Eastern Lampoon's Life of Isaac*


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Sep 22, 2013
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One more heist-parody vignette, one more inspired by A Fish Called Wanda (Kevin Kline)!


Isaac, a man of means and resources and cunning, was a lifestyle thief. Hailing from Romania to an Algerian mother and European father, Isaac grew up on the streets of Transylvania as a pickpocket. He learned to be self-reliant and made his way to American, obtaining a scholarship to study literature at UCLA before deciding to become a professional diamond smuggler and bank robber in California. Isaac was tied to the underground group Cobra, with ties to the IRA in Belfast, but he mostly wanted to make his way as an artful dodger and American musketeer. This is his funny story!


Isaac sometimes took flights on Aer Lingus to see his network friends in the underground tied to the P-IRA in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Isaac did some bank robberies and blood diamond smugglers' cove work to help the IRA finance some of its attacks on police and military barracks, by obtaining weapons from the black market. Aer Lingus became Isaac's personal favorite travel company, and he even dated an Aer Lingus stewardess for a time!


The Danske Bank in Northern Ireland was one of Isaac's primary robbery sites. He stole $20 million worth of Antwerp blood diamonds from South Africa, stored in a safe-box in the vault belonging to a corrupt Dutch profiteer named Roy Makaay. Isaac gave most of the money to his P-IRA friends in Northern Ireland before traveling back to America to spend his money from the Danske heist on his personal hobby, baseball cards. Danske Bank had become Isaac's special piggychest!


ISAAC: If I have to steal blood diamonds to become some kind of underground musketeer, I hope my activity thwarts terrorism.


Isaac wore a Green Lantern fan-superhero silver bracelet with green gem. He believed he was a good thief. Why, the hell, you might ask should Isaac believe bank robbery and diamond smuggling could thwart terrorism? Well, our protagonist Isaac fosters the private mystical superstitious opinion that elegant heists that create underground folklore should nevertheless, despite its criminal signature, detract attention away from violence and terrorism. For Isaac, diamond heists and smuggling and piracy work was preferred to the real darkness of blood diamond and terrorism designs!


Isaac also loved comic books. His favorite comic books included stories about freedom-fighters and Cossack wandering mercenaries, seeking to find glory by thwarting the schemes of intolerable warlocks and warlords reigning all over Eastern Europe. Isaac collected these vintage and rare comics voraciously. He likened these offbeat political comics to classic era Captain America comics!


ISAAC: I'm in love with this comic book superheroine who reminds me of an aquatic fortune-teller, which is normal for me.


Isaac converted to Catholicism and became a part-time taxi-driver in LA to cover his life of underground work as a pirate and smuggler and infiltrator of black market activity. As a cabbie in southern California, Isaac could entreat his special fantasies about finding spiritual security in a world beset by the dragon of despots!


FBI: We're tracking this pirate-thief whom we suspect lives in Los Angeles, and we think he's unraveling blood diamond traffic.


Isaac went to a book collector's convention and joined a club whose members shared and read rare and valuable books together. Isaac met a gorgeous Lithuanian woman at the club named Ana and used some of his diamond money to purchase a rare Stevenson book which he shared with Ana. They fell in love, and Isaac owed it to the book, he thought!


ANA: I love Isaac, and we'll marry, simply because I feel safe with him.


Isaac's story is not typical. So don't think you can just become an underworld pirate or smuggler and find the niches of personal sanctuary in the modern world, which is beset by the real dragons of despots. In fact, Isaac's story reads like a comic book itself, so beware of the false promises sold by today's romance-writers!


"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)

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