Jokes

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.

So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

 

[Ringo]

- Excuse me, sir, my name is Rebecca Smith, I'm from CNN. What is your name?
- Moses Feinberg.
- Tell me, sir, how many years have you been coming here to the Wailing Wall to pray?
- It's been 70 years, no less.
- 70 years! This is amazing! And tell me, what do you ask of God?
— I ask for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. So that there would be no wars and hatred between people. I pray that our children will grow up in safety into people, who love each other and are responsible for their actions.
I ask God that politicians always tell the truth and put the interests of the people above their own...
— And what do you feel after 70 years of requests?
- It feels like I'm talking to a wall!

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Ringo]

From the experience of a World War II veteran:
If you come across a unit whose affiliation is difficult for you to determine, take a shot over their heads, so as not to hurt anyone.
If you get massive, accurate rifle fire in response, then it's the british.
If a barrage of machine-gun fire follows in response, then it's the germans.
If they drop their weapons and raise their hands, it's the italians
If nothing happens for five minutes, and then your position is destroyed by artillery or an air raid, it was the americans.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open​

17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?​

"Smell ya later!"

What’s Joe Biden’s favorite arcade game?​

Space Invaders

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?​

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?​

Because he'd lose his sense of smell.

So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....​

....He sits down next to her and says “So...do I come here often?”

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Donald Trump is visiting a school​

He enters one of the classrooms and asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and says, "If my best friend was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Trump. "That would be an ACCIDENT".

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus that was carrying fifty children crashed and everyone in it died, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", says Trump. "That is what we call a GREAT LOSS".

The room is silent, and none of the other children volunteer. "What?", asks Trump. "Is there no one in here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand and says in a timid voice, "If an aeroplane carrying you, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Mike Pence, Boris Johnson, Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" beams Trump. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Queen of England​

Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?​

The United States of America.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Is Joe Biden coming for your guns?​

Then put them upstairs.

 

[norwegen]

Our marriage counselor demonstrated to me the way to show affection to my wife. He gave her a big hug and planted a deep, wet kiss on her lips. Then he asked me, "Can you do this three times a week from now on?"

I said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go bowling."

 

[Ringo]

After all, the psychology of men and women differs dramatically.

Just imagine, a woman gives a man a gift for the New Year... well, for example, a set of wonderful bits for a screwdriver, electric cutters, a good meat knife, fishing rod ...
A man will call all his friends and proudly say: "What a wife! Think about it, she gave me a Bosch screwdriver, the latest model, with a spare battery... No, I'm not making it up!"
And everyone will be jealous.

The reverse situation.
A man gives a woman... well, for example, a set of awesome ladles, an expensive diamond-coated frying pan, a compact and lightweight vacuum cleaner, a sewing machine ...
A woman will call her friends and sob into the phone:
"Mine ********** He gave me an expensive saucepan with a built-in thermometer..."
"What a jerk!" a friend will exhale. "I wouldn't forgive!"

 

[Stann]

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
Next patient please!"

You know a lot of jokes, I didn't even get through them all today but I'll be back they're good ones. Hope you didn't tell these
Two fish are swimming up River, they hit a wall. The one fish turns to the other and says, " Dam ". How do you communicate with fish ? Drop them a line. . Why is it so easy to weigh fish ? They come with their own scales. How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy. That's all I got today. Thanks again, Stan.

 

[BackAgain]

A man walks into the talent scout’s office, carrying his dog.

Talent Scout: I don’t handle animal acts.

Applicant: But, this is a TALKING dog!

Talent Scout: Just get out.

Applicant: No really! Watch this! “Wobbly, what’s that thing on the top of our house?”

Wobbly the bitch: Roof!

Talent Scout: Get out!

Applicant: No no. There’s more! “Wobbly, what is the texture of the tree bark in front of our house?”

Wobbly the bitch: Rough!


Talent Scout: Alright, get out!

Applicant: No no. There’s more! “Wobbly, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?

Wobbly the bitch: Ruth!

Talent Scout: Alright, get out! That’s it! No more. Get the fuck out! [he throws the applicant and the bitch out his door and onto the street]

Wobbly the bitch: [to applicant] Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?!

 

[Stann]

Love is like a machine, sometimes it needs a good screw to fix it.

 

[Stann]

Having sex in the elevator is wrong on so many levels.

 

[Stann]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection ? I don't have a Ferrari.

 

[Stann]

Two fish were swimming upstream and they hit a wall. The one fish turns to the other fish and says " Dam ".

 

[Stann]

From an episode of The X-Files, and Sully and Muller are arresting a man, " He says I'm not saying anything until I see my lawyer. " They ask, " Who's your lawyer ? " To which he responds, " I represent myself. "

 

[Ringo]

New Year's resolutions:
2015: Lose 10lb.
2016: Lose 12lb.
2017: Lose 15lb.
2018: Lose 17lb.
2019: Lose 20lb
2020: To fight against the standards of beauty imposed by this evil materialistic and oppressive society!

 

[Stann]

New Year's resolutions:
2015: Lose 10lb.
2016: Lose 12lb.
2017: Lose 15lb.
2018: Lose 17lb.
2019: Lose 20lb
2020: To fight against the standards of beauty imposed by this evil materialistic and oppressive society!

Thanks again, this place can always use the laughter. I tried to limit my time as much as possible, the sadness and despair are too apparent.