jokes

[miketx]

An English chap hired a paleface scout to get him to the reservation where he was going to do a story on the Indian Chief.

Early one sunny morning as they approached the Reservation, the Brit noticed an Indian out in the desert looking up, then down. Up, then down. He instructed his scout to accompany him to the indian.

When they got there, the Indian had his erect pecker out of his pants and was forcing it outward. All the while still looking up, then down.

The curious Brit scratched his head and asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum time".

Later that afternoon, after the meeting with the chief, the weary brit and his scout were returning home on the same trail. Once again they saw the same time telling Indian.

But this time he was in the shade behind a large rock and was furiously wanking his pecker . The Brit rode over on his horse to the Indian and exclaimed, "Good God, man! What are you doing?!

The Indian paused briefly and looked the Brit in the eye and said, "Me windum watch".

 

[miketx]

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula?

 

[miketx]

A little boy kills a butterfly, dad says..."no butter for two weeks...!".

The little boy kills a honeybee, dad says..."no honey for two weeks"...!.

Mom kills a cockroach...the little boy turns to his dad and says...

"are you going to tell her or should I do it".....!

 

[Arlette]

I was out walking and two guys across the street tried to wrestle a handbag off an old lady. I ran right on over to help. We had that purse off her in no time.

 

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[miketx]

Yesterday, I was watching Roger Stone speaking to a group of people and he started with a joke:

Three men, one from Tennessee, one from Florida and one from New York all die. Sadly, they went to Hell. As they were entering, they saw a red telephone. Satan said, "You can make one phone call to anywhere in the world but it's very expensive."

The man from Tennessee said "I'd like to call Nashville." He made his call, talked for a few minutes and when he hung up, Satan said, "That'll be 1 million dollars." The Tennessee man said, "Wow, you weren't kidding, that's a lot!" But he wrote a check for it and went on in.

The man from Florida picked up the phone and called Miami Beach. After a while, he hung up and Satan said, "That's 2 million." The man shook his head but wrote out a check and went on in.

The man from New York said, "I'd like to call New York City." He made his call and talked for over an hour. When he hung up, Satan said "5 bucks." The New Yorker said "5 bucks! Why so cheap?"

Satan replied, "New York's a local call."

 

[miketx]

 

[miketx]

 

[Moonglow]

An English chap hired a paleface scout to get him to the reservation where he was going to do a story on the Indian Chief.

Early one sunny morning as they approached the Reservation, the Brit noticed an Indian out in the desert looking up, then down. Up, then down. He instructed his scout to accompany him to the indian.

When they got there, the Indian had his erect pecker out of his pants and was forcing it outward. All the while still looking up, then down.

The curious Brit scratched his head and asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum time".

Later that afternoon, after the meeting with the chief, the weary brit and his scout were returning home on the same trail. Once again they saw the same time telling Indian.

But this time he was in the shade behind a large rock and was furiously wanking his pecker . The Brit rode over on his horse to the Indian and exclaimed, "Good God, man! What are you doing?!

The Indian paused briefly and looked the Brit in the eye and said, "Me windum watch".

I have never heard an Indian talk like that.