What would you do?

[Johnney]

heres the situation.
i have a 15 year old nephew whose pretty fucked in the head. so far since hes lived with my parents hes gotten caught smoking dope on the way to school (on video tape no less), got caught shoplifting, skipped school like that is no tomarrow, come up hot on a piss test a couple of times (the new directions here, the drug place people go to when they get caught) isnt that concerned. his probation officer, even though ive turned in a bag of weed to them i got from his room, didnt do anything other than put him on a stricter probation (laughable) seems to think he'll grow out of it.

and last night/ this morning, he got it for grand theft auto, curfew, driving without a license, and vandalism (seems there have been about 50 cases of windows being shot out wit a BB gun, which they happened to be caught with for some reason).

now, my parents are retired. is there any reason what so ever they should be risking all they own on this asshole regardless if he is blood?
AND
do you think the justice system here in the midwest is jsut a little too lax?
if my mom would have let me do what i wanted too in the first place, we wouldnt be in this situation we are in now. im a firm believer in spare the rod spoil the child. and not jsut becasue of his antics.

 

[Isaac Brock]

Originally posted by Johnney
heres the situation.
i have a 15 year old nephew whose pretty fucked in the head. so far since hes lived with my parents hes gotten caught smoking dope on the way to school (on video tape no less), got caught shoplifting, skipped school like that is no tomarrow, come up hot on a piss test a couple of times (the new directions here, the drug place people go to when they get caught) isnt that concerned. his probation officer, even though ive turned in a bag of weed to them i got from his room, didnt do anything other than put him on a stricter probation (laughable) seems to think he'll grow out of it.

and last night/ this morning, he got it for grand theft auto, curfew, driving without a license, and vandalism (seems there have been about 50 cases of windows being shot out wit a BB gun, which they happened to be caught with for some reason).

now, my parents are retired. is there any reason what so ever they should be risking all they own on this asshole regardless if he is blood?
AND
do you think the justice system here in the midwest is jsut a little too lax?
if my mom would have let me do what i wanted too in the first place, we wouldnt be in this situation we are in now. im a firm believer in spare the rod spoil the child. and not jsut becasue of his antics.

Can you say military school? By friend's brother is the EXACT same... got sent to Juvy a few times. Eventually his mom just kicked him out, because there is nothing more she can do for him until we wants to do something for himself.

 

[Johnney]

that wouldbe nice, but the justice system up here thinkis hes some type of angel or something. if id have done this shit when iw as his age id have gotten sent up. but i was intelligent enough not to get caught.
i think jsut the monitary amount is a felony though, about 6K. but im not sure about that.

 

[5stringJeff]

My two suggestions would be: one of those juvenile boot camps, for short term punishment (i.e. to correct the wrong behavior) and have him start going to church (to correct an obvious character problem).

 

[Johnney]

well court is next month so we'll see what happens to that one. as for the church, if you force him to go, then yuo'll get me. i was forced to go as a child and i cant stand the thought of going now. i do help out in the kitchen when they have bigger dinner things, but besides that i wont go. i even refuse to talk about with my mom.
i think a good old fashion ass whoppin is in order, hell i dont care about going to jail over it. why would i? you can get away with murder around here and not worry.
i read something the other day in the paper where a guy that was convicted of child molestation 9 times over 50 years. they now want to keep him in jail until he is reabilitated. now this one is a no brainer. 9 convictions over 50 years? he should have even been allowed out inthe first place.

 

[NightTrain]

That's a tough deal there, Johnney.

In a situation like that, (if I were the unfortunate parent), I'd come down on him like a truck.

Strict grounding - no going anywhere unless with you.
Massive chores.
No TV.
No computer.
No video games.
No phone.
No visitors.
Church.
Got some free time? More chores.
Running out of chores to hand out? Invent some. Scrub the driveway with a small brush.

The first time he gets out of line, an ass whipping. Then more chores. After 6 months of this action, he'll be straightened out. He needs discipline, and lots of it.

