Was in a coma for 2 years: What the heck happened??

Discussion in 'Politics' started by bobbymcgill, Nov 3, 2008.

  1. bobbymcgill

    bobbymcgill Member

    Aug 23, 2008
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    Due to an unfortunate series of events in Thailand involving my head and a coconut, I have been in a coma for the past two years. I awoke yesterday and my doctor assures me that I will make a complete recovery.

    The problem is this: I am not yet convinced that I am actually awake, that I am actually writing this or that anything is real. If what I read in the papers is true, then I surely must be dreaming, because a black man is on the verge of becoming the next U.S. president.

    My trusty friend Sueno has been kind enough to compile an historical timeline of the presidential race. Yet, as I read it, I am convinced that he is screwing with me.

    Election Recap

    October 2007: Looking over the list of Republican contenders I am startled by the diversity. The press has declared the "front runners" to be Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney, John McCain, Ron Paul and Rudolph Giuliani. This can't be right. Thompson is a twice married actor, Romney is a Mormon, McCain is old enough to date my grandmother, Paul is a libertarian with two first names and Giuliani is a several times married, pro-choice, cross-dresser who supports stem cell research, gay rights and gun control.

    I cast a wary eye towards Sueno.

    For the Democrats there is Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Bill Richardson and Barack Hussein Obama. This line up is surely doomed. A smart woman, a trial lawyer, a Hispanic and a black guy whose name would get him flagged at the Greyhound bus station. It sounds about right for the Democrats.

    January 2008: It is beginning to make a little more sense. Suddenly, Pastor Mike Huckabee's name is being tossed about as the man to beat in the Republican Party. Huckabee is a religious nutcase who once said we need to "amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards" and that gay marriage amounts to a definition of marriage that means, "two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal." Things are looking up for the Democrats.

    This Obama fellow is making headway as the new front runner while the Clinton campaign struggles. However, in a page right out of her husband's book, Winning the Oscar for Political Acting, Hillary's voice wavers with emotion during a TV interview and she takes New Hampshire by 2 points. John McCain also pulls off a turnaround victory after being written off by the pundits for polling in single digits the month before.

    February 2008: Oprah Winfrey and Stevie Wonder endorse Obama. I scan for retorts that the Wonder endorsement of an Obama presidency equates to the blind leading the blind. There are none. Apparently this is going to be a clean race.

    For the Republicans, Romney stops his campaign and endorses McCain. Romney is no doubt still peeved at Huckabee who once said, "Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?" Huckabee has a convincing win in the Kansas primary. Big surprise - this is a state that in the same month removed a female referee from a high school boys basketball game because the Bible says that men shouldn't be in a subordinate role to women.

    March 2008: Hillary takes Ohio and Rhode Island, but Obama wins the Texas Caucuses, thus netting him more delegates in their neck and neck race. McCain wins Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island, giving him the 1,191 delegates needed to secure the GOP nomination. Huckabee concedes, but Ron Paul, with a whopping 16 delegates, hangs in there for a fight.

    April-June 2008: Hillary and Obama go back and forth with victories and losses as the Democratic race remains close. Hillary takes Pennsylvania, Indiana, West Virginia, Kentucky, Puerto Rico and South Dakota. Obama wins in Iowa, North Carolina, Colorado, Guam, Washington, Oregon, Alaska, Wyoming, Maine and Montana. On June 5, Hillary concedes via email at 2 a.m. in the morning.

    Interestingly, McCain, with the nomination in his pocket is still giving up around 25 percent of Republican vote to Huckabee. But, unlike Jesus, I do not see Huckabee rising from the dead to unseat McCain.

    August 2008: Obama announces Delaware Senator Joe Biden as his running mate via text message. And in a surprise move, McCain chooses a virtual unknown: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The Republican electorate is charged by the Palin selection. She must be something special. Obama officially accepts his party's nomination at a lackluster Democratic convention.

    September 2008: McCain accepts the nomination at a convention dominated by his running mate Sarah Palin. America peers closer to get an idea who exactly this woman is. Thus far they know she is not a pit bull.

    The economy takes center stage, as financial institutions take a nose dive. (I request that Sueno retrieve my portfolio. I lose consciousness momentarily).

    Palin blows a few TV interviews, coming off as completely aloof. Ardent supporters stand by her, calling it an elitist media conspiracy. Watching the interviews myself I call it a conspiracy of Palin's brain cells staging a coup in her frontal lobe to deny the most basic functions of reasoning.

    October 2008: Down in the polls McCain/Palin begin a fervent attack on Obama's supposed "friendship" with domestic terrorist, Bill Ayers. Obama, who has for the entire campaign done his best not to come off as another angry black candidate, stays above the fray.

    The top of the tickets hold three debates. My doctor forbids me from watching them for fear I might slip back into an endless sleep. Palin walks on to the stage without any assistance for the one VP debate with Joe Biden and the media claims that as a success.

    In an off the cuff run-in with "Joe the Plumber," Obama says that he wants to spread the nation's wealth around. The Republicans seize on this statement and launch an attack on Obama as a socialist. American students who probably have never heard of Karl Marx are treated to a reminder by the Republicans, who have renamed his famous book, "Das Road to the Capitol."

    On Oct. 20, al-Qaida endorses John McCain, knowing that his love of military intervention will only embolden the Islamicist resistance. Colin Powel endorses Obama. Republicans attack Palin for choosing McCain. Or is it the other way around?

    Buoyed by incredible financial resources, Obama spends millions of dollars to air a 30-minute infomercial. The tagline for the show is, "But enough about me, let's talk about me." More people watch it than watch the World Series final.

    With a few days to go, polls show Obama leading McCain 50.4 percent to 43.6 percent. Perhaps the other 6 percent have been in a coma as well and have not yet decided. Who knows?

    I put the paper down and look over to Sueno. After some arm twisting, and a promise to let him use my iPod, he agrees to cut the life support system until I slip back into a coma. See you in four years.

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