Relationship Discussions Thread

[dilloduck]

This is where I get confused.
**If two people stay virgins 'til marriage, then they learn each other completely. No other influence. They adjust to each others wants/needs/desires. Maybe that's only in utopia.

**What if you do stay virginal and then find out he or she isn't interested in sex? That they indeed really don't care about your needs? They didn't marry for that privilege?

**Being intimate is a bond. You can't go around bonding with just anyone because you have the desire.

**When Mary was pregnant with Jesus, Joseph was advised to get rid of her because she was not carrying HIS child. NOT that she was pregnant. Could it be that sex is ok when you're betrothed? What happens during this time if you find out you are incompatible? Have you committed fornication?

ask your conscience---if it says yes, ask for forgiveness and don't do it again.

**If two people stay virgins 'til marriage, then they learn each other completely. No other influence. They adjust to each others wants/needs/desires. Maybe that's only in utopia.

yuck--turns 2 people into one mess------if I adjust to you then you don't know who I really am because I'm too busy adjusting---how about learning how to accept the parts of the other person that doesn't exactly fit with you.

 

[dmp]

This is where I get confused.
**If two people stay virgins 'til marriage, then they learn each other completely. No other influence. They adjust to each others wants/needs/desires. Maybe that's only in utopia.

I'm not wanting to advocate fornication...however...I think its not wise to assume they will adjust to eachother's needs. People only recognize what they need after time. I can't see being virgins-till-marriage helping avoid the inevetable; sexual conflict.

(sigh).

 

[Bonnie]

YES! That's why I say that helping with the 'handwashing' does wonders!!

Exactly! Sex doesn't always have to be about both people being in the mood, sometimes just doing the warmup gets you in the mood and if not at least one partner is happy, next time who knows??

 

[Joz]

yuck--turns 2 people into one mess------if I adjust to you then you don't know who I really am because I'm too busy adjusting---how about learning how to accept the parts of the other person that doesn't exactly fit with you.

I'm not talking about tap dancing to please the other. Changing who you are to please someone.

I'm talking about for example, If you like to be touched gently, then why would I want to smack you on the behind? If you want to change positions once in a while, why would you (or I) stay on their back every single time? THOSE kinds of adjustments. You learn to 'please' the other person in ways that feel good to them. You do things because they want it not because YOU THINK they should like it.

 

[dilloduck]

Exactly! Sex doesn't always have to be about both people being in the mood, sometimes just doing the warmup gets you in the mood and if not at least one partner is happy, next time who knows??

Can someone PLEASE explain why mastubation hurts anyone? ( besides going blind of course)

 

[Joz]

Exactly! Sex doesn't always have to be about both people being in the mood, sometimes just doing the warmup gets you in the mood and if not at least one partner is happy, next time who knows??

Thank you, Bonnie!!!!! Why is this so hard to understand???!!!

 

[dilloduck]

Thank you, Bonnie!!!!! Why is this so hard to understand???!!!

It's not---it just isn't always the answer.

 

[Joz]

It's not---it just isn't always the answer.

Isn't always the answer to what?

Do you think I'm advocating sex as a solution to marital problems? If so, you've misunderstood every one of my comments, this whole thread.

 

[dilloduck]

Isn't always the answer to what?

Do you think I'm advocating sex as a solution to marital problems? If so, you've misunderstood every one of my comments, this whole thread.

Sex really solves very little unless someone thinks sex also means acceptance,security, friendship etc. If sex is synonymous with any of these you got yourself some trouble brewing. All of these are and should be attainable with no sex at all! (oh ya--why is it bad to masturbate by yourself)

 

[Bonnie]

This is where I get confused.
**If two people stay virgins 'til marriage, then they learn each other completely. No other influence. They adjust to each others wants/needs/desires. Maybe that's only in utopia.

**What if you do stay virginal and then find out he or she isn't interested in sex? That they indeed really don't care about your needs? They didn't marry for that privilege?

**Being intimate is a bond. You can't go around bonding with just anyone because you have the desire.

**When Mary was pregnant with Jesus, Joseph was advised to get rid of her because she was not carrying HIS child. NOT that she was pregnant. Could it be that sex is ok when you're betrothed? What happens during this time if you find out you are incompatible? Have you committed fornication?

Well i can only tell you form my religion/perspective that the whole reason for that is if you are intimate with many people then there really is no reason to marry any of them. Also I don't believe in sexual compatability being something that you need to experiment with many people to know where you stand. My own opinion is that sex comes naturally to those who want to be with another person, as far as finding the perfect sexual partner I don't think is realistic because people undoubtedly change over a lifetime, pressure from jobs, money, inlaws, kids etc can distract people from maintaining a good sex life. The measure of a good marriage and sex life is the willingness of each partner to adapt and be consdierate of eachother's desires as best you can. If it happens that one person is completley shut off then counseling might help, if one is unwilling to admit there is a problem then maybe the marriage is unsalvagable, however the point is this that should be an absolute last resort after doing everything you can to save the marriage.. You can't change someone but you can change how you react to that person.

Beleive me Im not one to say virginity till marriage is easy or even realistic, but I also don't think sleeping around is the answer either if your actually looking for the right one.

