joke

Discussion in 'USMB Lounge' started by del, Mar 1, 2018.

  1. del
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    del BANNED

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    A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

    Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

    He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

    He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
     
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  2. Marion Morrison
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    Wow! :eek:
     
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  3. del
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    two nuns, one older and one just a novice, decided to go for a bicycle ride around boston and back to their convent in the north end.

    they had a wonderful day, stopping in boston common to eat a picnic lunch and watch the swan boats, but time got away from them as it sometimes does.

    the older nun suggested taking a shortcut up and over beacon hill so they wouldn't be late returning to the convent.

    as they were coasting into the convent's driveway, the novice said to the older nun, "i've never come this way before."

    the older nun replied, "it's the cobblestones, sister"
     
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  4. del
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    two irishmen walk past a bar


    hey, it could happen
     
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  5. Hossfly
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    Hossfly ZIONUT Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    Impossible.
     
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  6. del
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    President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
    A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
    Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
    Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”
     
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  7. del
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    a rich man decided that he could take it with him and to that end he summoned his priest, his lawyer and his doctor.

    he gave them each $1M in cash and instructed them that when he died, the money was to go into his casket with him.

    they all thought he was nuts, but it was his money.

    years later, the man died.

    after the funeral, the three of them got together to reminininsce

    the doctor said he felt badly, because he had used some of the money to open a clinic for the poor in the city they lived in, but since the whole idea was crazy, he didn't feel too guilty about it.

    the priest said he felt badly too, because he had used some of the money to house and feed the poor in the city they lived in.he agreed with the doctor that the whole deal was whacked, and that they shouldn't beat themselves up over it.

    the lawyer was outraged!

    "we were given a sacred trust", he said, "i can't believe the two of you have violated it so nonchalantly. we had a responsibility to see that his final wishes were carried out and now i find out that you've frittered away some of his money on your own projects. i'm deeply, deeply disappointed."

    the priest and doctor were really taken aback by this, but couldn't believe the lawyer hadn't spent any of the money.

    the doctor even pressed him on it, asking, "so you spent none of the money he gave you to hold?"

    the lawyer replied, " gentlemen, i'm an officer of the court and my word is sacrosanct- i put in my personal check for the full amount"
     
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  8. Hossfly
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    Hossfly ZIONUT Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. del
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    ^

    awesome. thanks!
     
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  10. Hossfly
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    Hossfly ZIONUT Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    I've posted this before but its worthy of a replay. A keeper.




    [​IMG]
     
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