Harvard Heist


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Sep 22, 2013
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Here's one more heist-parody, using the campus of Harvard University as a setting for this tale of 'American' DNA. Thanks for reading (and enjoy!),


Harvard University is the world's finest academic institution. Founded in 1636, it's one of the first Ivy League schools and continues to stand out in America as the top school for higher-learning. Harvard is the location of our story of an unusual bank robbery. Follow along in this tale about capitalism, immigration, heartbreak, wisdom, and of course, daydreams.


HARVARD DEAN: We're committed to the environmental enrichment of our students, and our campus amenities speak to it.


My name's Isaac. I'm the leader of this bank robbing team at Harvard called the Ex-Presidents. We'll be wearing masks of former US presidents (e.g., Reagan, Nixon, Carter) for the theft of some diamonds held in safe-box #445 in the vault of the awesome Cambridge Savings Bank on the Harvard campus. I consider myself the brainchild of this bank robbery.


The other members in my team are equally committed to the symbolic quality of this bank robbery. We're all committed in some fashion or another to the symbolism behind this university campus bank robbery. After all, we're all under the great depression of the Coronavirus quarantine and desperately need some kind of bank robbery folklore, and the young men I've recruited care about capitalism and federalism revolution or general rebelliousness as much as I do, really. We're all nerds. We're all Ex-Presidents.


The vault of the Cambridge Savings Bank holds nothing, just some students savings accounts sponsored by the parents hoping their offspring will become tomorrow's political and social icons. However, hidden in the basement of the bank is a tunnel established by the CIA that leads to a mysterious gold room containing some of the gold that's transported to and from Fort Knox. That's what we, the Ex-Presidents are seeking during his Harvard Heist.


We walk into the bank in our Ex-Presidents masks. The bank manager is informed that the bank is being robbed, but I inform him we're not just foolish cowboy, Cobra, or ISIS terrorists. We seek to be escorted to the underground basement tunnel built by the CIA. The manager claims he's ignorant of such a tunnel, until I show him a water-gun filled with corrosive HCL acid and tell him I'm from a rogue CIA group seeking to create an inter-CIA communique and don't wish to be molested by the manager's ignorance.


BANK MANAGER: All we know is these 'Ex-Presidents' claimed they're doing some inter-intelligence agency revolution work.


ISAAC: Now, I'm not an enemy of American intelligence, but this claim of inter-agency revolution gains us basement access!


Only an arrogant young man would seek to rob a university of its lucrative assets. Immigrants flood to America dreaming of going to Harvard. They don't wish to discover there's bank robberies on university campuses in the wake of 9/11! They want to hear about normal federalism patriotism contributing to the American Dream, especially during this horrifying Coronavirus quarantine tribulation, which has touched all American university students and administrators, really.


ISAAC: I don't want the students at Harvard to enjoy New England Clam Chowder with the religious doubt that they're endangered.


After our heist of about $10 million worth of gold bars from the CIA tunnel in the basement of the Cambridge Savings Bank, we're turned into campus celebrities by the media and even in Coronavirus classrooms instructing through media about the value of networking frailties and intelligence problems in this new age of great communications intrigue (e.g., WikiLeaks).


HARVARD POLICE: We're gonna catch these damned Ex-Presidents, and we won't let the kids go depressed.


CAMBRIDGE SAVINGS BANK PRESIDENT: I'm certain the Ex-Presidents are nothing more than terrorists!


Don't try this yourself, my fellow Americans. To rob such gold and achieve such a heist, you have to be something of a storm-shadow or a snake-eyed missionary. You have to care about American intelligence. You have to believe in Harvard. Now that Trump's gone, who's going to take up the reins of American dirt? Will it be terrorists? What do you think? Happy travels to all!


"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)

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