The Secret

[Modbert]

Edited - Modbert

 

[Mad Scientist]

[youtube]tjl9aNLvgf0[/youtube]

 

[Modbert]

[youtube]tjl9aNLvgf0[/youtube]

How kind of you.

 

[random3434]

I liked your story Rob. Good to see some youth out there using creative writing skills.

 

[California Girl]

Your sentence structure needs work. I had to read some a couple of times before I got what you were saying.

 

[Modbert]

Your sentence structure needs work. I had to read some a couple of times before I got what you were saying.

Thank you for reading.

And I did say:

It's not proofread that well to be quite honest, however this is by no means a final draft.

 

[California Girl]

Your sentence structure needs work. I had to read some a couple of times before I got what you were saying.

Thank you for reading.

And I did say:

It's not proofread that well to be quite honest, however this is by no means a final draft.

I'm a professional writer.... it comes with the territory to nitpick. Otherwise your editor kicks your ass.

*Grrrrrrrrr - Editors *

 

[midcan5]

Sounds like a script for "Brothers and Sisters," a show my wife watches, mostly tapes every week. I find the show depressing, all the sad faces and complexities of life. But true to life too as a major character has cancer last I saw bits of it.

A few comments: wouldn't a wife stay and hope, seems to me that suspends my belief system too radically. Even fiction of this sort has to be believable. Why is being an atheist so bad especially in a stable marriage? And why tell the truth now, obviously for the dramatic element but why? What would all of a sudden change a character? And is he presidential material after this sudden change of heart. Only nitpicking here but building a story needs characters who are believable within the frame. All your life you worked for something and now.....

 

[Modbert]

Sounds like a script for "Brothers and Sisters," a show my wife watches, mostly tapes every week. I find the show depressing, all the sad faces and complexities of life. But true to life too as a major character has cancer last I saw bits of it.

A few comments: wouldn't a wife stay and hope, seems to me that suspends my belief system too radically. Even fiction of this sort has to be believable. Why is being an atheist so bad especially in a stable marriage? And why tell the truth now, obviously for the dramatic element but why? What would all of a sudden change a character? And is he presidential material after this sudden change of heart. Only nitpicking here but building a story needs characters who are believable within the frame. All your life you worked for something and now.....

I'm glad you asked that. It isn't necessary the fact that being an Atheist is bad. And many of your other questions.

This will hopefully answer most of your questions:

Some Americans Reluctant to Vote for Mormon, 72-Year-Old Presidential Candidates

An atheist would seem to have the hardest time getting elected president, as a majority of Americans (53%) say they would not vote for a presidential candidate who was an atheist.

And THAT is just the number of people who would admit to doing so on a poll. AND that is just the number who would not vote for him on the basis of being an Atheist. So essentially, any campaign for President would be up in smoke faster than a night with Cheech and Chong.

As for a change of heart, guilt can be a very big thing that weighs upon honest people. And the other point I was trying to get across was that honest people just don't cut it in politics for exactly that reason.

Again, it isn't the fact that he was any different after revealing this. It was simple that due to people's intolerance of what you belief is what made him less "qualified" as a Presidential candidate.

 

[AllieBaba]

Never submit your work for criticism until you've proofread it at least twice and then edited it with a meat cleaver.

First things I noticed...green and brown eyes, in the first two sentences. Too much, no value.

Second thing I noticed, no comma in the woman's first sentence.
After that I wasn't interested. If you don't have the interest in editing it neither do I.

Be ruthless, eliminate all repetitious commentary or verbage. Honestly, it looks like you're just adding adjectives for the sake of adding adjectives. Stop it unless they do something to further the plot.

Beginning, middle, end. Edit the crap out of it and rearrange it and re-submit it. You'll get a much more positive reaction, but honestly, unless you're a very young kid, you can't expect adults to wade t hrough your product when you aren't even interested in editing it yourself.

 

[Modbert]

Never submit your work for criticism until you've proofread it at least twice and then edited it with a meat cleaver.

First things I noticed...green and brown eyes, in the first two sentences. Too much, no value.

Second thing I noticed, no comma in the woman's first sentence.
After that I wasn't interested. If you don't have the interest in editing it neither do I.

Be ruthless, eliminate all repetitious commentary or verbage. Honestly, it looks like you're just adding adjectives for the sake of adding adjectives. Stop it unless they do something to further the plot.

Beginning, middle, end. Edit the crap out of it and rearrange it and re-submit it. You'll get a much more positive reaction, but honestly, unless you're a very young kid, you can't expect adults to wade t hrough your product when you aren't even interested in editing it yourself.

First off, I thank you for reading it.

I have an interest in editing it. I know the grammar and sentence structure isn't at it's best. I was simply looking for feedback on things like story content.

Thank you for taking the time to read it though and I'll remember what you said when I go back and edit it again.

 

[AllieBaba]

Good for you. You've been at it less than a month; my criticism is in no way meant to say you're a crappy writer. Just helpful hints. I'm a writer and I write clean, clear, insightful crap when I have to.

I don't have to on a message board, so you could go through any of my posts and find numerous grammatical, spelling, tense errors.

The thing is, if you're interested in creative writing, or journalism, you're better off doing the harshest criticism yourself before you submit it to someone who probably isn't half the writer you are, who will butcher it and insult you in the process. Tighten it up, get rid of non-necessary crap, move things around so it flows. It will end up much shorter, but a much better read.

Just my take.

 

[Diuretic]

Firstly, the content. When I read a short story I'm acutely aware of the fact that there's going to be a twist in it - at least I hope there is. The best short story writers can do this and camouflage it so well that when you get to it the impact is almost physical. It's a rare talent. Now when I've read the story I go back and read it again to find out how the writer concealed the plot but still allowed it to unfold. Sometimes it's "hiding in plain sight", but that takes a lot of skill. O. Henry is a a fine short story craftsman, I like reading his stories.

At times the twist is disappointing and even some great writers have done that.

I remember reading a story by de Maupassant which had as its twist something which was obvious in retrospect but the story didn't allow the reader to begin to think about the twist.

I like the twist in this. I didn't see it coming at all. I was looking for it though and dismissed a few possibilities as being too obvious and the fact I didn't see it coming made it a good read. One thing I would say is that you might want to build up the political context a little more. A non-Christian has probably no hope of making president in a religious country like America, I think if you beef up the political context in which the main protagonist finds himself - maybe some internal narrative? - it may help the twist become a little more of a surprise. But then perhaps that's me not being an American reader not being able to pick up the impact properly. I suppose it depends on your intended market.

Secondly, the technical bits - that's what an editor is for, as has been said, so I won't even go there.

Anyway it takes some courage to put your story out there for criticism - as they say, "kill your darlings and you're left with your best work".

 

[Charles Stucker]

I think you might consider changing the title to "Secret Service" - for a little double entendre, perhaps even retelling it from the POV of the secret service agent who guards and admires the protagonist.
And of course do the ruthless editing. Perhaps Try LeGuin's trick of counting the words and cutting half of them; if the story now has 2200 words, rewrite it at 1100. Then go in and see how it reads.

 

[Diuretic]

Good ideas, POV is really important. I'm struggling with it in my own attempt, amazing how it can completely turn around a narrative.

 

[Darkwind]

Your sentence structure needs work. I had to read some a couple of times before I got what you were saying.

Thank you for reading.

And I did say:

It's not proofread that well to be quite honest, however this is by no means a final draft.

I'm a professional writer.... it comes with the territory to nitpick. Otherwise your editor kicks your ass.

*Grrrrrrrrr - Editors *

Editors will make you a better writer. Or a burger flipper.