CSM
Senior Member
DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE -
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told
that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What,do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you
were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need
a place."
--Billy Crystal
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told
that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic in that? What,do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you
were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need
a place."
--Billy Crystal
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken
