Friends, Foes, and Acquaintances

[Foxfyre]

Looking for a link I have misplaced somewhere, I ran across this old thread and wondered if there might be any further interest.

I would like to ask Annie, for instance, just out of nosy curiosity, what is required to become a 'friend'. I wonder what criteria any of you use for who among those you 'meet' on line are safe to meet in real life?

A number of folks I used to enjoy interacting with here left USMB because they were so frustrated by or displeased with the new software. And I will confess to feeling unimportant, maybe even a little rejected, when that happens. I guess we all want to think we are as important to other people as they are to us. But then how loyal would I be to all of you to put up with a situation that was miserable for me here? I don't know and so far haven't had to find out.

I do know that we often forget stuff people say. But we never forget how somebody makes us feel. And we all need at least a bit of approval in our lives. It increases us, inspires us, helps us cope with what we have to do, while hatefulness, petty criticism, negativity will always decrease us and provokes less than our best.

Hello FF! I've found that I don't have 'friends' here, I'm just not invested enough. I don't particularly care for how threads devolve here, so I tend to look for topics I'm interested in, read a page or two, respond if I want. Then I tend to leave. Not conducive to much interactions with others. Very different than it used to be.

I have 'friends' at other sites, mostly from the 'old gang' here. We've been virtual friends long enough that they know some of the things that have happened in real life and I know their's. We may or may not share political views, but know about deaths, divorces, successes, new homes, new babies, etc.

I don't look for that type of interactions here, for the most part those on the right and left just want to 'win' something and I don't find much common decency between posters.

Not sure if that's what you were asking, but that's how I read it.

I'm not exactly sure what I am asking either. To steal Meg Ryan's line in "You've Got Mail": ". . .So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. . . ."

And I guess the cosmic question is whether true friendship is possible on the internet. . .on a message board. . .if there is no real life interpersonal connection? Or is it all pseudo friendship and easily shrugged off once you don't need or want it any more?

 

[Foxfyre]

Actually what prompted this thread was somebody asking my counsel earlier today re how to handle a situation when somebody they really counted as a good friend no longer appears to be. And shortly on the heels of that conversation, in a completely unrelated discussion, I was hearing the story of somebody who felt like not only had their friend turned on her, but was actively trying to get others to turn on her too.

And I realized I not only understood, but could empathize with both based on my own experience over the years.

Probably we've all been rejected by somebody we wanted to be friends with. And we've probably all been falsely accused or seriously misunderstood at some point. And we've probably all had to deal with a back stabber at some point.

I just wondered how everybody else handles these situations. And how we choose our friends in the first place.

Hello Foxy,

Your observations in the third paragraph above, does happen. It is the nature of message-boards, where you have many people of diverse backgrounds represented. We all have more than one side to our personality and often. all it takes is one of those sides to offset another, in spite of the other sides being generally accepted. Some of us only bring one side to the public, here. Unless we are talking politics, I try to bring my civil side to the board. I call it, good manners.

In real life, with real relationships, usually all sides of a friend are considered, and one unwanted trait in them, will be ignored as the remaining traits we have liked in them, override any objections to the one we could do without.

I agree with Annie. I was told one time by a long time poster on another message-board, "never say anything to anyone you don't want to see repeated." Well, that sounded like sage advice but being the kind of person I am, I went against her advice as I later found just a small handful of posters I thought considered me their friend and for the right reasons and so I trusted them. I later, was turned on by them and it hurt. My expectations of them, let me down. I let myself down by trusting the wrong people. But I did, live and learn and it was worth the price. I hold only myself accountable.

I don't see how friendships can form in this one-dimensional cyber space. Also, favorite relationships here can fall and do, and often for unknown reasons. Those hurt the most. But nothing hurt more than to realize it was I, who caused it all, by believing in them, in the first place, especially when I had had red flags all along. I am glad I learned a great lesson though. It has saved my hide since then and I have learned to stay with my instincts.

Since then I have followed Aristotle's wisdom, "Trust no one" and I have been much happier. I have learned it is rare to make cyber friends. The best one can expect is to enjoy selected acquaintances and I do. There is one I hold in my heart. I am probably not alone in having a couple of favorites, but, unless and until, I know someone in real life, the relationship will be superficial as it has no place to grow. Cyber space is all blue sky. No foundation. Once that is accepted, one is reborn with a clean slate.

"To your every question, you are the answer. To your every problem you are the solution."

I hear that AA, but if the questions are hard to come by, the answers and solutions are sometimes even harder. And I also learned the hard way that trust is very often misplaced here.

