CDZ Emotional Vampires

[saveliberty]

 

[pillars]

So, how do you plan to address your "neighbor." Are you going to write her a letter? Or maybe just start excusing yourself when she tries to engage with you? Or, maybe, you can "ignore" her. Ignoring is always good when trying to block a psychic vampire.

If you could only follow the thread you would know.

I have followed the thread, I was asking--politely--what conclusions you've drawn from the advice you've been given, and your plan of action moving forward.

Read the posts and it will all become clear to you, pills. It's all there in black and white. No Blackburn or London to get confused over either.

So, you are going to write her a letter telling her that you want nothing to do with her? Doesn't that seem a little harsh in light of what she's done? From what I can see from your post, she's a lonely woman who wants friendship and support.

Has she actually been malevolent towards you?

 

[saveliberty]

As an adult, I am going back to the thread on Hillary looking at Christina's boobs. At least someone said Hillary was in the picture.

 

[pillars]

Emotional vampires don't make good friends, but they show up on your caseload when you're a counselor or social worker. Part of my interest in this topic is my adopted son's co-dependency enabling of his addict bio mom.

I don't get to sit back on my laurels. With four adopted kids from an addict moms family I have my work cut out for me modeling boundaries.

We have plenty of parents of kids we work with that want to dump their kids on someone else to raise, but don't want to give up their subsidy or feel like a bad person. Are you familiar with al-anon? Do you have any advice about that?

 

[gallantwarrior]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

 

[gallantwarrior]

Let them ruin somebody else's life. Life is too short. Avoid them, don't call them back, you are busy right now, you have to arrange your sock drawer, etc. etc.

I agree, but sadly, it seems that once you've unwittingly let them in, it's very difficult to get rid of them.

It's not at all difficult to get rid of them, if you actually stop engaging. Stop being polite.

What is the worst that would happen?

Easy enough to say. The emotional blackmail is tremendous. Even when you do disengage, they tend to follow you around. Short of running them over with a car, or maybe beating them to death, it's tough to disengage.

 

[saveliberty]

As an adult, I am going back to the thread on Hillary looking at Christina's boobs. At least someone said Hillary was in the picture.

You do that. Contemplate how some FZ folks manage to break up friendships. It's quite clever.

I am fully aware of what ALL participants in the FZ are doing. What is interesting is even pillars takes responsibility for what she does and offers excellent advice on occasion. Many forms of drama llamas/ emotional vampires there too.

 

[pillars]

Easy enough to say. The emotional blackmail is tremendous. Even when you do disengage, they tend to follow you around. Short of running them over with a car, or maybe beating them to death, it's tough to disengage.

I disengaged from my emotional vampire ex-husband, so I actually know something about this subject. I would advise that you read "Co-Dependent No More." It's a great starting point. "Walking on Eggshells" is also good.

When you are ready to disengage, it will stop being so difficult.

It's not about them. It's about you.

 

[anotherlife]

The worst emotional vampire is the mother who turns her son into a momma boy. But there are fathers of this category too, including those that decide to live through their children. I can't even imagine how a child survives that.

 

[Tilly]

Let them ruin somebody else's life. Life is too short. Avoid them, don't call them back, you are busy right now, you have to arrange your sock drawer, etc. etc.

I agree, but sadly, it seems that once you've unwittingly let them in, it's very difficult to get rid of them.

It's not at all difficult to get rid of them, if you actually stop engaging. Stop being polite.

What is the worst that would happen?

Easy enough to say. The emotional blackmail is tremendous. Even when you do disengage, they tend to follow you around. Short of running them over with a car, or maybe beating them to death, it's tough to disengage.

So true. They aren't classified as personality disorders, yet they are as difficult to deal with.

 

[oldsoul]

Seems to be at least two emotional vampires posting on this very thread. If this offends you, maybe it should.

 

[Tilly]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

 

[pillars]

Above all, let her know in no uncertain terms she is not to contact you for ANY reason. Period.

How is this polite? Your post does not make sense.

 

[gallantwarrior]

Easy enough to say. The emotional blackmail is tremendous. Even when you do disengage, they tend to follow you around. Short of running them over with a car, or maybe beating them to death, it's tough to disengage.

I disengaged from my emotional vampire ex-husband, so I actually know something about this subject. I would advise that you read "Co-Dependent No More." It's a great starting point. "Walking on Eggshells" is also good.

When you are ready to disengage, it will stop being so difficult.

It's not about them. It's about you.

Thanks for the suggestion for reading material. Yes, you are correct, I am the problem, my bad choices and my inability to come up with a satisfactory solution to disengage. That being said, it isn't as easy as one might hope to divest oneself of such a drain when there are financial ties included in the mix.

 

[pillars]

Easy enough to say. The emotional blackmail is tremendous. Even when you do disengage, they tend to follow you around. Short of running them over with a car, or maybe beating them to death, it's tough to disengage.

I disengaged from my emotional vampire ex-husband, so I actually know something about this subject. I would advise that you read "Co-Dependent No More." It's a great starting point. "Walking on Eggshells" is also good.

When you are ready to disengage, it will stop being so difficult.

It's not about them. It's about you.

Thanks for the suggestion for reading material. Yes, you are correct, I am the problem, my bad choices and my inability to come up with a satisfactory solution to disengage. That being said, it isn't as easy as one might hope to divest oneself of such a drain when there are financial ties included in the mix.

I don't mean to sound harsh, it took me 12 years to finally divorce my ex. And when there are financial ties, it is very difficult. But, you will disengage when you are finally ready to do it. Start working on setting boundaries as you can now, the practice will help you longterm.

Just remember that you will be done with all of this when you choose to be done with it. The power is in your hands.

 

[gallantwarrior]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

 

[pillars]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

I understand that he has to keep weight off, but what about crutches?

What do you wish you had done differently, in hindsight?

 

[saveliberty]

Compromise is usually a good thing GW, drive him halfway and walk back.

 

[Tilly]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

Looks like you have quite an experienced One there. At least you don't live together, that seems to be one thing in your favour, doesnt it?

 

[gallantwarrior]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

I understand that he has to keep weight off, but what about crutches?

What do you wish you had done differently, in hindsight?

He's using crutches but driving is bad for him because he only has a standard transmission truck. I hesitate to let him use the auto-transmission Dodge because: 1. he would have to park it on the street in a less-than-decent part of town. 2. I never know when he's been into his pain meds and he swears they have no affect. 3. He tends to fill up a vehicle with all manner of trash and debris, requiring significant clean-up later.
If I could do something differently...I would have not become a friend and later, business partner. We have lots in common, but, in the end, lots more we don't agree upon.
Looking to the future, my daughter and I came up with a plan to subdivide the larger property years ago. We just had to wait for him to "come up with" the same plan on his own. This summer, we are going to have the surveyor in and will file the subdivided parcels. The property in town, I will gladly surrender my interest in that. If I were 25 years younger, I might just up and walk away from the whole shebang, but the larger property is kind of my retirement investment.