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I can't say I give it much thought, what's the point? I do some dangerous things, namely ride motorcycles so mortality is always staring your right in the face, especially when the drones behind the wheels these days. I could sit safely in my chair at home but that's not a life.
You can increase or decrease your odds, there are no guarantees in life. You can hit a deer in your car and die. A drunk can hit you. Someone with a heart attack. I've known healthy people come down with pancreatic cancer and poof, they are gone.
As far as a afterlife, I believe there is more than this world but won't know or not know when the time comes.
I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.
Know what I did today? Went to the market, hit two thrift stores, came home...and discovered that my blouse was inside out. LOLI only have a few years left where I can look decent enough where that might actually interest someone....
I am not cut out to be old and ugly.
Well that's life. The flower fades. I never was nice looking, but I'm for sure worse now than I was in my teens.
Although if you got the money, Cher still looks nice. Not sure it's worth it though. So much plastic in that girl, they should call her Charbie.
I look awful. I did not grow old gracefully. But, with age, comes with the emotion of...."who the fuck cares cuz I sure don't" mentality. I woulda died of embarrassment if I had done that 5 years ago. Now? Meh.
Be old, Bonzi. Nobody cares. Well, except you and it shouldn't.
Nope. Not for me.
Of course, until I have the courage to make that decision for myself, I'm at the mercy of time and fate.
I'm a shallow and selfish person. (God, I sound like paulie, gross)
I had a dream (now I sound like MLK), I realize it won't happen, not because it CAN'T but because I'm not willing to make the sacrifices (or wasn't) to make it happen.
Basically, I have quit. I am a dead person walking.
my fears arent so much for myself....i worry about grumpy....my son will be good....he will move on pretty quickly and i have told him not to begrudge grumpy that year waiting period and all....let that go....grumpy needs to be married...it suits him better than not being married
Know what I did today? Went to the market, hit two thrift stores, came home...and discovered that my blouse was inside out. LOLI only have a few years left where I can look decent enough where that might actually interest someone....
I am not cut out to be old and ugly.
Well that's life. The flower fades. I never was nice looking, but I'm for sure worse now than I was in my teens.
Although if you got the money, Cher still looks nice. Not sure it's worth it though. So much plastic in that girl, they should call her Charbie.
I look awful. I did not grow old gracefully. But, with age, comes with the emotion of...."who the fuck cares cuz I sure don't" mentality. I woulda died of embarrassment if I had done that 5 years ago. Now? Meh.
Be old, Bonzi. Nobody cares. Well, except you and it shouldn't.
Nope. Not for me.
Of course, until I have the courage to make that decision for myself, I'm at the mercy of time and fate.
I'm a shallow and selfish person. (God, I sound like paulie, gross)
I had a dream (now I sound like MLK), I realize it won't happen, not because it CAN'T but because I'm not willing to make the sacrifices (or wasn't) to make it happen.
Basically, I have quit. I am a dead person walking.
I don't like hearing that from anyone. Good lord you raised two kids who are happy and productive and have good hearts? That is more than enough on any scorecard.
If you want to do something do it by very tiny steps. Whenever I am faced with what appears to be Mt Everest that I have to climb I consider the great pyramids in Egypt. 2,000,000 blocks, the smallest weighing 2 tons. One block at a time.No matter what you want to do it won't take more than one day because you only live one day at a time. The next day you start again.
Everyone considers and does not want to face death, it is normal and healthy. I was looking at images of headstones a few days ago online, funny ones that people left behind. I'd like mine to be made of granite with two hands underneath trying to lift the stone up and a caption that says "wow, this thing is heavy".
I also have times of sadness and melancholy, which I also think are healthy. It is like your mind comforting itself and at times like that it is great to listen to sad songs or watch sad movies.
But as I've grown older I appreciate everything. Children laughing, a dog that is overjoyed to see you, coming over the rise in the highway on the way to Monterey and seeing the far expanse of the Pacific with Mozart playing or Ozzie blasting, driving through the giant sequoias in the Sierra Nevadas, helping someone down on their luck or homeless with a little money or food, the sighs and come-hither looks of women, seeing a little girl or 33 miners rescued from some hopeless dark pit.
I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.
what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?
it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:
(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol
That's pretty much it.
I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.
what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?
it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:
(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol
That's pretty much it.
When both of my kids were in high school I had numerous conversations with them NOT to work for any commercial enterprise. Find a career in medical, education etc. Stay out of the business world.
For 8 years I ran a company, I made $millions in profits, not revenue, profits...for someone else. I put everything of myself into the job. And accomplished a LOT in my tenure...for someone else. And after 8 years of growth and margins well above industry average - they sold the business to an even larger corporation that merged the operation. Fuck me.
Of course I was offered a position, and I had offers all over the county. But I made a decision that I will never do this again. I do not want to spend 15 more years of 10-12 hour days. the stress and burden of running a business.
So now I operate a much smaller business, make a third of what I use to - but that is okay, I am set. More importantly I work a third as hard also.
I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.
what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?
it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:
(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol
That's pretty much it.
When both of my kids were in high school I had numerous conversations with them NOT to work for any commercial enterprise. Find a career in medical, education etc. Stay out of the business world.
For 8 years I ran a company, I made $millions in profits, not revenue, profits...for someone else. I put everything of myself into the job. And accomplished a LOT in my tenure...for someone else. And after 8 years of growth and margins well above industry average - they sold the business to an even larger corporation that merged the operation. Fuck me.
Of course I was offered a position, and I had offers all over the county. But I made a decision that I will never do this again. I do not want to spend 15 more years of 10-12 hour days. the stress and burden of running a business.
So now I operate a much smaller business, make a third of what I use to - but that is okay, I am set. More importantly I work a third as hard also.
Both my kids work for the Government (not contractors; THE government). They can retire at 50 (and maybe earlier...)
Of course you love your kids, and you did a good job it sounds like.my death worries me that way. How it will effect others. As selfish as I am, I actually do, deep down, love my kids.
Ok. This needs clarification, but I won't talk about it in detail. My childhood sucked. My mother was extremely abusive and not just verbally. My father was a great guy, but he didn't stop the abuse even though he knew it was happening. I bailed at 17 years old. He gave me the money to run off. And I did.
From then on, life has pretty much sucked. But I lived it. I worked, had a roof over my head on my own efforts, eventually married, had 2 kids, sucked at being a good mom. I just didn't have the ability or knowledge how to be one since I was raised as a "burden". Shit happened. Bad shit. But I carried on and did the best I could. I am soon to be 64. I began falling apart at 58. I beat breast cancer. I am still here. But I am tired. I am ready to go. I do not fear it. It's just another adventure for me...death is. Maybe wherever I land afterwards will be better than what I have lived on this earth and MAYBE, I hope, some of the things I did do that were right, were good things for other people. That's it. That's all. Done.