Best thing people can do is really be committed to the marriage in the first place and make time to have a good sex life so the marriage never deteriorates into something that even needs help.

JMO??

Theres another saying that goes something like" the one who shares your bed is the one that comes first always"
(no pun intended.)

 

[dmp]

Can someone PLEASE explain why mastubation hurts anyone? ( besides going blind of course)

Masturbating opens doors for lusting after what you don't have. Frankly, I'd get my feelings hurt if my wife took to Bzzzzzzzz LightYear....a 'toy rocket'....because I wasn't giving her what she needed. Not to say those things can't be incorporated - it's to say i feel it's my duty to be that release, both physical AND emotional, for my spouse.

Wackin' it, especially in front of dirty pics/vids, can create desires for what one doesn't have...Plus, one may not only resent their spouse for their spouses lack of attention, they may add-on resentment for 'making a grown, married adult have to revert back to age 15." etc..

 

[Joz]

Marriage is a committment between two people and God. Marriage is 'not' a ceremony or a license. Compatability IS as compatability DOES I believe; but can't prove, nor even argue at this point...lol You know me pretty well Joz...I've got a PhD in Compatability Issues...lol..

That is precisely my POINT. COMPATIBILITY IS IMPORTANT, I don't care how you slice it. In many more ways than just sex, I might add. That's what dating is all about. We seem to all understand that we need to have the same belief system, a few things in common, that sort of thing. But what happens when someone misrepresents themselves? I know a person who got involved with another as they portrayed themselves as a good 'christan, wants a family' person. But in reality had their own selfish, self-serving agenda. Marriage IS a commitment, not entered into lightly.

But we seem to keep coming back to the sex thing is the only reason I talk about it. If you want to talk about something else, I'm game.

 

[dilloduck]

IMHO, the very worst you can do in a relationship is expect the other person to take care of needs that are your own responsibilty. After you're married you don't swap pink slips-----you still own you and your mate still owns him/herself. Relationships are for two people to bring different things into and share, not just take care of the other so the other takes care of you.

 

[dmp]

But we seem to keep coming back to the sex thing is the only reason I talk about it. If you want to talk about something else, I'm game.

I Feel sex is a subject MUCH deeper than most people will admit too. I believe it's a powerful tool towards a healthy relationship. Yes, when we are old and gray and the passion is gone, we still have to LIVE with that person, but sex while we are young can cement the foundations of our marriages which will do wonders to hold us together, when old-and-gray becomes real.

 

[dmp]

IMHO, the very worst you can do in a relationship is expect the other person to take care of needs that are your own responsibilty. After you're married you don't swap pink slips-----you still own you and your mate still owns him/herself. Relationships are for two people to bring different things into and share, not just take care of the other so the other takes care of you.

Sort of right...except Marriages are for two individuals to become ONE. It's about blending yourself and your spirit with your spouse. It's about some measure of co-dependency, I suppose.

 

[Joz]

Can someone PLEASE explain why mastubation hurts anyone? ( besides going blind of course)

Masturbation is a totally selfish act. Tho' there may be a place for it, constantly indulging yourself you alienate yourself from your partner and their needs. Intimacy is lost.

 

[dilloduck]

Masturbating opens doors for lusting after what you don't have. Frankly, I'd get my feelings hurt if my wife took to Bzzzzzzzz LightYear....a 'toy rocket'....because I wasn't giving her what she needed. Not to say those things can't be incorporated - it's to say i feel it's my duty to be that release, both physical AND emotional, for my spouse.

Wackin' it, especially in front of dirty pics/vids, can create desires for what one doesn't have...Plus, one may not only resent their spouse for their spouses lack of attention, they may add-on resentment for 'making a grown, married adult have to revert back to age 15." etc..

Mastubating is going to lead me to the "hard stuff" ? Naaaaaa--May keep me AWAY from the "hard stuff " tho. MAy give my partner a break when she wants one too.

 

[Joz]

Sort of right...except Marriages are for two individuals to become ONE. It's about blending yourself and your spirit with your spouse. It's about some measure of co-dependency, I suppose.

And that's referred to as inter-dependency. You are independant AND dependant at the same time. Co-dependancy is not healthy.

 

[dmp]

Mastubating is going to lead me to the "hard stuff" ? Naaaaaa--May keep me AWAY from the "hard stuff " tho. MAy give my partner a break when she wants one too.

Whether or not you believe Joz won't affect how true her words are:

Masturbation is a totally selfish act. Tho' there may be a place for it, constantly indulging yourself you alienate yourself from your partner and their needs. Intimacy is lost.

Sometimes people have no choice...better masturbating than seeking 'an outsider' to assist, in my book. Still, chronic monkey-spanking is a sure sign something may not be 'right'.

 

[Bonnie]

Can someone PLEASE explain why mastubation hurts anyone? ( besides going blind of course)

I don't think it is necessarily bad unless your in a marriage with someone you love and who is a willing and passionate person...because when you do that instead of being with your partner your shutting them out, also if your looking at other women it can make your partner feel very inadaquit even if they don't say so, most are afraid of seeming too jealous, I have counsled women on this and usually I recommend a book called the Centerfold Complex which talks about the dangers of men going outside the marriage for sexual fullfillment, even if it's just emotionally or mentally.