joke

[del]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

 

[Marion Morrison]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Wow!

 

[del]

two nuns, one older and one just a novice, decided to go for a bicycle ride around boston and back to their convent in the north end.

they had a wonderful day, stopping in boston common to eat a picnic lunch and watch the swan boats, but time got away from them as it sometimes does.

the older nun suggested taking a shortcut up and over beacon hill so they wouldn't be late returning to the convent.

as they were coasting into the convent's driveway, the novice said to the older nun, "i've never come this way before."

the older nun replied, "it's the cobblestones, sister"

 

[del]

two irishmen walk past a bar


hey, it could happen

 

[Hossfly]

two irishmen walk past a bar


hey, it could happen

Impossible.

 

[del]

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”

 

[del]

a rich man decided that he could take it with him and to that end he summoned his priest, his lawyer and his doctor.

he gave them each $1M in cash and instructed them that when he died, the money was to go into his casket with him.

they all thought he was nuts, but it was his money.

years later, the man died.

after the funeral, the three of them got together to reminininsce

the doctor said he felt badly, because he had used some of the money to open a clinic for the poor in the city they lived in, but since the whole idea was crazy, he didn't feel too guilty about it.

the priest said he felt badly too, because he had used some of the money to house and feed the poor in the city they lived in.he agreed with the doctor that the whole deal was whacked, and that they shouldn't beat themselves up over it.

the lawyer was outraged!

"we were given a sacred trust", he said, "i can't believe the two of you have violated it so nonchalantly. we had a responsibility to see that his final wishes were carried out and now i find out that you've frittered away some of his money on your own projects. i'm deeply, deeply disappointed."

the priest and doctor were really taken aback by this, but couldn't believe the lawyer hadn't spent any of the money.

the doctor even pressed him on it, asking, "so you spent none of the money he gave you to hold?"

the lawyer replied, " gentlemen, i'm an officer of the court and my word is sacrosanct- i put in my personal check for the full amount"

 

[Hossfly]

 

[del]

^

awesome. thanks!

 

[Hossfly]

I've posted this before but its worthy of a replay. A keeper.

 

[Hossfly]

 

[del]

jesus is dying on the cross on the mount and he calls out for his friend, peter

peter tries to get to him, but the roman soldiers on guard duty pummel him and he rolls down to the bottom of mt calvary.

once again, jesus cries out, "peter, peter" and once again peter tries to rush up calvary to jesus' side, but once again the soldiers kick peter's ass down to the bottom of the hill.

one more time, christ calls out "peter, peter", and one more time peter tries to reach him, only to be thumped by the romans.

the fourth time it happens, the romans let peter go up the hill because christ is almost dead.

jesus weakly says "peter, peter"

peter cries out, "i'm here, lord, what do you need to tell me?"

"peter", jesus barely whispers, "i can see your house from here."

 

[del]

jesus was out walking when he came across a crowd preparing to stone a prostitute to death.

he stopped them and said, "let whoever is without sin cast the first stone"

the crowd was starting to disperse when suddenly a sharp rock came from the back of the crowd, striking the prostitute in the head and killing her instantly.

the crowd was stunned.

jesus looks to the back of the crowd and says, "you know, mom, sometimes you really piss me off"







i'll be in hell if anybody's looking for me

 

[Hossfly]

Jesus and Moses came down to earth to play a round of golf. They teed off from the first tee and both hit pretty good shots. When they got to their balls, Moses was away and his second shot fell short of the green and into the pond in front of the green. He took a 2 stroke penalty and hit the 4th shot onto the green but about 50 feet from the hole. Jesus hit his 2nd shot which ricocheted off an oak tree.The ball carried to the center of the pond, bouncing off the shell of a swimming turtle, up onto the green and rolled toward the pin and stopped 6 inches from the hole. Moses walked around the pond, and three putted for a score of 7. In the meantime Jesus walked across the pond and sunk the ball for a score of 3. Walking toward the 2nd tee, a man stopped Moses and said, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "Oh, he knows he's Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

 

[frigidweirdo]

Donald Trump is President.

 

[del]

a husband and wife were out golfing when the husband's ball wound up on the wrong side of a pump house, leaving him no shot at the green.
his wife noticed there was a door at each end of the pump house and suggested that by opening them, hubby had a clear shot at the green.

after opening the doors and taking a couple of practice swings, the husband took a might a cut at the ball.
it ricocheted off the doorframe and hit his wife, killing her instantly.

about a year later, the now widowed husband is playing golf with buddies when he winds up in the same situation. one of his friends suggests he open the doors again and give it a try.

the husband completely flipped out "don't you remember?", he yelled at his friend.

his friend was horrified and began to apologize profusely.

the man said, "show a little sensitivity here, willya? i took a 6 the last time i tried that"

 

[Hossfly]

Donald Trump is President.

He thinks he's Tiger Woods too.

 

[del]

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants. The iTit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major break through because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[frigidweirdo]

Donald Trump is President.

He thinks he's Tiger Woods too.

Meaning he likes to fuck women who look like his wife?

 

[Erinwltr]

LMAO! Thank you.