How About a Joke Thread ?

An accountant is reading a fairy tale about Cinderella to her daughter.
The girl is fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage. She asks:
Daddy, when the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, is it classified as income or as an increase in the value of the property?
 
Joe Biden is thinking of quitting early and letting Harris take over the presidency now as a result of getting covid.

He said that since he can't smell little girls anymore there's no point doing it.
 
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong 'walked on the Moon' and Michael Jackson fucked kids
 
A really rich person will not show anywhere that he is rich, but a not-so-rich person certainly will.
Well, yes, in fact, it is the same with intelligence.

Two buddies meet. One's on crutches.
What happened to you?
I was in a car accident.
That's terrible! So you can't walk without crutches now?
I don't know. The doctor says I can, but my lawyer says no way!
 
What country do you associate me with?
Italy.
Because I'm a passionate and romantic brunette?
Because you always make me nothing but pasta.

Two in bed.
She:
- Honey, we're going to get married someday, aren't we?
Him (pensively, blowing smoke into the ceiling):
- I don't know... Who the hell needs us.

Tell me, Holmes, how do you solve a crime?
Determine “who benefits”!
And if everybody benefits?
Then it's not really a crime.
 
U2 concert. Before the beginning of the concert, the lead singer Bono, a well-known Greenpeace activist and hunger fighter who never misses an opportunity to promote his social activities, comes on stage and starts snapping his fingers in complete silence at three-second intervals. Then he speaks into the microphone:
- Every time I snap my fingers, one person dies of starvation in the countries of Africa.
Shout from the audience:
- So stop doing that, you dirty bastard!!!
 
You can't measure happiness in dogs?!
What else is there to measure it in?
Money!
But it's silly to pet money in the evening.
GY5U49_bkAActjG
 
Your greatest weakness?
Correctly interpreting the semantics of the question, but ignoring the substance of the question.
Could you give me an example?
I could.

The refrigerator is a prime example of the fact that it doesn't matter what you're like on the outside. It's what's on the inside that counts!

Ask your wife to bring scotch:
A bad wife will ignore you.
A good one will bring a roll of duct tape.
And the really good one will bring a glass of whiskey.
 
Last edited:
The psychiatrist pokes me with a piece of paper with a smudge on it:
What do you see?
A sad, lonely man, exhausted by socializing with idiots, tedious work for cheap, and other injustices of life.
Doctor, sobbing:
And in the picture?
 
What would you prefer...........snakes on a plane...............or toddlers on a plane?


If two vegans are having an arguement, is it still called a "beef"??
 
A cat walks into a cafe, orders coffee and a cake. The waiter stands there with his mouth open. Cat:
— What?
— Uh... you're a cat!
— Yes.
— You talk!
— That's news. Will you bring my order or not?
— Oh, excuse me, of course I will. I've just never seen a talking cat before...
— I've never been here before. I'm looking for a job, I was at an interview, and I decided to have a coffee.
The waiter comes back with the order, sees the cat scribbling something on the keyboard of a laptop.
— Your coffee. Uh... I was just thinking... You're looking for a job, right? It's just that my uncle is the director of a circus, and he'd be happy to hire you for a great salary!
— A circus? — says the cat. — Where's the arena, the dome, the orchestra?...
— Yes!
— Clowns, acrobats, elephants?...
— Yes!
-Cotton candy, popcorn, lollipops?...
-Yes-yes-yes!
-Sounds tempting! But what the hell do they need a PROGRAMMER for?
 

Forum List

Back
Top