- Sep 22, 2013
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Why do cops hate thieves? Here's a sardonic short-story about an eccentric and arguably doomed thief, inspired by the dream-work film The Laughing Policeman. Thanks (and enjoy!),
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I run a club of thieves in Los Angeles. My name's Isaac. I'm a bank robber. I graduated from the Ivy League. I steal from the rich and give to the poor. I'm quite nerdy. I'm an excellent computer hacker. Here's my selfie.
I never fail in my robberies. I'm a master thief. I've robbed over 20 banks in just 2 years and most of them were in California. My favorite bank robberies were in Los Angeles. I always wear a brown paper bag mask. The FBI calls me the Masked Mary.
I walked into this LA bank masked and told them I had a planted explosive right outside the front entrance and I'd set if off unless they put diamonds in my briefcase and refrained from turning the alarm on without cause. I walked out with $10 million diamonds and of course whtere was no explosive planted in the front entrance. The FBI called his LA heist the Diamond Deception!
I love banks. I love walking into banks and noticing all the customers and employees. I love LA banks. I love LA. I love banks in LA. That's half of my rationale. Banks are federalism and capitalism is everywhere. I consider myself an American version of Robin Hood. I try to steal things that are insured by the banks themselves, so the customers/patrons aren't hurt. I've never had to shoot anyone during my robberies. I respect the banks I rob.
The club I've formed on the Internet is called the Thief Club (TC). It's comprised of mostly young Americans who aren't interested in thinking of themselves as standard yuppies, even though many of them are college graduates. The members are anonymous and consider themselves cheerleaders of LA liberal living. In our online chats, we talk about Bonnie and Clyde and why bank robbery is superior to terrorism. The members of TC are all excellent people and great Americans.
Of course, the members of TC aren't detectives or cops or diplomats of Charlie's Angels or TJ Hooker. No, we're more like fans of things like the Real World and infrastructural TV programs like Airline and MTV Cribs. We want our members to feel like the joy of living in California is at least 1/2 the imagination behind cheering on avoiding actually hurting devoted and dutiful policemen (cops!).
TC-MEMBER (DIANE): "I think what Isaac does is crazy, but I also think what he does in Los Angeles reminds us of modern detention."
TC-MEMBER (ELLA): "I love Isaac, and I think he's the coolest member of the club and the greatest resident of California."
We sometimes host outdoor film activities. We watch movies celebrating fashion and life and the arts and of course medicine and music. We love everything. Mostly, we love bank robberies. Our movies and love of movies and movie viewing activities reflect this social interest and passion.
I used some of the money from the stolen diamonds from LA to finance the purchase of a white Lamborghini for one of our TC (Thief Club*) members. She was really happy with the gift, because it reminded us all of the value of democratic ditches.
I sometimes make Eastern custard and fruit salads for our TC members. I don't want them to think we're simply outlaw fans or simply lunatics running from the law. No, sir, we love Ben and Jerry's as well as Boston Market and the LA Rams. We're patriots!
I think I'm being followed and stalked by a masked maniac who calls himself Sack-Heat. This guy's into baseball and the Dodgers, but I think he wants to chop my head off. I'm not sure, but I think he's an ex-cop, which is why he hates me. This guy is actually a psycho.
I'm going to take a school-bus someday and graffiti it up and drive it to the Grand Canyon with all the TC members inside. Promise.
As a fan of LA, I hate the Vikings. I hate everything about the Vikings. In fact, I'd never rob a bank in the boring and designed city of Minnesota, just on principle.
FBI: "We're going to catch this 'Masked Mary' if for no better reason than to preserve the sanctity of Minnesota and prevent slander comments about everything associated with the Vikings...and dollmakers."
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"Money is everything"(Ecclesiastes)
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I run a club of thieves in Los Angeles. My name's Isaac. I'm a bank robber. I graduated from the Ivy League. I steal from the rich and give to the poor. I'm quite nerdy. I'm an excellent computer hacker. Here's my selfie.
I never fail in my robberies. I'm a master thief. I've robbed over 20 banks in just 2 years and most of them were in California. My favorite bank robberies were in Los Angeles. I always wear a brown paper bag mask. The FBI calls me the Masked Mary.
I walked into this LA bank masked and told them I had a planted explosive right outside the front entrance and I'd set if off unless they put diamonds in my briefcase and refrained from turning the alarm on without cause. I walked out with $10 million diamonds and of course whtere was no explosive planted in the front entrance. The FBI called his LA heist the Diamond Deception!
I love banks. I love walking into banks and noticing all the customers and employees. I love LA banks. I love LA. I love banks in LA. That's half of my rationale. Banks are federalism and capitalism is everywhere. I consider myself an American version of Robin Hood. I try to steal things that are insured by the banks themselves, so the customers/patrons aren't hurt. I've never had to shoot anyone during my robberies. I respect the banks I rob.
The club I've formed on the Internet is called the Thief Club (TC). It's comprised of mostly young Americans who aren't interested in thinking of themselves as standard yuppies, even though many of them are college graduates. The members are anonymous and consider themselves cheerleaders of LA liberal living. In our online chats, we talk about Bonnie and Clyde and why bank robbery is superior to terrorism. The members of TC are all excellent people and great Americans.
Of course, the members of TC aren't detectives or cops or diplomats of Charlie's Angels or TJ Hooker. No, we're more like fans of things like the Real World and infrastructural TV programs like Airline and MTV Cribs. We want our members to feel like the joy of living in California is at least 1/2 the imagination behind cheering on avoiding actually hurting devoted and dutiful policemen (cops!).
TC-MEMBER (DIANE): "I think what Isaac does is crazy, but I also think what he does in Los Angeles reminds us of modern detention."
TC-MEMBER (ELLA): "I love Isaac, and I think he's the coolest member of the club and the greatest resident of California."
We sometimes host outdoor film activities. We watch movies celebrating fashion and life and the arts and of course medicine and music. We love everything. Mostly, we love bank robberies. Our movies and love of movies and movie viewing activities reflect this social interest and passion.
I used some of the money from the stolen diamonds from LA to finance the purchase of a white Lamborghini for one of our TC (Thief Club*) members. She was really happy with the gift, because it reminded us all of the value of democratic ditches.
I sometimes make Eastern custard and fruit salads for our TC members. I don't want them to think we're simply outlaw fans or simply lunatics running from the law. No, sir, we love Ben and Jerry's as well as Boston Market and the LA Rams. We're patriots!
I think I'm being followed and stalked by a masked maniac who calls himself Sack-Heat. This guy's into baseball and the Dodgers, but I think he wants to chop my head off. I'm not sure, but I think he's an ex-cop, which is why he hates me. This guy is actually a psycho.
I'm going to take a school-bus someday and graffiti it up and drive it to the Grand Canyon with all the TC members inside. Promise.
As a fan of LA, I hate the Vikings. I hate everything about the Vikings. In fact, I'd never rob a bank in the boring and designed city of Minnesota, just on principle.
FBI: "We're going to catch this 'Masked Mary' if for no better reason than to preserve the sanctity of Minnesota and prevent slander comments about everything associated with the Vikings...and dollmakers."
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"Money is everything"(Ecclesiastes)
