Have to speak candidly, I was assaulted by my wife and she was arrested. Advice please, even to those who disagree with me.

[surada]

Why are you so hostile? Life isn't simple, it's alot of grey

Yeah it is simple. She gambles and beats up on you. Leave. You can't change her.... Change yourself. Get out.

 

[WinterBorn]

You need to get out and stay out. The first part is easy. The second part is not.

But the chances that she will ever change are between slim and none. Get out. Get a restraining order. Prosecute her if she violates it.

 

[BlackSand]

We've both been under a great deal of stress of late, she has been worse due to her gambling addiction, The assaults against me have been going on for years and even though she warned me a number of times if I ever called the police that she would accuse me of beating her, I was forced to call them this time.

I don't want her charged as I believe even after so many attacks on me over the years that, "I married her and took a vow to God" and I try to see it through (my grandfather was the same way). The police said that they are now mandated to charge someone with assault even if they just break a phone!

Due to her extreme reaction when I pushed her away, giving myself some space as I didn't want to be punched by her, I am weary of the aftermath as she came by to pick up her stuff, with police escort and her arm was in a sling. How is it possible for her to be in a sling when all I did was push her?

She stated to the cops that I damaged her arm when they came, but it seems REALLY far-fetched and she attacked me twice while I was lying passively on the couch. Unless it is just inflammation, my suspicions will be firm that it was a screw job at the hospital. There is no way I dislocated her arm for instance, not even if I punched someone am I that strong.

It's ironic too, because after I pushed her away from me, she went around into the kitchen and blocked my way to leaving for downstairs to get away from the situation. She threw a utensil at me and used TWO arms to stab me hard with her cane, which lead to pain to this day (it happened Thurs).

She did not want me to call and pulled the phone out so that I had to recall.

What would one do if the police decide that i am the aggressor and charge me? I am in our home, she is removed. With my bad experienced with the covert ops here, I am never calm even when I know I am in the right,

.

As bad as it sounds ... Bones was correct ... Keep it simple.

It's possible you are in a jam because women tend to get the benefit of the doubt in assault cases ...
But the issues are addiction, enabling and codependency ... Lawyer up ... Push the issues ... There is proof of her addiction.

Don't entertain the idea of trying to make anything work ... Until the issue is addressed ... And to your satisfaction.

Side Bar:
Anywhere she gambled that had public access ... And that wasn't a private game ... Has a record of her gambling.
That can stand up in court ... If your lawyer can press the issue.

.​

 

[Unkotare]

Some people share way too much here.

 

[strollingbones]

dont think everyone is being hyper critical of you ...much of it...is because we have all experienced the hell of a bad relationship where you know its hell but you are afraid of what is on the other side...

the heart wants what the heart wants is just a bunch of bs....you got to survive

 

[shockedcanadian]

The only time things seem gray; is when one isn’t looking closely, or clearly enough. Newspapers look gray, put a magnifying glass to them… One quickly sees that it’s nothing more than intermingled black, and white. You, are responsible for your fate, no matter what hand you are dealt, or choose to settle for. A victim mentality; produces a victim 100% of the time…

I don't follow your logic. I am a victim. Simply pretending I'm not doesn't change this. I've been together with her for 16 years, I took my vows and we've worked through alot.

At the very least, she needs help. People quit too quickly in todays world when sometimes principle matters.

 

[surada]

I don't follow your logic. I am a victim. Simply pretending I'm not doesn't change this. I've been together with her for 16 years, I took my vows and we've worked through alot.

At the very least, she needs help. People quit too quickly in todays world when sometimes principle matters.

You're beat down like a dog. Just leave her . You'll feel like a man again.

 

[BlackSand]

I've been together with her for 16 years, I took my vows and we've worked through alot.

At the very least, she needs help. People quit too quickly in todays world when sometimes principle matters.

.

Understand this ... She's not the only one that needs help ... You do.
The idea that you "worked through" anything ... Well, sorry ... But you didn't ... And the way you are thinking is part of it.

There is help available ... For the both of you.

I would make recommendations ... But you need to find something in your area.
Do a little research ... And you will find what I am talking about.
Make it something you can manage.

.​

 

[JohnDB]

I think "what would the police do, the very people involved in this matter; to such a person who accosted them on the street as she did to me"? The same people who visited our home that day would have made sure she didn't come back after them, they'd use fists and then arrest her.

As my friend said, "you were lying passively on the couch, you were not a threat at all and she attacked you".

Worse for my wife, is that she took a little kangaroo swing at me as I shoved her, trying to hit me but missed. Like a Terminator she went around into the kitchen, cut me off from going downstairs and hit me with her cane and knicked me on my forehead.

I always have to be passive, but clearly I didn't prevent her from coming back at me. She is my wife, she is a woman and I don't trust the system that seems to dislike me.

The system WAS once tilted to favor the wives...it isn't so cut and dried that way anymore. Things have changed since it became obvious that women were using the legal system to their advantage to beat up the innocent husbands.
She, without provocation, attacked you with violence. You are in the clear but she is not.

