tigerred59
Gold Member
- Mar 17, 2015
- 21,276
- 2,880
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- #1
My big brother died, July 7 of a stroke.....it was sudden, without warning and he was gone. The very next day, July 8 would have been his 64 birthday. I have been crying ever since. Now the cruelty....because I have been in self isolation since the word came out, I am without a hug, without my family, without our mom, I am alone. Although the family talk via the phone, of course its not the same......I need a shoulder to rest my heart on, a kiss on the forehead for assurance, something to bring his cold cruel death to warmth.
Were it under any other circumstances, I could make it through this, but Covid won't let me.
His wake, is Sunday and although I plan to attend, I am without a doubt, fearful as hell. My family, his wife, is of the old school mentality, as is his church, the more the merrier......will every one come masked? or will they not??? I don't know and like I said, I am terrified to be among the mourners....So far from all the video I've been receiving, as they celebrated his birthday, no masks, just tears and sadness, like I said, I am scared as hell about Sunday and this wake. I will not attend the funeral Monday, because word is out, 70 mourners will be accommodated....I am beside myself with guilt, sadness and grief.
This virus, this hell, is beyond the heart, its tearing away at my soul. My anxiety is over the top, I can't drink enough liquor to get me through this guilt and the fear. My 83 year old mother will be at this funeral and I am beside myself with fear. But mama must say good bye to her first born and I understand. I feel like a coward, I feel hopeless, but I'm afraid, so afraid to go.
I had hoped the wife would arrange a private viewing for the immediate family and plan a virtual funereal, but she needs the support from all his friends and family.....I understand...but I can't get passed the reality that black funerals end so often with black people becoming infected and dying...I've heard to many stories about this, but still I feel like a coward.
Covid-19 has stripped me finally of everything, including my heart. Her cruelty, I bow to you, you win!!
May my big brother sleep in heavenly peace and forgive me for being afraid and a coward.
Were it under any other circumstances, I could make it through this, but Covid won't let me.
His wake, is Sunday and although I plan to attend, I am without a doubt, fearful as hell. My family, his wife, is of the old school mentality, as is his church, the more the merrier......will every one come masked? or will they not??? I don't know and like I said, I am terrified to be among the mourners....So far from all the video I've been receiving, as they celebrated his birthday, no masks, just tears and sadness, like I said, I am scared as hell about Sunday and this wake. I will not attend the funeral Monday, because word is out, 70 mourners will be accommodated....I am beside myself with guilt, sadness and grief.
This virus, this hell, is beyond the heart, its tearing away at my soul. My anxiety is over the top, I can't drink enough liquor to get me through this guilt and the fear. My 83 year old mother will be at this funeral and I am beside myself with fear. But mama must say good bye to her first born and I understand. I feel like a coward, I feel hopeless, but I'm afraid, so afraid to go.
I had hoped the wife would arrange a private viewing for the immediate family and plan a virtual funereal, but she needs the support from all his friends and family.....I understand...but I can't get passed the reality that black funerals end so often with black people becoming infected and dying...I've heard to many stories about this, but still I feel like a coward.
Covid-19 has stripped me finally of everything, including my heart. Her cruelty, I bow to you, you win!!
May my big brother sleep in heavenly peace and forgive me for being afraid and a coward.
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