and have zero filter anyway, maybe consult somebody else.

You have to let her her know her presence there is not welcome.

 

[Dekster]

So I find myself in a bad situation. My brother recently passed away tragically and unexpectedly. He was a troubled soul. Evidently he had a mistress of 10 years. Evidently this was common knowledge amongst everyone in the family except for me. I do not live in the same area as my family and am considered a bit of a boy scout. I am content to hunt, fish, golf and stay in my own lane. This lady (the mistress)some how learned of my brothers death and some how found my phone number. So surprise surprise now I know about it. She is wanting to know when the services are. I make some phone calls asking the family what the hell? Not wanting to give out the information to the mistress I don't, I stall. First my family is angry with me for asking about this. I am now stuck with telling this lady she can not come. Obviously there is something wrong with being a mistress but she is human and Obviously feeling loss. How do I break it to her that she can not come. My mother has money and influence it could actually be dangerous for this lady to show up. How do I break this to the lady while being sensitive to her feelings and yet make sure absolutely does not show up?

Not your job to keep her away. I would say "it is Tuesday at noon at ABC church but be forewarned some in the family apparently don't want you there for whatever reason. Do as you wish."

 

[Care4all]

Tell her it would greatly upset his immediate family for her to be there, and you know your brother would not want that to happen, and this should be respected on such a somber occasion.

tell her he knows her sorrow and loss....

and that after his burial, she can give her respects at the grave site later on, in a more personal and direct way....

 

[Care4all]

Did your brother and mistress have any kids?

 

[The Duke]

Tell her it would greatly upset his immediate family for her to be there, and you know your brother would not want that to happen, and this should be respected in such a somber occasion.

tell her he knows her sorrow and loss....

and that after his burial, she can give her respects at the grave site later on, in a more personal and direct way....

That! I'd go with that!

 

[evenflow1969]

Tell her it would greatly upset his immediate family for her to be there, and you know your brother would not want that to happen, and this should be respected on such a somber occasion.

tell her he knows her sorrow and loss....

and that after his burial, she can give her respects at the grave site later on, in a more personal and direct way....

That is a shit load better than anything I have come up with so far, thanks.

 

[evenflow1969]

Did your brother and mistress have any kids?

Don't know. Knew nothing about her till last night. She did not say anything about kids so I would assume not but thru the shock of the phone call I did not give her a lot of time to talk. I don't even remember what I said as a stalling tactic but I did tell her I would get back to her.

 

[evenflow1969]

That! I'd go with that!

Ya, I hunt, fish, and golf with dudes.I don't need tact for such situations. I already had my wife of thirty years take me to the cleaners not long ago thru divorce.I have avoided situations where tact is necessary for the past few years. Lost some social skills. I have had some situations where some youngins hit on me but just acted like I was to stupid to understand they were hitting on me. Don't think playing stupid will work in this situation.

 

[The Duke]

Ya, I hunt, fish, and golf with dudes.I don't need tact for such situations. I already had my wife of thirty years take me to the cleaners not long ago thru divorce.I have avoided situations where tact is necessary for the past few years. Lost some social skills. I have had some situations where some youngins hit on me but just acted like I was to stupid to understand they were hitting on me. Don't think playing stupid will work in this situation.

It won't, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm not jealous!

 

[BS Filter]

Ignore her.

 

[jwoodie]

So I find myself in a bad situation. My brother recently passed away tragically and unexpectedly. He was a troubled soul. Evidently he had a mistress of 10 years. Evidently this was common knowledge amongst everyone in the family except for me. I do not live in the same area as my family and am considered a bit of a boy scout. I am content to hunt, fish, golf and stay in my own lane. This lady (the mistress)some how learned of my brothers death and some how found my phone number. So surprise surprise now I know about it. She is wanting to know when the services are. I make some phone calls asking the family what the hell? Not wanting to give out the information to the mistress I don't, I stall. First my family is angry with me for asking about this. I am now stuck with telling this lady she can not come. Obviously there is something wrong with being a mistress but she is human and Obviously feeling loss. How do I break it to her that she can not come. My mother has money and influence it could actually be dangerous for this lady to show up. How do I break this to the lady while being sensitive to her feelings and yet make sure absolutely does not show up?

Need more information: Was he married and/or divorced? If so, is his wife still part of the family? Did he have children with his mistress? Is she interested in his inheritance? Why is your family angry about her?

 

[The Irish Ram]

So I find myself in a bad situation. My brother recently passed away tragically and unexpectedly. He was a troubled soul. Evidently he had a mistress of 10 years. Evidently this was common knowledge amongst everyone in the family except for me. I do not live in the same area as my family and am considered a bit of a boy scout. I am content to hunt, fish, golf and stay in my own lane. This lady (the mistress)some how learned of my brothers death and some how found my phone number. So surprise surprise now I know about it. She is wanting to know when the services are. I make some phone calls asking the family what the hell? Not wanting to give out the information to the mistress I don't, I stall. First my family is angry with me for asking about this. I am now stuck with telling this lady she can not come. Obviously there is something wrong with being a mistress but she is human and Obviously feeling loss. How do I break it to her that she can not come. My mother has money and influence it could actually be dangerous for this lady to show up. How do I break this to the lady while being sensitive to her feelings and yet make sure absolutely does not show up?

You say. "Sorry, it is reserved for family." Good luck and good bye.

 

[Blackrook]

It's not your business to tell her she can't come to the funeral, nor is it your business to tell her she can.

 

[evenflow1969]

Need more information: Was he married and/or divorced? If so, is his wife still part of the family? Did he have children with his mistress? Is she interested in his inheritance? Why is your family angry about her?

He was still married. Had children with his wife. No children with the mistress to my knowledge. Don't know why the family I'd angry with her.I knew nothing about her till last night. Not jumping up and down to learn why the family is pissed. They have evidently known about her for almost a decade and never told me jack crap about her. Not thrilled she is my problem now. Before I go to bed to night I will deal with one way or another.

 

[jwoodie]

He was still married. Had children with his wife. No children with the mistress to my knowledge. Don't know why the family I'd angry with her.I knew nothing about her till last night. Not jumping up and down to learn why the family is pissed. They have evidently known about her for almost a decade and never told me jack crap about her. Not thrilled she is my problem now. Before I go to bed to night I will deal with one way or another.

I think it's his wife's call. Good luck!

 

[The Duke]

I might have to deal with a lot of things, but I don't have to deal with this!

 

[evenflow1969]

I might have to deal with a lot of things, but I don't have to deal with this!

I told her politely it would not be a good idea to come and that I felt and acknowledged her loss. Did find out she had no children with him. Now just have to get through the services this next week end and figure out how to be a part of his sons life from over three hours away. The son is from his marriage for clarification. He left an 8 year old. His son is who I feel the worst for. I had my father into my late 50s. I can not imagine not having a father at such an early age. I feel as though I have lost my child. I was significantly older and my brother for some reason did not get along with our father well. So I filled that role in many ways. What a cluster f this crap is. Thank God charter season starts in a little over a month and I get to disappear onto the water. Life becomes very simple then. Find fish be happy. Lose fish no problem. Crank the music tell the clients to reach into the cooler. Find fish. Happy again

 

[The Irish Ram]

I'm sorry you lost your brother.