Jokes

[Ringo]

A sign of growing up is when in the "Three Musketeers" you start rooting for Richelieu - a statesman who was hindered by four alcoholics, three prostitutes and a degenerate in a crown.

 

[Stann]

A sign of growing up is when in the "Three Musketeers" you start rooting for Richelieu - a statesman who was hindered by four alcoholics, three prostitutes and a degenerate in a crown.

This is a really bad one, that's what makes it so good. How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy. ( It's a joke, not meant to offend anyone. ) If you're that serious that you can't take jokes, you shouldn't be on here. Most of what is posted is a joke, and not a good one.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

This is a really bad one, that's what makes it so good. How do you get a nun pregnant ? Dress her up like an altar boy. ( It's a joke, not meant to offend anyone. ) If you're that serious that you can't take jokes, you shouldn't be on here. Most of what is posted is a joke, and not a good one.

Heard this one from a dear friend who happens to be Southern Baptist...

Q: How do you prevent your Southern Baptist friend from drinking all of your beer?

A:

Spoiler: Answer

Invite two of them.

 

[Stann]

Heard this one from a dear friend who happens to be Southern Baptist...

Q: How do you prevent your Southern Baptist friend from drinking all of your beer?

A:

Spoiler: Answer

Invite two of them.

.

 

[Stann]

Mom, how do you spell " scrotum " ? Honey, you should have asked me last night - it was on the tip of my tongue.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Here is the sickest, most offensive, most horrific, most disgusting joke I know of.......

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy in the face, and I was arrested for assault.

The next day after I got out of jail, I punched a black guy in the face, and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?

Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?


One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere........
the other is a snail.

 

[Stann]

Here is the sickest, most offensive, most horrific, most disgusting joke I know of.......

That's not a good joke.

 

[Ringo]

The young monk took vows, and in the monastery his first task was to help the rest of the monks to copy by hand the church regulations, psalms, laws, etc. After working like this for a week, our nun noticed that all the monks rewrite these materials from the previous copy, and not from the original. Marveling at this fact, he expressed his surprise to the father abbot:
- Padre, after all, if someone made a mistake in the first copy, it will be repeated forever, and there is no way to fix it, because there is nothing to compare it with!
"Hmm, my son," the father abbot replied, "actually, we've been doing this for centuries... But, in principle, there is something in your reasoning! And with these words, he descended into the dungeons, where the "primary sources" were stored in huge chests, which had not been opened for centuries.
And disappeared. When almost a day had passed since his disappearance, a worried nun went down to the same cellars in search of the holy father. He found him right away - he was sitting in front of a huge open calfskin volume, banging his head against the sharp stones of the dungeon and mumbling something inarticulately. His face was covered with dirt and abrasions, blood was flowing, his hair was tangled and his eyes were crazy.
"What's the matter with you, Father?" - cried the shocked young man, - What happened?!
- Celebrate, - groaned the father abbot, - the word was: c-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e! not "celibate"!!!

 

[Ringo]

An old man came to the Catholic church to confess. He climbed into the booth and through the partition informs the priest: - Holy Father, I want to confess what happened to me last night.
- Yes, my son.
- You see, Father, I am 83 years old, and yesterday I spent a stormy night with two 19-year-old twin girls. With each 2 times.
-Oh yes, this is, of course, a big sin. Tell me, have you ever come to me to confess before?
- No, Father. I've never confessed at all. I am a Jew and have never gone to church.
"Then why are you telling me all this?"
- I'm telling this to everyone !
-
Religious porn actresses turn the other cheek at the end of filming.
-
- I think If Judas, betraying Jesus, knew how much money the church would receive thanks to his actions, he would not have asked for 30 pieces of silver, but a percentage of sales.
- And why do you think he did hang himself ? Because the whole of Judea laughed at this shlimazl!
-
Sunday girl school at the Catholic Church.
The elderly abbess talks to the graduates about what they are going to do next.
- Vera, where are you going?
- Nowhere, I will stay here, I will serve God in the monastery.
- Well, the Lord will be very glad. And you, Jane?
- I, Mother, will go to the sisters of mercy, I will comfort the sick and the suffering.
- And God will be pleased with you. And what will Mary say?
- I'll just be a faithful wife and a loving mother.
"Well, that's commendable, too. What about you, Linda?
- And I'll be a prostitute.
"What's that?" Repeat what you said!
- - A pro-sti-tute!
- Oh, thank God! At first I thought I heard "Protestant"...

 

[Stann]

An old man came to the Catholic church to confess. He climbed into the booth and through the partition informs the priest: - Holy Father, I want to confess what happened to me last night.
- Yes, my son.
- You see, Father, I am 83 years old, and yesterday I spent a stormy night with two 19-year-old twin girls. With each 2 times.
-Oh yes, this is, of course, a big sin. Tell me, have you ever come to me to confess before?
- No, Father. I've never confessed at all. I am a Jew and have never gone to church.
"Then why are you telling me all this?"
- I'm telling this to everyone !
-
Religious porn actresses turn the other cheek at the end of filming.
-
- I think If Judas, betraying Jesus, knew how much money the church would receive thanks to his actions, he would not have asked for 30 pieces of silver, but a percentage of sales.
- And why do you think he did hang himself ? Because the whole of Judea laughed at this shlimazl!
-
Sunday girl school at the Catholic Church.
The elderly abbess talks to the graduates about what they are going to do next.
- Vera, where are you going?
- Nowhere, I will stay here, I will serve God in the monastery.
- Well, the Lord will be very glad. And you, Jane?
- I, Mother, will go to the sisters of mercy, I will comfort the sick and the suffering.
- And God will be pleased with you. And what will Mary say?
- I'll just be a faithful wife and a loving mother.
"Well, that's commendable, too. What about you, Linda?
- And I'll be a prostitute.
"What's that?" Repeat what you said!
- - A pro-sti-tute!
- Oh, thank God! At first I thought I heard "Protestant"...

Did you hear about the new gay sitcom ? It's called, " Leave it, it's beaver. ".

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

That's not a good joke.

I didn't say it was.

 

[Stann]

I didn't say it was.

Well then, as jokes go, trump was the worst joke ever. Like all evil men, his misdeeds will live long after him.

 

[Ringo]

What do you get for the New Year most often? (survey among men)
1.Socks — 50 %
2. Ties — 50 %
3.Other — 0 %

What do you usually get for the New Year? (survey among women)
1.Other — 50 %
2.Completely different, not that I want - 40 %
3. Not quite that - 9 %
4. That, but I need another - 1 %

Do you drink vodka on New Year's Eve?
1. I did not understand the question... - 26 %
2. In what sense? — 24%
3. Ordinary vodka? - 22 %
4. How to understand "drink vodka"? — 28%

What will you drink for the New Year — vodka or champagne?
1. Champagne - 100 %
2.Vodka - 100 %

 

[Ringo]

Gentlemen!
Please do not drive drunk on holidays!
If you want to drive safely, I and my team of experienced professionals can help you for free.
We'll come and have a drink instead of you, so you can drive safely.

 

[lg325]