So...sue her for divorce. Palimony is what she will pay you. And completely justified.

So you will be divorced....there's a LOT more women looking for a good man than good men looking for a good woman. (Except in Northern areas)
Maryland, around the DC area, a straight good guy has his pick of absolutely gorgeous women competing for his attention. Because the women outnumber the guys 10:1 and half the guys are gay. Just saying....

So long as you are nice and don't have any serious vice issues like anger management, chemical dependency, severe psychological problems, or huge debts...you are a gold mine.
Especially if you happen to like going to church on a regular basis....you are a unicorn in essence....a myth that never exists in their minds.

 

[shockedcanadian]

You're beat down like a dog. Just leave her . You'll feel like a man again.

The system WAS once tilted to favor the wives...it isn't so cut and dried that way anymore. Things have changed since it became obvious that women were using the legal system to their advantage to beat up the innocent husbands.
She, without provocation, attacked you with violence. You are in the clear but she is not.

So...sue her for divorce. Palimony is what she will pay you. And completely justified.

So you will be divorced....there's a LOT more women looking for a good man than good men looking for a good woman. (Except in Northern areas)
Maryland, around the DC area, a straight good guy has his pick of absolutely gorgeous women competing for his attention. Because the women outnumber the guys 10:1 and half the guys are gay. Just saying....

So long as you are nice and don't have any serious vice issues like anger management, chemical dependency, severe psychological problems, or huge debts...you are a gold mine.
Especially if you happen to like going to church on a regular basis....you are a unicorn in essence....a myth that never exists in their minds.

I live in Canada and she has a lawyer, I will not believe I am in the clear under such a circumstance.

 

[JohnDB]

I live in Canada and she has a lawyer, I will not believe I am in the clear under such a circumstance.

Of course you need a lawyer...the reason she has one already is because she knows she needs one becauseofher guilt.

You need a diary that accurately explains her behaviors and actions over the past years. Dates, times, and occasions she has struck you and etc. Banking records and etc. All of these records need to be organized for your lawyer so that when you find one you will have stuff ready for him. It can be a simple handwritten notebook or electronic file. Nothing fancy at all. It just needs to be accurate.

Then he can know enough about the case to argue effectively for you.

Nothing like the truth....it will deflate her like a balloon.

 

[SweetSue92]

I don't follow your logic. I am a victim. Simply pretending I'm not doesn't change this. I've been together with her for 16 years, I took my vows and we've worked through alot.

At the very least, she needs help. People quit too quickly in todays world when sometimes principle matters.

Jesus is referred to as the bridegroom; the Church as His Bride.

I get this, and so do you.

The Bible has a lot to say about a believing spouse staying with an unbelieving spouse. I understand this too.

But I do not think I need to tell you that your marriage is in no way a picture of Christ and His Church.

You took vows, yes. Did your vows include being subjugated to your wife's emotional and physical abuse? Did her vows include her promising to break you down in every conceivable way a man can be broken?

No?

You don't have to take steps to divorce and break those "vows". But you can get out. And you should. I can tell you as a Christian wife that she is nowhere NEAR fulfilling her vows, nor acting as God would have her act in marriage. Your home should be a place of peace, fulfillment, and refreshment for you. It should be at least sometimes delightful.

It sounds rather horrific, which again--is NOT THE PICTURE God has for us.

For now, just get out. If you can't afford it, contact a domestic violence line or something. Just get out and put some separation between the two of you. She might need help, but that is beside the point at the moment.

 

[shockedcanadian]

Jesus is referred to as the bridegroom; the Church as His Bride.

I get this, and so do you.

The Bible has a lot to say about a believing spouse staying with an unbelieving spouse. I understand this too.

But I do not think I need to tell you that your marriage is in no way a picture of Christ and His Church.

You took vows, yes. Did your vows include being subjugated to your wife's emotional and physical abuse? Did her vows include her promising to break you down in every conceivable way a man can be broken?

No?

You don't have to take steps to divorce and break those "vows". But you can get out. And you should. I can tell you as a Christian wife that she is nowhere NEAR fulfilling her vows, nor acting as God would have her act in marriage. Your home should be a place of peace, fulfillment, and refreshment for you. It should be at least sometimes delightful.

It sounds rather horrific, which again--is NOT THE PICTURE God has for us.

For now, just get out. If you can't afford it, contact a domestic violence line or something. Just get out and put some separation between the two of you. She might need help, but that is beside the point at the moment.

My vows are important too though. I'm not sure if you have been married or divorced, but we've been together for 16 years. I'm more in mourning now even though I know her lawyer is going to paint me as the bad guy, that's what the system rewards. This fact, along with her threats for so many years are the main reasons I didn't call 911 before. I was expecting a warning to her, she never believed I would call.

 

[surada]

My vows are important too though. I'm not sure if you have been married or divorced, but we've been together for 16 years. I'm more in mourning now even though I know her lawyer is going to paint me as the bad guy, that's what the system rewards. This fact, along with her threats for so many years are the main reasons I didn't call before.

