- Oct 31, 2012
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VATICAN - Pope Francis today banned the Bible from the Vatican library and from the library of every Catholic school in the world stating, "The Bible is a source of homophobic and Patriarchal oppression, and as such is offensive and must be banned." Several Cardinals and Biships began to object in the Vatican but were arrested by the Vatican guards and placed in solitary confinement. "It is my sad duty to also renew the Inquisitions", proclaimed Pope Frances, "Because the church must have unity. This means I have all the answers, not you, me. It's about me, not you, it's about me. We must be unified behind me because I am the Pope, numero uno, the one and only. Notice that there are not two Popes, just me!"
The Pope also declared to revive the Crusades. "Lastly, I have also decided to revive the Crusades and send my army to my home state of Argentina to save it from the MAGA crowd headed by Javier Milei to liberate it from oppression. Democracy within my home country can now only be saved once my opponents are all burned at the stake."
It is unclear whether Pope Fancis also will revive the Jewish ghettos begun in 1516.