jokes

[Ringo]

Judge:
Ma'am, how many cucumbers were in the jar you stole from the store?
15
I sentence you to 15 days in jail.
Son-in-law:
Your Honor, she also stole a jar of corn!

 

[Ringo]

An actor visits a doctor about his throat. The doctor looks into his throat and asks:
“Do you masturbate?”
The surprised actor says: “Well... yes, why?”
“I recommend you stop.”
“Why?”
“You're getting in the way of my examination.”

 

[godincarnate.me]

Who’s patiently waiting for Georgie and Mandy‘s second wedding?

 

[skye]

 

[Ringo]

Two nuclear ballistic missiles are launched from America and the USSR.
They meet. Russian:
“Well, let's have a drink to celebrate our meeting!”
American:
“Let's do it!”
They drank.
Russian:
“You know, we're going to fly on and explode!
We'll kill so many people! Let's have another drink for this sad event.
The American one:
“Let's do it!”
The Russian one:
“But if we explode, we'll die too! Let's drink to our souls!”
The American one:
“O.K..”
They drank.
American:
- Well, I'm off!
Russian:
- How about one more for the road?!
They drank.
American:
- Oh, I feel sick...
Russian:
- Let me walk you home!

 

[Ringo]

My wife and I have a very harmonious relationship. We've been together for 29 years.
I don't require her to cook dinner, do laundry, clean, etc.
And she doesn't require me to bring money into the house.

So here we are, without money, in filth, hungry, but with respect for each other!

 

[Ringo]

One of the slang names for a bottle of vodka in Russia is “bubble.” But on the ISS, a bubble of vodka is not a metaphor.

 

[Ringo]

Our grandmothers had floor-length skirts and five children.

Our mothers had knee-length skirts and two children.

Modern girls have skirts that barely cover their bottoms, and no children at all.

I feel like there's some kind of connection here, but I haven't figured out what it is yet.

 

[LibertyWeeps]

 

[Ringo]

Don't ask what your country can do for you,
just read the criminal code yourself.

 

[Ringo]

Women are so strange. They don't want to date men who live with their mothers, but they want to date men who live with their wives and children.

 

[Ringo]

A guy and a girl are kissing on the sofa.
He:
“Do you want me to put on some music for sex?”
She:
“Lie down, dear, I'll do it myself.”
She gets up and puts on Mendelssohn's wedding march.

If she says,
“We need to talk,” respond with: “Yes, we do!”
Both of you should be nervous.

 

[Ringo]

-Who should the child resemble?
-Well, the father, of course...
-Stupid woman! The child should resemble the husband!

 

[Ringo]

The phrase “You are the last person I would want to hurt” brings two thoughts to mind:
1. This person has such a list.
2. I am on that list.

If you slap a girl you like on the butt, then:
-In 50% of cases, she will yell at you.
-In 30% of cases, you will get punched in the face.
-19% of cases, she will pretend that nothing happened.
-And in less than 1% of cases, the girl will become your wife.
The probability is low, but it's not worth the risk!

 

[LibertyWeeps]

What do you call a long line of men waiting to get a haircut????


A barber queue

 

[Ringo]

My family is very poor. Our butler is poor, our gardener lives in poverty, the guy who drives our RR can't make both ends meet, our 2-year old yacht is falling apart from old age, and our 25-room mansion is too small for the four of us...
My other car without roof, my phone with no buttons, I am drinking old cognac, cheese is moldy and my girlfriends are barely dressed.

 

[LibertyWeeps]

My family is very poor. Our butler is poor, our gardener lives in poverty, the guy who drives our RR can't make both ends meet, our 2-year old yacht is falling apart from old age, and our 25-room mansion is too small for the four of us...
My other car without roof, my phone with no buttons, I am drinking old cognac, cheese is moldy and my girlfriends are barely dressed.

Oh how I wish I was THAT poor!!!!

 

[LibertyWeeps]

Todays math problem --


If George is 78 years old, and his girlfriend is 22 years old......
How much money does George have?

 

[Ringo]

-Madam, I invite you to have a box of wine.
-How about a bottle?
-Don't flatter yourself.

Why is it that if a man falls face-first into a salad, he’s immediately labeled an alcoholic, but if a woman does it, she’s just using a moisturizing mask?