It may sound cruel to a few bleeding hearts out there, but in reality you'll be doing the little fella a huge favor. He's going to be thrown into jail at a young age with a bunch of hardened criminals and then he'll really get some groovy ideas into his head. If he doesn't get straightened out now, it'll take him years (if he ever does) of very unpleasant situations before he gets the picture.

Jeff's boot camp idea is a good one, too. But it's nothing that the parents can't do themselves.

 

[lilcountriegal]

Sounds to me like he needs a good ol case of ass whoopin.

You said your mom is raising him and he is your nephew. That would make him her grandson (?). Can you maybe approach his parents (father/mother... whichever is related by blood) and explain the situation to them? Tell them that your parents are a bit old to be having to have this burden on their shoulders, etc.

Yes, it does sound like the justice system out there is a bit lax.

It sounds to me like he's a kid lashing out for attention (I sense a larger story as to why he isnt living with his own parents). And attention is something he is getting with all the crap he's pullilng. If he doesnt be careful, by trying to get attention, he can end up a convicted addict. I'd maybe call his PO and tell him/her that they need to keep a stricter schedule on this boy. If he/she doesnt, contact that PO's supervisor. In the Juvey system where I live, there are so overrun with troubled kids that alot of times they cant keep track of them all. If that PO cant keep track of your nephew, then he needs a PO that can.

Other that those two suggestions, I'd work on your mom. Explain to her that as long as she allows this behavior to go on, it'll continue. She needs to raise her fist and lower her foot, otherwise this kid will continue to walk all over them.

Good Luck!

 

[Johnney]

You said your mom is raising him and he is your nephew. That would make him her grandson (?). Can you maybe approach his parents (father/mother... whichever is related by blood) and explain the situation to them? Tell them that your parents are a bit old to be having to have this burden on their shoulders, etc. --(I sense a larger story as to why he isnt living with his own parents

Why yes there is, you see, his mom is my sister, and shes.... you guessed it, in prison for METH!!!!!!!!
as far as im cincerned shes about a worthless bitch anyway. everything he is doing now his mom did when she wass younger, like mother like son there.

Night Train, as far as that your suggestions go, been there done that. but his past life with his mom was pretty much the same as you suggested, jstu more abusive. weve taken everything away from him, even taken his door off, but it jsut doesnt faze him one bit.
but its like i said, the court will decide. i told my parents he cant come back regardless of what they say next month. obviously we ahve turned into retards when it comes to teenagers. as far as i see, teens have it ALOY easier than when i was a kid. computers? Internet? xbox? what the hell was that?
but the ass whoppin was more of what i had in mind. i told him today he was going to be someones bitch when he goes to jail.

 

[acludem]

Evidently this kid hasn't had much direction up until now. Does he have a father? My guess is, probably not. It's too bad you and parents have been left to deal with this by your sister.

I like the option of military school or some sort of boot camp, but check it out first, there have been kids killed at these places. He clearly needs a figurative kick in the ass.

The best thing you can do is give him discipline (though I don't think hitting him is the answer, chances are that's what his mom did), and keep trying to find a way to get through to him.

I'm an eternal optimist, especially when it comes to kids. I hope you won't give up on your nephew. He's young and he's had a tough go of it. We shouldn't give kids like this a free pass, but we shouldn't condemn as "just plain bad kids" and wash our hands of them either.

 

[Moi]

How awful for your family to have to go through this. I don't believe that your nephew became this way overnight nor of his own volition. If your sister has been in a trouble spiral for a long time, it's no wonder that your nephew acts as he does. However, he's 15 years old...is it too late? No one will ever know until they look back.

I agree that some type of confined learning environment would do him good; agreed, that some are shameful and abusive. There was a program on television when I was a kid which was called "Scared Straight"- you know, the one where convicts try to speak to guys headed that way about how awful it is. Perhaps you can get some local cops to talk to your nephew along those lines? Or perhaps bring your nephew to the nearest big city to talk to their law enforcement.

I agree with Lilcountriegal that your nephew needs attention. Kids don't care what kind of attention you give them...they just know they want something. Get him a mentor...someone who's walked that path and straightened out for a better life. Or someone who's been so burned they know what not to do.

Good luck, really. That's all I can give you.

