5stringJeff
Senior Member
-=d=- doesn't know any good jokes, but he was too embarassed to say so in public, so he asked me to start a post-your-favorite-joke thread.
So post away!
So post away!
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Joke Thread
- Thread starter 5stringJeff
- Start date
dmp
Senior Member
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
fuzzykitten99
VIP Member
*What's the difference between an indian (feathers not dots) suitcase and an indian purse?
12 cans.
*What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot you racist mutherf-er!
12 cans.
*What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot you racist mutherf-er!
5stringJeff
Senior Member
- Thread starter
- #4
Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
gop_jeff said:Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
Ouch, Jeff!
I mean broken glass can really hurt!
Annie
Diamond Member
- Nov 22, 2003
- 50,848
- 4,828
- 1,790
gop_jeff said:Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
Trinity
VIP Member
- Jun 16, 2004
- 1,286
- 79
- 83
Ernie the Hamster
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.
fuzzykitten99
VIP Member
i've read that hamster one before, but its still funny every time
no1tovote4
Gold Member
fuzzykitten99 said:i've read that hamster one before, but its still funny every time
True story time...
We saw a chinchilla at a pet store one time. My wife called me over to check it out and asked, "Why is it chewing on it's leg?"
Well I put on my best "extremely knowledgable" face and came over to attempt to ascertain the cause of the foot in mouth.
It took me a couple seconds to see, I counted four feet not in the mouth and one long extremity reaching from the junction between the back feet and directly to the mouth being held by the feet that I counted.
"Um, honey...... That's not his foot..."
dmp
Senior Member
Three men died just before Christmas and were standing in line to enter Heaven. Saint Peter said to them, "In honour of christmas, to gain entrance you have to present something relating to the Holiday!"
The first guy thinks for a second...then hold up his lighter, ablaze.
"Candles! People light Candles during the Holidays...as decoration!" he proclaimed.
"Very well", said Peter, "enter!"
The second guy is perplexed. Then, it hits him! Reaching in his pocket he pulls forth his car keys and starts to gingle them, like...yup...bells.
"Very creative!" Peter said, allowing the man to enter.
The third and final man thoughs for awhile. He went through his pockets, then his face lit up.
He produced a pair of women's panties.
"What is that suppose to be?" ask Peter.
"They're Carol's..." the man said.
The first guy thinks for a second...then hold up his lighter, ablaze.
"Candles! People light Candles during the Holidays...as decoration!" he proclaimed.
"Very well", said Peter, "enter!"
The second guy is perplexed. Then, it hits him! Reaching in his pocket he pulls forth his car keys and starts to gingle them, like...yup...bells.
"Very creative!" Peter said, allowing the man to enter.
The third and final man thoughs for awhile. He went through his pockets, then his face lit up.
He produced a pair of women's panties.
"What is that suppose to be?" ask Peter.
"They're Carol's..." the man said.
deaddude
Senior Member
- Apr 27, 2004
- 1,403
- 77
- 48
A rabbi and a catholic priest walk into a bar and the priest says hey have you heard the one about us.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, 1 to get the bulb, another to change it and the rest to protest the violation of the socket.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, 1 to get the bulb, another to change it and the rest to protest the violation of the socket.
deaddude
Senior Member
- Apr 27, 2004
- 1,403
- 77
- 48
If you do not like these skip them
you have been warned bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
What is more disgusting than one dead baby
100 dead babies
whats more disgusting than that?
they are all a week old and rotting
whats more disgusting than that?
the one in the middle is alive
whats more disgusting than that?
he has to eat his way out
whats more disgusting than that?
he likes it
What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You cant ass rape the rock.
you have been warned bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
What is more disgusting than one dead baby
100 dead babies
whats more disgusting than that?
they are all a week old and rotting
whats more disgusting than that?
the one in the middle is alive
whats more disgusting than that?
he has to eat his way out
whats more disgusting than that?
he likes it
What is the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You cant ass rape the rock.
