Went to the pub lunchtime. Usual crowd was in except for two strangers. Turns out theyre tourists. A Frenchman and an Italian. Anyway, theyre next to me at the bar and I couldnt help but overhear their conversation. Theyre discussing their sexual prowess with their women last night. Tossers! Anyway, the Frenchman is bragging how he made love to his bird four times last night and how this morning she made him delicious crepes and told him how much she adored him. This starts the Italian off, who proceeds to boast how he made love to his woman six times and how she made him a wonderful omelette this morning and told him she could never love another man. What a pair of arseholes! Next thing, the Frog turns to me and with Gallic smugness asked me how many times I made love to my woman last night. Just the once, I told him.
Only once, laughed the Italian. And what did she say to you this morning?
Dont stop. I told him.
Anyway, Dave hasnt arrived yet so I used the opportunity to read the newspaper. Came across an interesting article about a research study on womens opinions of their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting.
25% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. Just shows how love will generally prevail.
Couple of ads in the paper made me laugh. One was for Nike. Theyre bringing out trainers for lesbians. They're calling them 'Nikes for Dykes!' You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
The other one was a small ad in the used items for sale section. It said: set of six G-Strings for sale - kept in good nick! The mind boggles!
One of the regulars had an unfortunate experience. Slipped on a freshly laid dog turd outside the pub entrance. He asked the barman for a cloth and as he was cleaning his shoe, big Mick was coming in and slipped on the same turd. The first bloke yelled out, I just did that! upon which big Mick called him a dirty bastard and whacked him full on the nose. They should change his name to thick Mick!
My mate Dave eventually arrived with this bloke Danny. More bleeding money than sense has Danny. Silly sod had three girlfriends and couldnt decide on which one to marry. You know what he did to resolve his problem? He gave each of them £5,000 to see what they would do with it. The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, a pedicure and a Brazilian. She told him she spent the money so that she could look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.
The second one bought a plasma TV, a CD player and a set of golf clubs and gave them to Danny. She told him she used the money to buy these gifts because she loved him so much.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and doubled her investment in no time at all. She returned the original £5,000 to Danny and reinvested the profit, telling him that she was investing in their future because she loved him so much.
So after due consideration on how each woman had used the money, who do you think he decided to marry? Dont bother. Youd be wrong. After all that, he married the one with the biggest tits!
Daves in trouble with his wife AGAIN! Jeez she must have given him a right going over. He had a black eye, a split lip and six stitches in a head wound. All as a result of a round of golf with his wife. Apparently his wife sliced her ball into a field full of cattle. As they were looking for her ball, Dave noticed something white sticking out of the rear end of one of the cows. He went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with his wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, he yelled to wife, "Hey this looks like yours! " He says he doesnt remember much after that.."
I do like Sunday at the pub. Always something going on.
Oh, nearly forgot. As we left the pub there were two guys approaching each other on the pavement. Both were dragging their right foot as they walked. As they meet one looks at the other knowingly and says, Iraq, 2003. The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, Dog shit, 20 feet back.
Only once, laughed the Italian. And what did she say to you this morning?
Dont stop. I told him.
Anyway, Dave hasnt arrived yet so I used the opportunity to read the newspaper. Came across an interesting article about a research study on womens opinions of their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting.
25% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. Just shows how love will generally prevail.
Couple of ads in the paper made me laugh. One was for Nike. Theyre bringing out trainers for lesbians. They're calling them 'Nikes for Dykes!' You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
The other one was a small ad in the used items for sale section. It said: set of six G-Strings for sale - kept in good nick! The mind boggles!
One of the regulars had an unfortunate experience. Slipped on a freshly laid dog turd outside the pub entrance. He asked the barman for a cloth and as he was cleaning his shoe, big Mick was coming in and slipped on the same turd. The first bloke yelled out, I just did that! upon which big Mick called him a dirty bastard and whacked him full on the nose. They should change his name to thick Mick!
My mate Dave eventually arrived with this bloke Danny. More bleeding money than sense has Danny. Silly sod had three girlfriends and couldnt decide on which one to marry. You know what he did to resolve his problem? He gave each of them £5,000 to see what they would do with it. The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, a pedicure and a Brazilian. She told him she spent the money so that she could look beautiful for him because she loved him so much.
The second one bought a plasma TV, a CD player and a set of golf clubs and gave them to Danny. She told him she used the money to buy these gifts because she loved him so much.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and doubled her investment in no time at all. She returned the original £5,000 to Danny and reinvested the profit, telling him that she was investing in their future because she loved him so much.
So after due consideration on how each woman had used the money, who do you think he decided to marry? Dont bother. Youd be wrong. After all that, he married the one with the biggest tits!
Daves in trouble with his wife AGAIN! Jeez she must have given him a right going over. He had a black eye, a split lip and six stitches in a head wound. All as a result of a round of golf with his wife. Apparently his wife sliced her ball into a field full of cattle. As they were looking for her ball, Dave noticed something white sticking out of the rear end of one of the cows. He went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with his wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, he yelled to wife, "Hey this looks like yours! " He says he doesnt remember much after that.."
I do like Sunday at the pub. Always something going on.
Oh, nearly forgot. As we left the pub there were two guys approaching each other on the pavement. Both were dragging their right foot as they walked. As they meet one looks at the other knowingly and says, Iraq, 2003. The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, Dog shit, 20 feet back.
