New Military Oaths of Enlistment:

Discussion in 'Humor' started by _dmp_, Apr 26, 2004.

  1. _dmp_
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    _dmp_ Member

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    US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

    "I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
    UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the
    Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of
    water over waist-deep. Either that...or I was just too smart to make the

    wrong choice. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any

    form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a

    valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by

    their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

    I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will,
    at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
    completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
    Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger.
    I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to
    clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will
    annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me
    God!"

    ____________________
    Signature
    ____________________
    Date



    US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

    "I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
    UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB
    to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
    the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage
    every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure
    out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours
    a day even when I have a date.


    I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
    because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
    only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I
    acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
    service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on
    my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic
    Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month
    and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip
    home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose
    to my 9th grade sweetheart . I will make my wife stay home because if
    I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy.
    Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
    While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
    absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at
    1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report
    back to "COMPANY."


    I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will
    help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working
    construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to
    everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be
    unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me
    God!"

    _____________________
    Signature
    _____________________
    Date



    US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

    "I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of

    my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with

    Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air

    Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like

    the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" If I am a

    woman..I solemnly swear to possess an ass that is ten times bigger than the

    average woman and no amounts of PT will prevent it from tearring at the seams

    in all in my Navy pants! I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in

    1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.

    I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,

    and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different

    language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck,

    bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle, and head," when I really mean

    "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

    I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia,

    and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other

    services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that

    is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case

    I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the

    point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still

    not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least

    twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to

    submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound

    "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"


    ______________________
    Signature
    ______________________
    Date



    US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

    "I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-
    and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....

    fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....

    blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....small cox disease....

    sailors wives.....air strikes....bar fights.....jail time....

    yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....

    Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH!

    So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

    X____________________
    Thumb Print

    XX _________________________________
    Teeth Marks
    _____________________
    Date
     
  2. DKSuddeth
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    DKSuddeth Senior Member

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    OOOHRRAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. Jmarie
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    Jmarie Member

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    OH MY!!!!!!!That was to funny........:clap: You are making me cry.......:cof: :thup: :teeth:
     
  4. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    Try the Naval Academy on for size. You need awesome test scores, you have to wear the dumb looking sailor suits for six weeks before getting the cooler looking officer uniforms, and the leaders in basic training are all future marines. Oh, and you have to be able to both swim and crawl in the dirt. It's like the worst of all worlds.
     
  5. _dmp_
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    _dmp_ Member

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    yeah - then all the man-love once you finally GET on to a ship...
    wow.

    :)
     
  6. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    Or go to West Point and wear totally different uniforms that went out of date in 1845, but are still worn...
     
  7. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    That's a myth. While it does happen every once in a while, it's a rare and shameful occurance that usually results in a halt to your naval career. The Navy has gotten a bad rap for a few isolated incidents. It is still an excellent service.

    That's probably the worst part. The Naval Academy (and I would know) makes West Point look mild. That's because West Point is on TV and has documentaries made of it. The Naval Academy has a ban on all media personell from basic training. Some of the stuff done there is downright illegal and far past abusive.
     
  8. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    The funniest thing that ever happened to me at Cadet Basic (it seems funny now... didn't back then):

    Our mailboxes were located in the basement of Washington Hall, next to our barracks. To get there, one has to walk outside from our barracks (Bradley) over to a tunnel that goes under Washington Hall. So one night, about 8 PM (2000 hours) I decide to go get my mail.
    Because we wear boots all day long, and not everyone has the best hygenie, we were allowed to wear shower shoes (flip flops) in the barracks with our PT clothes. Having lived in Hawaii for two years where everyone wears flip flops, it was very natural for me to wear that.
    So I decide to check my mail in my PT clothes, with flip flops on. Sure enough, about halfway between the barracks and the mailbox, I get stopped by an upperclassman. He yells at me, finds out that he's in my company, then escorts me up to the company commander (a big, black rugby player - scary as hell for 17-year-old me). The commander tells me I'm stupid and dispatches me to my platoon leader (6'6" - taller than me, which is really weird). He yells in my face telling me how stupid I am, and tells me to go to my room and await discipline. After just enough time to tell my roommates what was going on, he gives me my punishment: do five laps around the floor of my barracks (L-shaped, apporximately 300 yards per lap) announcing, as I walk, "Sir/Ma'am, I am going to check my mail! Would anyone care to have their mail checked?" I got stopped by numerous upperclassmen, got laughed at, chewed up, etc. The worst hour and a half of my life up to that point, but a great story to tell now. :)
     
  9. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    You mean you got to check your mail when you wanted to?! :eek:

    We got to check our mail at one specific time per day when escorted to the mail room by the upperclassmen. At 2000 hours, I was always at an assembly or being PTed within an inch of my life.

    Oh, my worst experience, which is now a testimony to my incredible toughness, was when I ran on a broken leg for the better part of a week. I have never been in so much pain before or since.
     
  10. DKSuddeth
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    DKSuddeth Senior Member

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    and that weak assed shit is all they could come up with? bwwahhahahahah, i'd say you got lucky ;)
     

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