"...if the military wants troops to have displays they will issue them."
"Listen-up, douchebag..."
"Welcome to the 69th Porn Viewing Battalion, lowlife rookies!
Uncle Sam knows all about your nasty habits, you little peckerwoods, and has generously made provision for your pansy-assed health and welfare, my little darlings.
Today, you are being issued:
Pornography, Collector's Set, Hetero, one each, caliber .6969, full AA-battery jacket, capacity one hundred 'events'; Model 666, modified for field use; retractable overhead and wind shield; flash-suppressor; optional voyeurscope.
You will keep your government-issue porn in combat-ready condition at all times.
You will present your government-issue porn for inspection and stain-removal at the quartermaster's office every week.
You will report any outside inquiries pertaining to your government-issue porn, in order to guard against foreign porn espionage.
This is a precision instrument designed to be useful to 96.25% of all troops.
If, by some chance, the Good Lord condemned you to be one of the 3.75% whose wiring got screwed-up, you will obtain a copy of Form FU-000 to authorize the issuing of Alternative Porn Packet model 000 and return your model 666.
You are responsible for these things, people, and Uncle Sam will deduct the cost from your pay if you lose yours or abuse yours.
You are entitled to turn your old Model 666 or 000 back into the Quartermaster's Office once per year for an updated replacement. Your old Model 666 or 000 must be cleaned and all parts must be included in your turn-in or the cost will be deducted from your pay.
We are also obliged to tell you that the Chaplain's Office does not approve of this government issue, and we strongly recommend that you do not accidentally ship your Model 666 or 000 back home, where the folks can see what little wankers you girlie-boys all really are.
Now... fall out, disappear, go draw your Model 666 basic issue, and get the phukk outta my face for the rest of the night, maggots!
Ooooohhh-rrraaahhh! "