For whatever reason, I occasionally find myself in private counseling sessions, mostly with the kids or very young adults, both in real life and on line with otherwise perfect strangers. Maybe it is because my only expectation of anybody is that he or she be reasonable civil and considerate and not verbally or physically harm others. Otherwise I will accept him/her as he/she is pretty much unconditionally.

But I don't always have an answer for those who aren't going out of their way to be assholes but find themselves targets of the stalkers and mockers and bullies. I don't know what to tell them to do to stop it, because I don't know how.

And we can be as philosophical and objective as it is possible to be, but it is still bewildering, and can be hurtful, when somebody we had decided was a decent and enjoyable sort turns on us in viscious and dishonest ways. I don't know how to counsel people to deal with that either other than ignore it as much as possible.

 

[Foxfyre]

To me, if a person cares about you enough, they will put you first before themselves no matter what your relationship with them is.

God bless you always!!!

Holly

And I didn't mean to ignore your post either, Holly. But do you really expect your friend to put you first? Or do you just expect your friend to make you important to him/her?

 

[JOSweetHeart]

^^^ This is how I believe it all should go.

1.) Jesus
2.) Others
3.) Yourself

God bless you always!!!

Holly

 

[Ernie S.]

A friend will bail you out of jail. A FRIEND will be sharing your cell.

.
So Ernie, I, like, have this problem. How paid up is the mortgage on your house?

Your friend, Percy...

.

I paid cash for my house. Or more properly, I paid with a wire transfer from the lobby of my bank in Deerfield Beach. I went home, finished loading the truck and drove the 600 miles from my previous home to my new home in Foley. The deed was in my mailbox when I got here.

Did you at least tell the county you moved in?

They obviously figured that out when I registered vehicles and got a driver's license, a CCP a liquor permit, paid taxes and registered to vote.

 

[Moonglow]

A friend will bail you out of jail. A FRIEND will be sharing your cell.

.
So Ernie, I, like, have this problem. How paid up is the mortgage on your house?

Your friend, Percy...

.

I paid cash for my house. Or more properly, I paid with a wire transfer from the lobby of my bank in Deerfield Beach. I went home, finished loading the truck and drove the 600 miles from my previous home to my new home in Foley. The deed was in my mailbox when I got here.

Did you at least tell the county you moved in?

They obviously figured that out when I registered vehicles and got a driver's license, a CCP a liquor permit, paid taxes and registered to vote.

Gonna sell booze, good luck...

 

[Ernie S.]

A friend will bail you out of jail. A FRIEND will be sharing your cell.

.
So Ernie, I, like, have this problem. How paid up is the mortgage on your house?

Your friend, Percy...

.

I paid cash for my house. Or more properly, I paid with a wire transfer from the lobby of my bank in Deerfield Beach. I went home, finished loading the truck and drove the 600 miles from my previous home to my new home in Foley. The deed was in my mailbox when I got here.

Did you at least tell the county you moved in?

They obviously figured that out when I registered vehicles and got a driver's license, a CCP a liquor permit, paid taxes and registered to vote.

Gonna sell booze, good luck...

Thank you. I own a bar here in Foley. If you find yourself down this way, you may stop by, if you promise to keep your pants pulled up.

 

[Gracie]

This is a very interesting topic but unfortunately as some have already stated....online friendships are a farce. You might get lucky and get a true real life friend out of it, but its rare. I have one here that I trust explicitly. We do not talk to each other a lot because it is not needed. Comfort in silence sorta thing.

The other online friend that turned into a good real life friend, I found years ago at another board. She is not online any more. She learned the hard way that kindness does not mean someone is loyal. She got burned by people she thought she was close to. Turns out...they were backstabbing her and she caught them at it when they accidentally opened up the private forum they had in the board she posted at. I've met her a few times...gone to her home for a visit with Mr Gracie for a week and stayed in her guest house...and I met up with her again in hawaii when I was there for a week. We email once a week..sometimes more..sometimes less. Another one that is Comfortable In Silence. We have been friends for almost 15 years now.

The problem with this place is not just the new software. It's the atmosphere. It's like one big playground full of bullies. This playground has metal detectors at each gate because of the roving gangs of people who enjoy inflicting pain and calling it "fun" on who is the best at it. To me, that is assinine behavior. It isn't a punch in the arm by friendly folks. It's a knockout game. Some have good intentions of just being witty and fun and lightly poking folks. Most would rather slam home something hurtful and be happy at the results. THAT is what is different here. And THAT is why so many have bailed or just do quick drivebys but don't stay. The only redeeming thing about this place is the few threads geared for the comraderie of just talking to instead of talking AT. Kinda hard to find real friendships that are true in such a place. Which is why it is emptying but filling up with like minded individuals that love keeping the place so negative.