You're making a lot of excuses for continuing to be a victim.. passive aggressive much?

 

[shockedcanadian]

You're making a lot of excuses for continuing to be a victim.. passive aggressive much?

It's easy to say "just get up and go". It's never that easy, especially in my case with so many variables to consider and emotions to process.

 

[surada]

It's easy to say "just get up and go". It's never that easy, especially in my case with so many variables to consider and emotions to process.

You don't have any self respect. That's what is making it hard.

 

[BlackSand]

My vows are important too though. I'm not sure if you have been married or divorced, but we've been together for 16 years. I'm more in mourning now even though I know her lawyer is going to paint me as the bad guy, that's what the system rewards. This fact, along with her threats for so many years are the main reasons I didn't call 911 before. I was expecting a warning to her, she never believed I would call.

.

Codependency:
"Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one that requires support on account of an illness or addiction."
It doesn't matter what you are telling yourself ... That is just how you facilitate the codependency.

Enabler:
"A person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another."
Which is what you become when you don't properly address the codependency.

You are not dealing with anything ... And haven't worked through anything.
If you are spiritual in nature and have a relationship with God ... There are places that will help you use that to properly address the issues.
Understand that you have a problem ... It is common enough they have words to describe it ... Help is available ... Look for it.

.​

 

[JohnDB]

It's easy to say "just get up and go". It's never that easy, especially in my case with so many variables to consider and emotions to process.

Ignore Surada....most of us do.

One of those axioms that people don't really understand....and you don't really understand and exploit is that life is a journey....not a destination. (I'll get back to this)
She, by her behavior, is attributing all of her worst traits onto you as if you are a serial abuser. As if you think that violence is perfectly normal for you to perpetrate onto others without provocation. (When actually the opposite is true) You enjoy being a nice guy who is used to extending grace and forgiveness to everyone for what you see as small slieghts. As such you tend to live a fairly happy life enjoying others.
All of which is what Solomon alluded to in his book Ecclesiastes.
Now what has happened along the way is that this woman has incrementally degraded you and manipulated you...like that King in Lord of the Rings series. She is "Wormtongue" and you are the King....

There is a whole life you have missed out on for being in a relationship with this woman. Read up on "gaslighting"....learn the signs of being manipulated. Learn the traits of a narcissist....and AVOID these people.

You have feelings and thoughts about things...nobody else has a right to tell you what you are thinking or feeling whatsoever.
Going through life with someone who supports you, encourages you, and believes in you is absolutely wonderful. An absolute 180 degree difference from what life you have been living. Imagine every day being filled with excitement and happiness...no eggshells to walk on. You are allowed to get angry over something and no one quakes in fear but instead agrees with you about the wrongness of the situation. Gets in where they fit in helping you with tasks simply because you enjoy doing them....even if you think it's stupid or worthless.

There's light coming from under the door of the dark closet you have been living in....I highly suggest you take this opportunity to escape from the dark nightmare you have been in and find the good life waiting for you.

 

[surada]

Ignore Surada....most of us do.

One of those axioms that people don't really understand....and you don't really understand and exploit is that life is a journey....not a destination. (I'll get back to this)
She, by her behavior, is attributing all of her worst traits onto you as if you are a serial abuser. As if you think that violence is perfectly normal for you to perpetrate onto others without provocation. (When actually the opposite is true) You enjoy being a nice guy who is used to extending grace and forgiveness to everyone for what you see as small slieghts. As such you tend to live a fairly happy life enjoying others.
All of which is what Solomon alluded to in his book Ecclesiastes.
Now what has happened along the way is that this woman has incrementally degraded you and manipulated you...like that King in Lord of the Rings series. She is "Wormtongue" and you are the King....

There is a whole life you have missed out on for being in a relationship with this woman. Read up on "gaslighting"....learn the signs of being manipulated. Learn the traits of a narcissist....and AVOID these people.

You have feelings and thoughts about things...nobody else has a right to tell you what you are thinking or feeling whatsoever.
Going through life with someone who supports you, encourages you, and believes in you is absolutely wonderful. An absolute 180 degree difference from what life you have been living. Imagine every day being filled with excitement and happiness...no eggshells to walk on. You are allowed to get angry over something and no one quakes in fear but instead agrees with you about the wrongness of the situation. Gets in where they fit in helping you with tasks simply because you enjoy doing them....even if you think it's stupid or worthless.

There's light coming from under the door of the dark closet you have been living in....I highly suggest you take this opportunity to escape from the dark nightmare you have been in and find the good life waiting for you.

You're a liar. No one has accused him of being an abuser. He should have enough self respect to leave a situation where he is being abused.

 

[shockedcanadian]

You're a liar. No one has accused him of being an abuser. He should have enough self respect to leave a situation where he is being abused.

I expect my wife to try this by any means necessary. It's why I've said that CSIS should oversee certain agencies.

Destroying our record on civil liberties, transparency and fair and equal justice goes well beyond the individual. You can go to any Canadian newspaper or forum and the dismay is prevalent. All I can do is speak the truth, she is going to try and alter the truth.