Jokes

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

(I wanted to be a stunt man.

 

[asaratis]

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

One sign that your country is finally fucked up....



For July 4th I went to the store to pick up some supplies for hot dogs, hamburgers, and an apple pie.

I went to the usual spots to get them, but didn't find them in their usual places.

I stopped an employee and asked where the hot dogs, hamburgers, and apple pies were, as I couldn't find them.

He stopped and pointed to the rear corner of the store and said
"Oh, they are over there in the Ethnic Food corner".

 

[asaratis]

Recently In a Texas Bar...

A bearded Arab, a Mexican, and a cute Texas blonde babe were in the same Texas bar last week: When the Mexican finishes his Mexican beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his stolen unregistered pistol from his pocket, and shoots the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a glass of O’Douls Amber, a non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws the glass into the air, pulls out his concealed AK-47 from under his robe, and shoots the glass to pieces... He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The cool Texas blonde picks up her frosty glass of Budweiser, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45 from her holster, and shoots dead both the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'Honey, in Texas we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Recently In a Texas Bar...

A bearded Arab, a Mexican, and a cute Texas blonde babe were in the same Texas bar last week: When the Mexican finishes his Mexican beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his stolen unregistered pistol from his pocket, and shoots the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a glass of O’Douls Amber, a non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws the glass into the air, pulls out his concealed AK-47 from under his robe, and shoots the glass to pieces... He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The cool Texas blonde picks up her frosty glass of Budweiser, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45 from her holster, and shoots dead both the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'Honey, in Texas we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

So.............they met my sister, did they?!!
Sure sounds like her!!!!

YEE HAW MUDDAFUKKAHS!!!!!

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Votto]

I was once kidnapped by mime artists.

They did unspeakable things...

 

[asaratis]

Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed as one of the
characteristics of Jewish humor, revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance.

This is such a story:

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.
What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

A Democrat, A Socialist, and an Authoritarian walk into a bar....

Bartender looks up and says,

"Hey, Joe. What can I get you?"

 

[Captain Caveman]

I went to this Eskimo restaurant. I asked to see the menu. The waiter said, "We don't have a lot of options, so I'll just call them out. We have whale meat steaks, we have whale meat curry, we have whale meat stir fry and of course we have the Vera Lynn". I said, "What's the Vera Lynn?", he said, "Whale meat again"

 

[Who_Me?]

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...​

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

 

[Who_Me?]

When asked how many people work at the Vatican, Pope John XXIII replied, "About half."

 

[Ringo]

The best things in the world make us either fat or drunk or pregnant... There is no justice.

How to distinguish a bull from a cow?
When you milk a bull, he smiles

If she writes to you "I want to talk to you" answer "Yes, me too" - Both should be nervous

 

[Ringo]

It is very difficult to understand what a woman wants. it's like finding out what the smell of the color of the letter 7 is.

In order of making the soup not so boring, try to make a evil laugh every time you add an ingredient.

A man should be a little more persistent than Jehovah's Witnesses

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Ringo]

The wife screamed at her husband for a long time and already wanted to calm down, but then he told her: "Calm down."...

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

I often wonder about this when I am following someone doing 25 in a 40 on my way to work...

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

I was at the checkout line one day at my local store, and the cords broke on my mask.



All of a sudden I knew what it was to be Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.....

 

[Wyld Kard]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.