Do you praise your children too much?

[manifold]

Interesting read...

Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson spent a lot of their days saying things such as “good job”, “great work!” and “how clever!” to children, almost until they were hoarse. Ashley had founded a centre that coached deprived children in Los Angeles, and felt that even if praise might not make up for their damaged lives, she was damn well going to try. Po, well, he was a middle-class author and father-of-two living in San Francisco, and praise is what middle-class parents now do to their children. Their praise, they thought, came from a mix of instinct and researched good practice. They were wrong on both counts.

“When I found out what praise actually did, I was quite horrified,” says Ashley.

“I’d been working with underprivileged kids, telling them, ‘you’re wonderful’. And when I read the effects of that, I was stunned. I was angry. I felt, why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?”

And Po, when he got the news, he put his family into “praise cold turkey”.

“I realised I was going to change the way I spoke to my children overnight.”

Surveys of parents show that nearly all now believe it’s important to tell their children they are bright and talented, to boost their confidence and therefore achievement. It’s a theory of self-fulfilling prophecy, born of the self-esteem movement of the 1970s.

But then Ashley and Po stumbled across the work of Carol Dweck, a Stanford professor. She has proved, in a growing body of work dating back 15 years, that telling a child they are bright causes the opposite result. It didn’t prevent underperforming — it could actually cause it.

Do you praise your children too much? - Times Online

 

[Luissa]

I like my son to doubt himself.

 

[chanel]

Tell me about it. I'm a teacher schooled during the "self esteem" movement. No wrong answers! Spelling doesn't matter! Everyone's a winner!

Yep. Guilty as charged.

 

[Big Black Dog]

My Daddy used to tell me that he called me "sun" because I was so bright!

 

[Luissa]

Tell me about it. I'm a teacher schooled during the "self esteem" movement. No wrong answers! Spelling doesn't matter! Everyone's a winner!

Yep. Guilty as charged.

I think they started that crap after I was out of grade school for sure, and most of my high school teachers were never that way. My sixth grade teacher used to throw erasers at us if we were not listening. He was probably the best teacher I had. I have noticed that certain corporations have followed this programs, I worked at one place where they gave us awards for everything.

 

[Luissa]

My Daddy used to tell me that he called me "sun" because I was so bright!

I thought my first name was Dammit for a long time.

 

[Ravi]

Interesting read...

Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson spent a lot of their days saying things such as “good job”, “great work!” and “how clever!” to children, almost until they were hoarse. Ashley had founded a centre that coached deprived children in Los Angeles, and felt that even if praise might not make up for their damaged lives, she was damn well going to try. Po, well, he was a middle-class author and father-of-two living in San Francisco, and praise is what middle-class parents now do to their children. Their praise, they thought, came from a mix of instinct and researched good practice. They were wrong on both counts.

“When I found out what praise actually did, I was quite horrified,” says Ashley.

“I’d been working with underprivileged kids, telling them, ‘you’re wonderful’. And when I read the effects of that, I was stunned. I was angry. I felt, why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?”

And Po, when he got the news, he put his family into “praise cold turkey”.

“I realised I was going to change the way I spoke to my children overnight.”

Surveys of parents show that nearly all now believe it’s important to tell their children they are bright and talented, to boost their confidence and therefore achievement. It’s a theory of self-fulfilling prophecy, born of the self-esteem movement of the 1970s.

But then Ashley and Po stumbled across the work of Carol Dweck, a Stanford professor. She has proved, in a growing body of work dating back 15 years, that telling a child they are bright causes the opposite result. It didn’t prevent underperforming — it could actually cause it.

Do you praise your children too much? - Times Online

You're wonderful!

Take that!

 

[xotoxi]

I think it is important to let our kids know how much they fuckin' suck...at least once in a while.

 

[Ravi]

I posted something about Dweck's work last year.

From the article:

Instead, in order for praise to work, it has to be limited, sincere, and about effort rather than achievement

Praise the effort don't give them the snow job that they are God's second coming.

 

[xotoxi]

The other day I said to my son:

ME: "Hey! You!"

HIM: "Me?"

ME: "Yeah, you shit-for-brains! Make me a fuckin' sammich!"

HIM: "I don't know how to."

ME: "You're fuckin' useless!"

Seeing that he is 4.5, do you think I was too hard on him?

 

[eagleseven]

Hmm...

My mother still considers me "an irresponsible slob" and my father is more than happy to remind me what "a useless know-it-all asshole" I am. Nevermind the fact that they're now asking me for investment and medical advice!

But they love me...and when they (rarely) do praise me, I know they mean it.

 

[eagleseven]

I think they started that crap after I was out of grade school for sure, and most of my high school teachers were never that way. My sixth grade teacher used to throw erasers at us if we were not listening. He was probably the best teacher I had. I have noticed that certain corporations have followed this programs, I worked at one place where they gave us awards for everything.

