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Dear Federal Reserve Bureaucrat,


Mar 13, 2010
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Dear Federal Reserve Bureaucrat,
If you’re reading this you were probably recently hired as part of the Federal Reserve’s new social media monitoring program. Chances are you’re a recent high school drop out, or part of some make-work federal job placement program. You probably don’t completely understand who it is that you’re working for, and what it is that you’re doing. So, I can’t really hold it against you. I’d like to welcome you to our little corner of the Internet, and offer you some sincere advice.

You’re a bureaucrat now, so it’s important that you learn ways to avoid doing work. Otherwise you’re going to raise the bar for all your new bureaucrat friends, and they won’t like you anymore. I mean let’s face it, you’ve got a pretty sweet gig. Wouldn’t want to mess that up. So, let’s take a look at this recent “request for proposal” your bosses sent out for the creation of a “social listening platform” and see if we can’t find some corners you can cut.

You’re looking for a social media monitoring company to design a program for you that can, “gather data from various social media outlets and news sources” to “guide the organization’s public relations group.” I was wondering if you’d ever heard of a website called, “Google.” It’s pretty useful for that, and it’s got a lot of interesting tools that might make your job a lot easier, if not completely obsolete. Stop me if I’m going too fast. I know how you bureaucrats are easily confused, and some of this may seem a little newfangled.

You’ve asked that the program “be able to gather data from the primary social media platforms – Facebook, Twitter, Blogs, Forums and YouTube.” and that it should also be able to, “aggregate data from various media outlets such as: CNN, WSJ, Factiva etc.” Boy are you going to be excited! If you go over to Google there’s this thing called a “Search Engine.” It does all of that! There’s even a navigation bar at the top that lets you limit your searches to news, or video, or blogs. You can even search in the shopping section and see who’s selling anti-Fed merchandise. Just don’t bother with the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. It’s totally useless.

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Mr. Forgot-it-All
Jun 5, 2008
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Dear Federal Reserve Bureaucrat,

I can be bought.

No reasonable offer refused.

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