If Only the SOTU Had Been This

[Annie]

http://www.blackfive.net/main/2006/01/blackfives_stat.html

Blackfive's State of the Union

Here's a brief sample of what I want to hear tonight (sort of tongue-n-cheek):

1. Saudi Arabia and China are overtly trying to own us through our deficit - we are going to pay off their debts early and begin owning them. If not, they will control our monetary supply and our ability to control our own trade in a few decades. Outside of terrorism, they are our biggest threat.

2. We are going to increase spending to rebuild Iraq. Contrary to reports stating the opposite, we are going to ensure Iraq is a success. We are going to decrease spending in legislative pork barrel projects. If you don't like it, don't vote for me in 2008.

3. We are going to increase spending and expand operations in the Veterans Administration and the DoD:

* We are going to significantly increase spending on the VA hospitals and administration of benefits. We have more disabled veterans and more veterans seeking benefits than we have had in decades. We will add funds to develop better prosthetics, burn treatments, and clinics to help our wounded veterans recover. The VA sucks, let's fix it (new campaign slogan). We will create an Ombudsman for the VA and military hospitals to represent patient needs.
* We are going to create a new Presidential Ombudsman for the military. His name is Brigadier General Uncle Jimbo and he will investigate issues and allegations for our military community. When I want to know if the Corporals have the equipment they need to do the job, I won't ask just Rummy who will just ask General So-and-So who will probably ask some Colonel to look at his Cold War era TO&E and respond. Instead, I'll ask Rummy AND BG Uncle Jimbo - BG UJ will talk to the Corporals and we'll finally figure out this crap. Uncle Jimbo, call me, we'll have a burrito later.
* We are going to empower unit commanders at all levels to purchase equipment that they need BEFORE deployment.
* We are going to increase military pay above the cost of living adjustment.
* And, during long deployments and training exercises, we are going to start paying military spouses salaries commensurate with their deployed soldiers (and in some cases, one or two ranks above - Laura had me add that). Had to survive an 18 month deployment with no financial or moral support? You get the same pay as your spouse during the deployment and a new minivan (I tried for a convertible or SUV but Laura says that they're just not practical).

4. We will go into whatever country is housing Bin Laden and we will kill him. We will not allow government lawyers and State Department wusses to get in the way of our mission any more. Then, we will go into whatever country is housing Al Qaeda and we will kill the ones supporting terrorism. Then, all of you nations *cough, Syria* that support terrorism *cough, Iran* overtly or covertly *cough, Saudi Arabia* will not receive any aid or support *cough, Indonesia* from the State Department. Adios, muchachos *cough, Mexico*.

5. The ACLU wants to kill you...really.

6. The UN wants to control America...really.

7. Homeland Security will actually secure the homeland. Start with exponentially increasing effectiveness of Immigration and Borders and Port Security. Develop a National Guard ready brigade concept for disasters. Invest in technology AND people. The TSA needs work, too, I know, I know.

8. Iran - The people of Iran are good people. The government of Iran are a bunch of crazy bastards. CRAY-ZEE! *finger pointed at ear, circling gesture*

We don't want to hurt the Iranian people. That would be bad. Baaad.

But I can't say what we'd do because Uncle Jimbo wants it to be a surprise...heehee.

9. I want to personally thank the people the countries that stood by us in Iraq - during some of the toughest times of our lives - our friends deserve our constant recognition.

Thank you, United Kingdom.

Thank you, Poland.

Thank you, Italy.

Thank you, Australia.

Thank you, Japan.

Thank you, El Salvador.

Thank you, Netherlands.

Thank you, Ukraine...*continues on through the list*

10. Add your own State of the Union issue(s) in the Comments:

Posted by Blackfive | January 31, 2006