I went to a Catholic school where I remember being beaten/humiliated/yelled at when under-performing. One teacher, one of my favorites, had the voice of a drill instructor, and used it.

I think the "self-esteem" movement was just starting then, but my teachers sure didn't buy into it!

 

[manifold]

"Oh, I didn't know they make 9th place ribbons" - Meet the Parents.

 

[Luissa]

I think they started that crap after I was out of grade school for sure, and most of my high school teachers were never that way. My sixth grade teacher used to throw erasers at us if we were not listening. He was probably the best teacher I had. I have noticed that certain corporations have followed this programs, I worked at one place where they gave us awards for everything.

I went to a Catholic school where I remember being beaten/humiliated/yelled at when under-performing. One teacher, one of my favorites, had the voice of a drill instructor, and used it.

I think the "self-esteem" movement was just starting then, but my teachers sure didn't buy into it!

I think they had it in place when I went, I think some teachers just worked around it. I remember having person of the day type crap, but my teacher was pure evil. She was very good at humilating you also.
In grade school we had a librarian who I still think today is the devil.

 

[Zoom-boing]

When my oldest came home from first grade one day she was eating candy. I asked her where she got it and she said from the teacher. For what? For everyone doing their homework. ?? You get candy for doing what your suppose to do? I never quite got that. Stickers and candies for handing in assignments on time, doing well on a test, doing what is expected. If praise and candy and stickers are handed out for the norm. . . what's left for the exception, what's left for the extraordinary?

 

[California Girl]

Hmm...

My mother still considers me "an irresponsible slob" and my father is more than happy to remind me what "a useless know-it-all asshole" I am. Nevermind the fact that they're now asking me for investment and medical advice!

But they love me...and when they (rarely) do praise me, I know they mean it.

Your parents are right.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

I make it clear I like certain behaviors, hate others. You will get praise what is good, billingsgate for what is bad.

I do think my kids are in for a rough time when they get older. I am too easy. But I also think they will earn lots of praise anyway

 

[chanel]

The most incredible and disgusting thing I've witnessed the past few years are the excuses for bad behavior. "He made a terrible mistake" "She is making bad choices" etc. Assaulting a teacher is not a mistake. Mugging an old man is not a "bad choice". It makes my blood boil. Crimes are crimes - period.

 

[midcan5]

My wife a middle school teacher for well over twenty years, says the youth today are dumber than ever and yet completely satisfied with the little knowledge they possess. I wonder why this is so hard for some to understand, intelligence in America is looked down on. Consider only the criticism of Kerry or Gore or even Obama, and then look at the support and praise for the three stooges: Beck, Bush Jr, and Palin? You could add Limbaugh and Hannity and others to that dummy list. Parents today think little Joanie is going to win the US Open so books don't really matter. Plus everyone knows a rich dummy, and that serves as proof education ain't really necessary. Having raised perfect children, I think example, freedom and clear values are key. But being perfect, it is hard for me to convey 'how to,' this is all I know.

From 'Notebook, A Quibble,' By Mark Slouka

"I was raised to be ashamed of my ignorance, and to try to do something about it if at all possible. I carry that burden to this day, and have successfully passed it on to my children. I don’t believe I have the right to an opinion about something I know nothing about—constitutional law, for example, or sailing—a notion that puts me sadly out of step with a growing majority of my countrymen, many of whom may be unable to tell you anything at all about Islam, say, or socialism, or climate change, except that they hate it, are against it, don’t believe in it. Worse still (or more amusing, depending on the day) are those who can tell you, and then offer up a stew of New Age blather, right-wing rant, and bloggers’ speculation that’s so divorced from actual, demonstrable fact, that’s so not true, as the kids would say, that the mind goes numb with wonder. “Way I see it is,” a man in the Tulsa Motel 6 swimming pool told me last summer, “if English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for us.”

Quite possibly, this belief in our own opinion, regardless of the facts, may be what separates us from the nations of the world, what makes us unique in God’s eyes. The average German or Czech, though possibly no less ignorant than his American counterpart, will probably consider the possibility that someone who has spent his life studying something may have an opinion worth considering. Not the American. Although perfectly willing to recognize expertise in basketball, for example, or refrigerator repair, when it comes to the realm of ideas, all folks (and their opinions) are suddenly equal. Thus evolution is a damned lie, global warming a liberal hoax, and Republicans care about people like you."

Article appeared in Notesbook. Harper's Magazine

 

[masquerade]

I do believe a parent / guardian can over-praise a child. But ....
I also believe that we are programmed ( by our parents and then society ) with our beliefs at a very young age. What was taught to us, what was said to us as young children, we believed and most likely still holds true today. With that said, I do believe that children need plenty of praise when warranted. Of course, they need to be scolded as well, when they make a mistake, but also assure them that through their mistakes, they learn.

Praise does boost self-esteem and all of us need and want that, regardless of age. What parents need to do is to help their child think positive about themselves. To help them learn to love themselves. Of course, this can not be taught if the parent does not love themself to begin with.