Dumb, Dangerous Things Done When One Is Young

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Annie, Nov 5, 2005.

  1. Annie

    Annie Diamond Member

    Nov 22, 2003
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    Here's one that beats anything I did:


    4/03/2005 11:23 pm
    Spanky & the Shark

    Welcome Carnival of Comedy Funny Seekers. All I will say is I haven't even exaggerated how ignorant this was.

    Another Oki character who was with us in Waterborne Infil Training was "Spanky". When we began Zodiac training our six man boat crew included Herbie, Tom Cruise (TC), Spanky, Lowder and an Air Force weasel. We had Zodiacs., just like Greenpeace, and sea kayaks and the chance to swim 10k wearing all your combat gear, WOO HOO!

    One of the first things we had to do is find the actual speed of the boat when loaded with us and all our gear. The whole class did this and for whatever reason our boat was much faster, at least 5-6 mph faster than anyone. This was a source of pride and boastfulness for our crew and we named our boat Miss Budweiser and informed everyone else we would finish all transits first.

    That remained basically true and we progressed to a more advanced training event where we deflated the boats and put a CO2 inflation system in them and rolled them up into bundles. This allowed us to load them on Special Ops Blackhawks from Task Force 160 and fly to some tiny little key and then make a long transit with several intermediate stops back to Key West.

    The Miss Bud crew was pumped and of course we had to be the first back to maintain our dominance of the weaklings and their puny under-powered boats. Before we could get in our speed boat we got a taste of real speed as the Task Force pilots showed us the waters around Key West at 200 mph, ten feet above the water. We were sitting in the doors, legs dangling in the breeze with a completely unnecessary strap across our legs since the centrifugal force of this water level E-ticket ride made it impossible to move anyway. We slalomed our way through tiny, mangrove-covered keys looking at sharks lollygagging in the currents between the islands. There were many more sharks than we would have guessed and unfortunately this got Spanky thinking. The bird dropped us on some tiny speck and we unrolled the boat and hit the inflation system. The boat filled right up and we put the roll out rubber floor in it and loaded our gear. Since we had to roll the boat up we didn't have the usual rigid aluminum floor so the boat was softer on the bottom and a little slower. We put the boat in the shallow water and got ready to walk it deeper before we got in.

    We were wearing UDT shorts, dive boots, BDU shirts, and drive-on rags, cool rays, web gear, rubber M16s, and dive knifes, the standard ensemble for a water guru. As we pushed the boat out we could tell it was less than knee high for several hundred meters. That blew because it delayed our high speed joy ride back to Key West, but as we were whining about the delay Spanky said "Holy crap! Look up there. That's a frickin' dorsal fin. There's a shark right up there!" it only took a look to confirm that there was definitely a dorsal fin about 75 meters dead ahead. To me this meant that the water was definitely deep enough and we should get into the boat. Spanky came to a completely different conclusion. "Think about how frickin' cool it would be if we not only cruised in first but we had a shark tied to the front of the boat like a deer on a pickup?" "Jesus Christ Spanky are you crazy? We are wearing dive boots and shorts and you want to go shark wrestling? No frickin' way" I declared as I climbed in the boat. The rest of them decided to get in too, but that didn't stop the scheming. "Cmon man lets at least try. He can't be that big if he's in water this shallow." Spanky assured. This led to a scientific discussion of overall shark size, compared to dorsal fin size and relative sponginess of the bottom and tips of icebergs vs. the part under the water. The final definitive decision was that the shark couldn't be that big or it wouldn't be this shallow.

    By now Spanky had enlisted TC and they were busy developing the rubber M16 field expedient shark poking device. This was simply a rubber weapon with a dive knife 100 mile an hour taped to the end. At this point we had passed the point where common sense stops you from attacking a shark while riding in a rubber boat. TC started the motor and Mr. Shark still sat there. Spanky, being lead shark hunter called for him to circle around behind the shark so we had him trapped against the shore of the little inlet we were in. At this point I know I was telling them just exactly how stupid this was and if they poke a hole in the boat and I was gonna kick their asses and everything else I could think of, but we were committed. TC circled behind the shark and Spanky got as far out over the bow as he could lean and had Herbie sit on his legs. TC took a medium speed approach and Spanky prepared to spear his prey, as we got about 20 feet away the shark, who must have been thinking "These idiots are actually going to run me over in a rubber boat. I wonder what moron tastes like?" did one of those shark S-turn things they do when they want to move very fast and came up out of the mud he was hunkered down in. He took off at an angle across our bow to the left and it was obvious that the scientific calculations of overall shark length based on dorsal fin exposure were way off, this sucker was at least 8-10 ft. long. Spanky didn't care and signaled so TC obligingly cut the boat left at which time the shark took another left and as TC made to follow the shark broke hard right and we literally "jumped the shark". Fonzie can kiss my ass with that sissy water ski jump over a shark in a tank.

    We drove right over his back in a rubber boat and felt the bump right through the soft floor. The shark was heading for open water now but the Miss Bud crew was far from finished and the shark had at least one hundred shallow meters to cover before he was safe from life on the wall of a team room. TC gunned the engine and we were kicking up all kinds of muck as we chased Jaws. We got close enough that Spanky raised up and chucked his sharksticker, but it flopped harmlessly into the water and the shark gave us one flip of the tail before heading back to the deep water to tell his friends about the boat load of morons he just ran into. We returned to the harbor and since no one else, of course, was back yet we had a little time. We flipped Miss Bud over and sure as shite there was a nice slightly sharkish scratch diagonally across the bottom.

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