JOKER96BRAVO
Senior Member
- Aug 13, 2004
- 4,433
- 290
- 48
I heard something like that in the Army.
Another one was....
How do you make a dead baby float???
Two scoops of ice cream,
Two scoops of dead baby.
Another one was....
How do you make a dead baby float???
Two scoops of ice cream,
Two scoops of dead baby.
CSM
Senior Member
Whats worse than a truckload of dead babies? having to unload them with a pitch fork. What's worse than that? Finding a live one with the pitchfork.
God, I hate myself for posting this!
God, I hate myself for posting this!
no1tovote4
Gold Member
What's grosser than gross?
When a cheerleader does the splits and sticks to the floor...
When a cheerleader does the splits and sticks to the floor...
deaddude
Senior Member
- Apr 27, 2004
- 1,403
- 77
- 48
Whats Red and pink and screaming in the corner?
a baby in a wal-mart bag full of glass shards and salt
Whats green and black and quiet in the corner?
same baby three weeks later
What do personal freedom and goat have in common?
Politicians secretly wish to fuck both.
a baby in a wal-mart bag full of glass shards and salt
Whats green and black and quiet in the corner?
same baby three weeks later
What do personal freedom and goat have in common?
Politicians secretly wish to fuck both.
padisha emperor
Senior Member
Whats Red and pink and screaming in the corner?
a baby in a wal-mart bag full of glass shards and salt
Whats green and black and quiet in the corner?
same baby three weeks later
this one is awful
I've got some like it.
What's pink, small, running in a room, bumping the walls ?
a baby with two forks in his eyes.
What's pink, and doing this noise : SLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRPP ??
a baby in a jet reactor.
and the best :
What's worse than one baby in a bag ?
one baby in two bags.
padisha emperor
Senior Member
This joke is fun for french, hope alos for US. (it depends of the minds, we're not in the same situation)
What the difference between Lady Diana' car the night of her death, and a police car ?
None : in both there is a drunk guy who drives, a guy with a gun near him, and behind, an arab and a whore.
What the difference between Lady Diana' car the night of her death, and a police car ?
None : in both there is a drunk guy who drives, a guy with a gun near him, and behind, an arab and a whore.
JOKER96BRAVO
Senior Member
- Aug 13, 2004
- 4,433
- 290
- 48
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to
his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring
at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and
her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning came around, and the very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but
can you imagine the weekend I had?"
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to
his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring
at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and
her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning came around, and the very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old
man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but
can you imagine the weekend I had?"
deaddude
Senior Member
- Apr 27, 2004
- 1,403
- 77
- 48
A sea captain is having a problem, his men keep masturbating off the side of the boat and scaring away passengers. So while he is on shore leave he asks a guy at the bar what to do about it.
"Well sir what you ought to do is set up a barrel in barracks and tell'em to jack off into there, then next time you dock sell the barrel to the candle maker because semen make the longest lasting candles in the world."
So the capatain sets up the barrel and goes off on his boat. After filling up several barrels he and his men pull onto port again. So he sells the semen to the candle maker and makes himself a pretty penny. And he leaves again.
Few months later he has a few more barrels to sell so he pulls into port and heads for the candle shop. The candle maker is furious when he sees him.
"I aint buyin any morra yer semen"
to which the captain replied "why, did it not make any candles?"
"Oh it made candles alright, but I sold em to the church and now all the nuns are pregnant"
"Well sir what you ought to do is set up a barrel in barracks and tell'em to jack off into there, then next time you dock sell the barrel to the candle maker because semen make the longest lasting candles in the world."
So the capatain sets up the barrel and goes off on his boat. After filling up several barrels he and his men pull onto port again. So he sells the semen to the candle maker and makes himself a pretty penny. And he leaves again.
Few months later he has a few more barrels to sell so he pulls into port and heads for the candle shop. The candle maker is furious when he sees him.
"I aint buyin any morra yer semen"
to which the captain replied "why, did it not make any candles?"
"Oh it made candles alright, but I sold em to the church and now all the nuns are pregnant"
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