jokes

[trevorjohnson83]

If I was a handwriting detective, and given a case, first i would stare at the paper for a long time, then after a while circle I and O and say I think he owed someone money. Then try to get paid extra money, since money is the topic.....

 

[trevorjohnson83]

.....he switched the hot bagel to his other hand, but it was too late, his first hand had a tiny red mark, 'if only my first hand could take up some more of the time I have to carry it' but it was too late like I said. Also did I say he was being chased by a dog? Also a lion? and a ghost?

 

[Captain Caveman]

You can prevent any rape, just say yes.

Jimmy Carr

 

[Dr.Destructo]

How do you make a leftist lunatic protester disappear?



Show them a job application.

 

[trevorjohnson83]

I bet if your stranded on an island with a walkman that got wet and doesn't work, and you say 'hello?' into it as some choppers fly by really fast and disappear into the distance, I bet that's a pretty low moment.

 

[trevorjohnson83]

 

[skye]

 

[Dr.Destructo]

I was once a man trapped in a womans body..........

Then I was born.

 

[skye]

 

[skye]

 

[lg325]

 

[trevorjohnson83]

....the criminal replaced the phone with an exact replica, scratches and all, to fool the guy, the victim guy? what do you call that again? anyways the government did it to my phone just to kidnap my original phone and make it feel bad." 'were there any witnesses?" " yes the scruff on the phone seemed off" "that ain't a witness *****!" -new mystery novel

 

[Dr.Destructo]

If a midget comes up to you and says "Gee, your hair smells good"..........




Is that sexual harassment??

 

[Dr.Destructo]

What did the blind man say when he walked passed the fish market?




Good morning ladies.

 

[Dr.Destructo]

 

[Ringo]

They ask a bachelor:
“How long are you going to hang around without a family? Isn't it time to get married?”
“Why would I need that? I have two sisters who take care of me and give me everything I need.”
“But your sisters can't replace a wife, and having sex with them is a sin!”
“Why?! They're not my sisters.”

 

[Ringo]

-My mother taught me to OVERCOME THE IMPOSSIBLE: “Close your mouth and eat your soup.”
-My mother taught me to RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S WORK: “If you're going to kill each other, go outside. I just washed the floors.”
-My mother taught me to BELIEVE IN GOD: “Pray that this mess will wash out.”
-My mother taught me to THINK LOGICALLY: “Because I said so, that's why.”
-My mother taught me to THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES: “If you fall out of the window now, I won't take you to the store with me.”
-My mother taught me PERSEVERANCE: “You won't leave the table until you finish eating.”
-My mother explained CAUSE AND EFFECT to me: “If you don't stop crying right now, I'll spank you.”
-My mother taught me NOT TO BE JEALOUS: “There are millions of children in the world who are not as lucky with their parents as you are.”
-My mother taught me HOW TO GROW UP: “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
-My mother taught me TO LOOK TO THE FUTURE WITH CONFIDENCE: “Just wait, I'll talk to you when we get home.”
-My mother taught me THE BASICS OF SELF-MEDICATION: “If you don't stop rolling your eyes, you'll be cross-eyed for the rest of your life.”
-Mom taught me EXTRASENSORY PERCEPTION: “Put on a sweater, I know you're cold!”
-Mom taught me THE BASICS OF GENETICS: “You get everything from your father!”

 

[gipper]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

 

[Ringo]

When a girl says that the most important thing in a guy is a sense of humor, she means that her handsome and rich man should also be able to tell good jokes.

 

[Ringo]

An old businessman is told about his young wife:
“She's cheating on you with three men!”
To which the experienced old man replied:
“I'd rather have 25% of a good deal than 100% of a bad one!”