manu1959
Left Coast Isolationist
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week,
sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it is not uncommon to see
dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he
left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got
through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly
concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the
Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons,
drive them across the border and leave them to fend
for themselves. "A lot of these people are not
prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned
to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage
and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country
need?" In an effort to ease tensio ns between the
United States and Canada, Vice-President Dick Cheney
met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have
some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."
border into Canada has intensified in the past week,
sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll
soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill
O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it is not uncommon to see
dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he
left. I didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got
through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly
concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the
Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons,
drive them across the border and leave them to fend
for themselves. "A lot of these people are not
prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa
Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR races.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned
to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage
and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country
need?" In an effort to ease tensio ns between the
United States and Canada, Vice-President Dick Cheney
met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have
some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."
