Terminating a toxic frienship: How?

[Peach]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

Truth.

See if you can get her to rent an apartment from you. That'll kill that friendship dead.

Or start trying to sell the person your used makeup, underwear, dishes, or other personal items. Become very offended if the person will not pay hundreds of dollars for used lipstick, playing cards, or baseballs.

 

[strollingbones]

Do you want to draw boundaries or completely break it off??

good question! Now that I think about it...

I need to break it off it is not healthy; codependency, manipulation, alcoholism and a lying cake eater. Really don't want this person in my life anymore.

so has this person always been this way? have you outgrown your friends or what?

during the last couple of years i have only had time for myself and thoughts of my own troubles.....i am amazed at the friends who dropped me like a hot rock but more thankful for the friends that stayed and put up with me...sometimes you need people to tell you to get off the crazy train....friendship have ups and downs.....i dont have enough friends to be that picky....do you?

 

[editec]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Behavior modification.

Remember that every relationship is really a unique ongoing event created by the interaction of the players involved in it.

While you cannot change her behaviors within that interaction you can change your behaviors, which in turn changes the nature of the relationship.

Something new (I guess) in the interpersonal dance between you two is causing you to have angst and get bad vibes.

Figure our exactly what you are contributing to that relationship to make that process happen.

Was it always like that? It must not have been, or the relationship would never have developed in the first place.

What changed to make it turn into the relationship it is now?

PERHAPS if you change your behaviors, she too will naturally change her behaviors, and your relationship (which remember is not just her responsibility, but yours, too... interacting with hers) can also change.

That or just move to another town.

Yes, I have actually moved in order to get out of a toxic relationship, so I totally understand just exactly how hard what I am suggesting might be.

People change.

So the question in this case is did she change or have you changed or possibly have you both changed?

Oh yeah one more concept...FRENEMIES....

If there's an unstated competition going on between you (one that perhaps you aren't aware of entirely) that could be what you're sensing, too.

 

[strollingbones]

how far did you have to move?

 

[MeBelle]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Skipping the majority of posts, here is my personal experience with people like this.

1) No personal time with her (lunch, coffee etc) You are too busy for these things. Your definition of busy is probably different than hers.
2) Do not confront her with your truth. It will only create drama, making it a public issue rather than keeping it a private one. Again, her truth is different than yours and probably comes with 'reasons'.
3) When socializing in the same circles, always be polite. Plan your 'escape' ( a] bathroom, b] you need to speak with so-and-so, keeping in mind that that in your escape she cannot tag along) In 'a' you need privacy, 'b' is a personal conversation. One can talk about the weather, the price of gas, how your plants/lawn are doing, anything that is neutral. Avoid personal questions by changing the topic back to neutral.
4) Contact CPS regarding her parenting and drinking. This can be reported anonymously.
5) There will be fallout, on her part not yours, by your keeping it classy and treating her with politeness. I could almost guarantee, that within the circles you share with her, most already know how she carries herself in real life. She will eventually get the hint.

The reason her son is in your life is probably because he is needing a mother! Continue to keep him in your life and never bad mouth HIS Mom in his presence.

Getting her 'out of your head' is up to you. Journaling your thought's helps. So does yelling 'GO AWAY' when thinking about her intrudes your mind. As for the yelling, when not 'appropriate', pillows work wonders

I know there is more...I'm just darn tired, so is my brain.

It is a difficult situation for sure, but you will get through it.

 

[Ernie S.]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

It has worked for me several times, but most I tend to run into at family reunions.

 

[Peach]

Ask for a loan, a large amount. And suggest a multitude of herbal supplements got rid of her chin hair; his
double chin.

 

[Peach]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Tell her she is creating an aura of ill fortune, sucking your chi, and her karma will improve if she stays awy from you. Also, begin chanting "oh leave demon from this lost soul" with closed eyes and facing her, and your hands out, palms forward, towards her. Then collapse to the floor, writhe a few minutes and tell her she must journey to Mt. Everest to be cleansed. If she doesn't try to have you committed, she will be gone.


OR, give her several VERY young puppies and kittens. Cry if she refuses to take the helpless creatures,

 

[Truthmatters]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Honesty is the best policy in everything.

Tell this person flat out in the kindess terms you can muster.


Tell Her you have found her company intertaining in the past and that is why you became friends.

tell her you still admire many qualities about her ( Im assuming you did at some point as you allowed into your life).

Tell her you have been having a tough time dealing with her negative tendencies and that they are disrupting your happiness.

Tell her you have tried to help her in this respect ( again Im assumig a a friend you have done this).

Tell you cant seem to be of any aid to her and feel the need for her to acess it on her own.

Tell her you have no amimosity but need to surround your self with more positive feelings.

Leave the door open to her if she can muster the more possitive mode that you need.


Wish her much happiness and that maybe she will be more possitive without you arround.

Some times certain people bring out the worst in people.

No insult intended.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

ok, lots of funny stuff!

loads of helpful insights and suggestions. i am going to work through this. i've given myself a resolution deadline.

 

[Ernie S.]

Good advice TM!

 

[mudwhistle]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Just say it all, as it will be your last contact (hopefully)

Write it down, read it over and make sure its what YOU need to say in parting.

Nope.

Move, change your cell number, change your email address, all the usual stuff.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

Do you want to draw boundaries or completely break it off??

good question! Now that I think about it...

I need to break it off it is not healthy; codependency, manipulation, alcoholism and a lying cake eater. Really don't want this person in my life anymore.

so has this person always been this way? have you outgrown your friends or what?

during the last couple of years i have only had time for myself and thoughts of my own troubles.....i am amazed at the friends who dropped me like a hot rock but more thankful for the friends that stayed and put up with me...sometimes you need people to tell you to get off the crazy train....friendship have ups and downs.....i dont have enough friends to be that picky....do you?

Oh, I am a friend true and thru and have supported her and her family as they struggle. But at this point, I am the only giver and all I am doing is enabling her poor choices at my own expense. So, yes I do have enough friends to be able to say that this particular one is not a healthy contributor nor does she share the same value system, she did, but no longer and my life is not richer because she is in it.

 

[Crackerjack]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

Truth.

See if you can get her to rent an apartment from you. That'll kill that friendship dead.

Or start trying to sell the person your used makeup, underwear, dishes, or other personal items. Become very offended if the person will not pay hundreds of dollars for used lipstick, playing cards, or baseballs.

Just figured out the perfect solution: try to get her involved with Amway.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

Truth.

See if you can get her to rent an apartment from you. That'll kill that friendship dead.

Or start trying to sell the person your used makeup, underwear, dishes, or other personal items. Become very offended if the person will not pay hundreds of dollars for used lipstick, playing cards, or baseballs.

Just figured out the perfect solution: try to get her involved with Amway.

Jehovah witnesses? Send them regularly to her home?

 

[Crackerjack]

Or start trying to sell the person your used makeup, underwear, dishes, or other personal items. Become very offended if the person will not pay hundreds of dollars for used lipstick, playing cards, or baseballs.

Just figured out the perfect solution: try to get her involved with Amway.

Jehovah witnesses? Send them regularly to her home?

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