 

[ChrisL]

Looking for a link I have misplaced somewhere, I ran across this old thread and wondered if there might be any further interest.

I would like to ask Annie, for instance, just out of nosy curiosity, what is required to become a 'friend'. I wonder what criteria any of you use for who among those you 'meet' on line are safe to meet in real life?

A number of folks I used to enjoy interacting with here left USMB because they were so frustrated by or displeased with the new software. And I will confess to feeling unimportant, maybe even a little rejected, when that happens. I guess we all want to think we are as important to other people as they are to us. But then how loyal would I be to all of you to put up with a situation that was miserable for me here? I don't know and so far haven't had to find out.

I do know that we often forget stuff people say. But we never forget how somebody makes us feel. And we all need at least a bit of approval in our lives. It increases us, inspires us, helps us cope with what we have to do, while hatefulness, petty criticism, negativity will always decrease us and provokes less than our best.

Hello FF! I've found that I don't have 'friends' here, I'm just not invested enough. I don't particularly care for how threads devolve here, so I tend to look for topics I'm interested in, read a page or two, respond if I want. Then I tend to leave. Not conducive to much interactions with others. Very different than it used to be.

I have 'friends' at other sites, mostly from the 'old gang' here. We've been virtual friends long enough that they know some of the things that have happened in real life and I know their's. We may or may not share political views, but know about deaths, divorces, successes, new homes, new babies, etc.

I don't look for that type of interactions here, for the most part those on the right and left just want to 'win' something and I don't find much common decency between posters.

Not sure if that's what you were asking, but that's how I read it.

I'm not exactly sure what I am asking either. To steal Meg Ryan's line in "You've Got Mail": ". . .So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. . . ."

And I guess the cosmic question is whether true friendship is possible on the internet. . .on a message board. . .if there is no real life interpersonal connection? Or is it all pseudo friendship and easily shrugged off once you don't need or want it any more?

I think it all depends on the people involved and how much the people involved want another "real life" friendship. I have a couple of internet friends that I talk with regularly via PM or whatever, that I would consider my friends (to an extent). Most of the others who I talk to would be considered acquaintances more so than friends, I think. It's more difficult to make real friendships online though, because most people are hesitant to give out any kind of personal information whatsoever, so it is kind of difficult to be friends with a person you really don't know anything about! I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's more difficult to "bond" with a person online when you are never face-to-face with that person.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

There is little that enriches your life as much as being blessed with a true friend. And nothing is quite as hurtful as the betrayal of a friend. But what determines who is and who is not your friend? And who are simply acquaintances that enter your life by coincidence and exit your life the same way? How do you identify the true friends and those who are using you for their own purposes or who are pretending or who are deceiving you?

How do you identify the true friends and the fair weather or fraudulent friends who are not really friends at all? Or does it matter to you?

NOTE: This is intended as a philosophical discussion and is NOT targeted at any person in particular. If we could keep it that way, as well as civil, as much as possible, this would be much appreciated. I don't want this to end up in the Flame Zone pretty please.

I've always had a very high bar for calling people friends. Reason being, I'd die for a friend. Not risk my life for one, I've done that for complete strangers. But just lay it down. Consequently, I don't use the f-word lightly.

Was a bit from the first book in the Dragonlance saga to this effect. One character coming to trust the key character suddenly announces he considers him a friend. And the key character, knowing about this person's people and customs realizes what that simple statement implied.

I think we use powerful words too easily these days. Friend, love, etc. are lobbed around willy-nilly and without the impact they used to carry.

 

[saveliberty]

Probably best to take people at their word, but I figured the software was more of an excuse.

 

[Gracie]

The gal I have been friends with for over 15 years? She is executor of my and Mr Gracies will. She has all the forms signed and filled out with copies in her safety deposit box. She says where our belongs go, to whom they go to, and is godmother to our two dogs. (That is, IF mr gracie and I go at the same time).

 

[Foxfyre]

I'm appreciating everybody's comments. Gracie raises the issue of the on-line bullies. I wonder if those who can't seem to make any kind of argument about anything without also being personally insulting somebody are that way in real life?