 

[Johnney]

Get him a mentor...someone who's walked that path and straightened out for a better life. Or someone who's been so burned they know what not to do.

I figure id try to mentor him. my past is similar to his moms. hell shes the one who got me started on drugs. but i mellowed out. after about 7 years in the military i developed migraines out of no where. for those of you who dont know anything about military doctors, theu jsut give you drugs like there is no tomarrow. with them helping supply me, i was stoned for about 3 years straight. which led to my wife at the time saying fuck this shit. while i was at an in hospital rehab in korea, she divorced me (she had power of attorney, i wasnt even in the country at the time, nor knew anything about it, but this is another story).
but its in the past, im clean almost 5 years now. hardest thing i take is ibuprofin.
Ive also tried to get him into my field, which is web design. but nope. also tried getting him into hunting, again no. so time is going to tell. seems his passion is drugs and trouble.

 

[Moi]

Originally posted by Johnney
I figure id try to mentor him. my past is similar to his moms. hell shes the one who got me started on drugs. but i mellowed out. after about 7 years in the military i developed migraines out of no where. for those of you who dont know anything about military doctors, theu jsut give you drugs like there is no tomarrow. with them helping supply me, i was stoned for about 3 years straight. which led to my wife at the time saying fuck this shit. while i was at an in hospital rehab in korea, she divorced me (she had power of attorney, i wasnt even in the country at the time, nor knew anything about it, but this is another story).
but its in the past, im clean almost 5 years now. hardest thing i take is ibuprofin.
Ive also tried to get him into my field, which is web design. but nope. also tried getting him into hunting, again no. so time is going to tell. seems his passion is drugs and trouble.

Even if he was a perfect angel, he's at that age when kids don't listen to anything their relatives tell them but they'll listen to "strangers" that they think are cool. Sucks, but it's the truth. It sounds like you have gotten your sh__ together so just being there for him will be better than what you got..he may just surprise you.

 

[injury]

"Sounds to me like he needs a good ol case of ass whoopin."

Hey it worked on me, and now that I'm an adult I'm glad I was raised that way.

I was threatened with military school, but mom didn't have the nerve to go through with it.

"is there any reason what so ever they should be risking all they own on this asshole regardless if he is blood? "

Depends on how you view family, in my family yes. But we were also raised with certain values that are seldolm seen anymore (ie never do anything to bring shame on the family name etc).

"do you think the justice system here in the midwest is jsut a little too lax?"

I think the entire U.S. justice system is too lax, nowdays the only punitive measures in the system seems to be the inmates themselves.


The hard part about your nephew is that it has gone on for so long, at 15 he's 3 years from doing what he wants anyways. So anything to turn him around a complete 180 is going to be very difficult.

My parents had a damn dragnet on me during my rebellious years, I got caught smoking, may dad had the local quickie mart call him if I tried to buy ciggarettes (after threatening bodily harm on them if they sold his underage son cigs). Gave me a pager that I had to answer, had to call just about everywhere I was going, constantly talked with my friends parents, my teachers were all to happy to inform them on my progress daily. Sure I could have ignored the pager that just meant I would never see the light of day again in the forseeable future. Several things they had contengency plans for (though I never got caught doing them). ie If I skipped class, mom said she would take off work, drive me to school, and walk me to each class the next day in her bathrobe (embarassment was always a great deterrant in high school days). If I had snuck out a night, they would have put alarms on my doors and windows.

I imagine if I had got caught sneaking out at night the wouldn't have hesitated to call in my car stolen (since after all it was in there name). Threaten to move out or run away, they'd remind you to leave all of their things behind, after all they paid for the clothes on my back. One of my dads great lines I still remember was "If may not be able to make you respect me, but I can make you fear me".

As much as I hated it then (and at times thought I hated them), I see why they did it now. And every time I see some punk kid pulling crap, I can't help but think his parents probably don't care much for him.

 

[Johnney]

liek i thought they would do, a slap on the wrist for everything...BUT, it seems he was involved in a rash of vandalisms aroundt he area with some of his asshole friends. like 200 car windows, to the tune of about $40,000. now maybe they will get it through their heads he is a menace to society and take the appropriate actions.