- Aug 4, 2011
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Get cracking and produce, son!
Update at my house...my 13 y.o. "ex" stepson has come to live with us, he was not attending school at home, getting into trouble with his crazy cousins, spent a lot of last year in residential treatment for smoking pot (I think, of course I don't have the whole story I'm sure, just like I didn't get the whole story about his academic issues, sheesh). Dad is an alcoholic. I don't know if Mom is an alcoholic or not, but she definitely is a part of the drinking culture, and works nights, and is married to a guy with 8 children (grown now but they're still around), has two other sons.
The boy of course now has a reputation in his community, can't seem to keep out of trouble with his cousins (who do things like steal vehicles and come pick him up, meet him at the bus stop then boogie to do who knows what all day, generally includes a drug or booze), hates the school there, Mom is not very consistent...if he won't get up for school I'm sure she doesn't drag him out, at least not all the time..anyway, she was worried about him, at her wits end.
So we brought him here. I live in a different town 350 miles away; completely different atmosphere. He's Indian and from the res but there are no reservations here, so he doesn't get stuck in that whole ball of wax where he's most comfortable with his Indian friends and relatives, and where he's identified as a reservation kid at the school and in the community. It's an excuse to behave badly and at the same time an excuse for resentment towards the community, if one has that inclination. It isn't always a bad thing, but it definitely is a hard mold to break because the Indian community is so strong and prevailing in that community....
I've had him for about 10 days or so. It's been hard for him, he hasn't been with us for years, the very area is completely alien to him. He's used to desert and mountains...we're on the coast, moderate rainforest, emphasis on rain. And forest. He's used to lots of native relatives and friends, and lots and lots of freedom and space...none of that here. Just me and his little brother and sister (and he's not used to that either, haha). I don't drink at all, don't socialize much, I'm all about work and kids and school and extracurricular activities, so when I'm not at work I'm right there with the kids, and that has to be difficult for him as well. I'm about as different from his mom as I can be, and I've no doubt I annoy the hell out of him.
I wanted to get him started in school last week, but they had bad storms all week, power outages, program cancellations and stuff, and they lost the paperwork so he didn't start till yesterday. It wasn't a great week for him, because he was left at home while I'd go to work and the kids went to school, thank goodness he doesn't know anyone here is all I can say, because that's just a hot mess waiting to happen.
The day and night before he started school was pretty intense, he was fairly nervous and stressing over whether he was going to go back a grade, and he met a couple of girls so he was really adamant that he go into 8th grade, not 7th (and he doesn't even test that high, but he's still an adolescent so we work with that, lol).
Plus my car was parked because the gas gauge was on E (too many expenditures this month..didn't expect to have an extra child, didn't expect to house/feed the guy who brought him for a few days either) so we were on foot his first day, haha was sort of funny cuz we all walked to school in the rain.
But it all worked out; his mom sent a little money for him that got here yesterday so we were able to put gas in the car (though really walking was good for us all). He allegedly has "insomnia" but I don't think he has true insomnia so much as he tends to want to stay up all night and sleep all day, haha. I told him tonight we'd address that by turning off all the electronic devices at 11 and see how that works.
He loves his new school, and I don't blame him, it's beautiful. It's smaller than his old one which means it's less chaotic..there isn't any gang activity that I can see (also a change), even the office is calmer and more relaxed than the office at his old school. He has issues with crowds and chaos (again, allegedly, not sure if he really does or he just suffers anxiety because he's been left at loose ends too many times) so the calmer, quieter atmosphere agrees with him.
He is talking more, smiling more, and went to school happy this morning. Things look pretty good so far. If he doesn't skip any classes or give me any grief between now and say mid-March, I'm buying him a nice bike. The poor kid didn't have a bike to bring with him, or a back pack, and I'm seriously wondering if he has more than 1 pr of underwear. If he does I sure haven't seen them.
Well we'll address that on payday, lol.
"get cracking and produce"
My mom says that all the time verbatim
Your step nephew sounds a lot like I used to be, I'm sure he will adjust to the environment just fine, however it will be several months if not years.
I had a difficult time myself after my parents moved few towns over when I was 15 years old. I went from the ghetto to an upper middle class community and the transition was difficult for me.
It took a while to assimilate...
If deep down inside the kid is a good person he will be fine....
Some people on the other hand cant be helped because they are just bad via nature... They're lost causes, nothing will ever help them, not love, not nature, not a chance of scenery...
So far I've no complaints about him, I'm realistic and love working with off the wall boys and he came because he wanted to, so at least we aren't dealing with resentment on top of everything else. As long as my younger kids aren't suffering we're good. I honestly think that his problems just come from not having engaged parents who are can be counted on to consistently provide what he needs, including emotional support, when he needs it. I mean, how can a kid go to school and do well if he has no backpack, no binder, and only one pair of shoes and one pair of underwear? Of course he'll ditch. It's better to just skip than to show up and sit there in inadequate clothes with none of the tools you need to participate.
And I don't want to imply that his mother doesn't love him and care about him, she really does. She's just tends to identify a little too much with the kids themselves, and lets them sort of dictate what's going on. Well they're 13-14 years old, they aren't the best people to be running the household.
There's a certain amount of parenting boys that is pure hard drudgery...the physical effort of getting up yourself (even if you worked the night before) and talking to them (even if they're surly) and cooking for them (even if they don't want it) washing their clothes (even if they don't like the clothes) finding their backpacks, getting them to school, talking to their teachers (and when it's convenient to the teacher, not you) going to the programs, running stuff the forget to the school, picking them up, and on and on. I don't think he's ever had that, at least not regularly. It's sort of catch as catch can. They don't suddenly wake up when they're 12 able to run their own lives, and if they are left to do it, they'll make a mess of them. At 13 and older, they're still like little tiny kids, only with a lot more power behind them. When boys are this age is when their moms change from lovely young mothers to hard bitten matrons, and it happens overnight almost, if you're doing things right.
I went through it once so I'm actually sort of looking forward to this challenge. I'm smarter and tougher and a lot wiser than I was the first time around so I reeeaaalllly hope he sticks it out with us. I want to see if we can keep him on track and keep him moving up! I'm particularly interested in seeing what happens with his academics...if he can pull his test scores up. SUPER curious.
At this point, my biggest fear is that he'll hit a bump, want to go home, and while he's there, get into a load of trouble that will prevent him from coming back to continue. I'm buying time for him at this point, trying to keep him really engaged, interested, staving off the inevitable homesickness as long as possible. I really don't want him going back, even for a short visit. I hope his mom will help me and we can keep him away from there for a good long chunk.
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