Why is it that some seem to make it a blood sport and/or team sport to go out of their way to belittle or insult or say something hurtful to somebody? What does that do for a person? On the rare occasion I am sufficiently annoyed or angered enough to say something unkind to somebody, I don't feel good about that. And I sure as hell don't go out of my way to do it. And I don't follow anybody around to keep doing it. But some seem to have no other purpose for being here? What makes them like that?

And indeed if online friendships are pseudo friendships with little or no substance--we just enjoy interacting with certain folks here, but if they drop out of our lives it doesn't make that much difference to us--do such people qualify as friends? Do we set the bar too low and use the term too lightly as Delta suggested?

But on the other side of that coin, should we always put a friend's needs and concerns ahead of our own if we are really a friend as Holly suggested?

I can say that there are certain individuals that I have 'met' on line who became important to me both here at USMB and elsewhere. For one example: freedombecki. It is said that you don't always remember what people say to you, but you always remember how they make you feel. Becki made me want to be a better person--I looked forward to interaction with her and felt better after interaction with her. And I have genuinely grieved since she disappeared ten months ago. I am genuinely concerned that something happened to her. Does that make such a relationship a true friendship?

 

[Foxfyre]

Probably best to take people at their word, but I figured the software was more of an excuse.

I have wondered about that.

 

[Gracie]

nd I have genuinely grieved since she disappeared ten months ago. I am genuinely concerned that something happened to her. Does that make such a relationship a true friendship?

It means you bonded with her and she was someone you were blessed to meet even if it was just temporary. Blessings tend to be that way. Someone, somewhere, makes an impact on your life...good or bad. In this case..it was very good. I miss her too, but I was not as close to her as you were. She was in another part of the world of USMB I did not visit much. But I thought her a great person that I enjoyed reading. Drifter is another one I enjoy reading. She is....to put it plainly...very kind and wise.

Friendship is a hard thing to keep stoked. Sometimes, we all fail in the ability to do that.

 

[Foxfyre]

The gal I have been friends with for over 15 years? She is executor of my and Mr Gracies will. She has all the forms signed and filled out with copies in her safety deposit box. She says where our belongs go, to whom they go to, and is godmother to our two dogs. (That is, IF mr gracie and I go at the same time).

I have friends like this too. And omg what a blessing they are. But that is a different thing that somebody you know only on line.

 

[Gracie]

The gal I have been friends with for over 15 years? She is executor of my and Mr Gracies will. She has all the forms signed and filled out with copies in her safety deposit box. She says where our belongs go, to whom they go to, and is godmother to our two dogs. (That is, IF mr gracie and I go at the same time).

I have friends like this too. And omg what a blessing they are. But that is a different thing that somebody you know only on line.

I met her online. Of all the years I have been on the net..she is the one I was meant to meet and it be carried in to real life.
She is on the road now with her hubby and dog. Off to NC to visit folks on the road trip in their silverstream trailer. I told her to email me IMMEDIATELY when they get there. Bad weather right now and it bothers me they are going NOW. (They left yesterday).
Anyway....I hope becki just got burned out and bailed. Thats what my friend did. But I'm sorry it worries you about her.

 

[Coyote]

I voted for all - extenuating circumstances mean we all have bad days...stressful times and say or do the wrong thing. I friend forgives that and a friend accepts that forgiveness.

 

[Foxfyre]

The gal I have been friends with for over 15 years? She is executor of my and Mr Gracies will. She has all the forms signed and filled out with copies in her safety deposit box. She says where our belongs go, to whom they go to, and is godmother to our two dogs. (That is, IF mr gracie and I go at the same time).

I have friends like this too. And omg what a blessing they are. But that is a different thing that somebody you know only on line.

I met her online. Of all the years I have been on the net..she is the one I was meant to meet and it be carried in to real life.
She is on the road now with her hubby and dog. Off to NC to visit folks on the road trip in their silverstream trailer. I told her to email me IMMEDIATELY when they get there. Bad weather right now and it bothers me they are going NOW. (They left yesterday).
Anyway....I hope becki just got burned out and bailed. Thats what my friend did. But I'm sorry it worries you about her.

There are a number of folks that I originally met on line and then met later in real life. These are different 'animals' than the folks you know ONLY on line, though admittedly one or two turned out to be more obnoxious in real life than they were on line.

But there are some I have been interacting with for years now that I am pretty sure would turn out to be in real life pretty much what I expect based on those on line interactions.

 

[JOSweetHeart]

But on the other side of that coin, should we always put a friend's needs and concerns ahead of our own if we are really a friend as Holly suggested?

Just in case I was taken the wrong way, what I meant is that when a friend is in trouble, you do what you can to help them out.

God bless you always!!!

Holly