Democratic process in peril after millions of Americans chase after mail-in ballots caught in the wind!

[DrLove]

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind.​

​

“With 30% of the U.S. electorate currently stumbling through the streets in pursuit of their ballots and shouting, ‘Wait, come back!’ we fear this sudden, powerful gale has overwhelmed our electoral system,” said Professor Alanna Friedman, who estimated the number of uncounted votes would continue to grow as millions more Americans accidentally let go of their absentee ballots upon bending down to tie their unlaced sneakers.​

​

“Eligible voters across the country are dodging traffic, colliding with pedestrians, and racing down back alleys as they struggle to catch up to the fluttering slips of paper.​

​

There is still a chance enfranchisement could be preserved if the wind blows each ballot in a series of loop-de-loops and then coincidentally deposits it in a mailbox, or if an unwitting stranger thoughtfully picks it up, seals the envelope, and drops it in a slot.​

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But if not, it would seem the fate of the great American experiment will come down to whether voters have the courage to dive into hundreds of rivers and creeks and swim after ballots being rapidly whisked downstream.”​

​

At press time, reports from across the country confirmed thousands of stately women in city parks were aghast as they peered through pince-nez glasses at their growling Yorkshire terriers, which had finally caught the nation’s windblown ballots and torn them to pieces.​

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With...

politics.theonion.com

 

[Uncensored2008]

KISSIMMEE, FL—Joe Biden was taken out of the cooler in his campaign bus to give a speech at a campaign stop today, but oops! He forgot to put on clothes.


No worries for the Biden campaign, though. The media quickly praised his "regal" and "elegant" outfit, calling it "majestic" and "presidential."

"Look at that perfect business suit he's wearing -- looks like real presidential material to me!" said one CNN reporter before going off to write a puff piece on Kamala Harris' shoes.

"He's quite a dresser -- really knows how to wear that stylish and elegant suit well," whispered an MSNBC reporter. "Well done, Joe. Well done indeed."

But one young boy who wandered into the campaign event, thinking it to be a fun clown show, took one look at Biden and shouted, "Hey, he's not wearing any clothes!"

The other journalists all turned and looked at him, shocked at his gaslighting.

"Get him!" they cried. But, instead of tackling him, they observed social distancing guidelines and simply went after his old tweets.

Biden Forgets To Put On Clothes, Media Praises His Majestic Outfit

KISSIMMEE, FL—Joe Biden was taken out of the cooler in his campaign bus to give a speech at a campaign stop today, but oops! He forgot to put on clothes.

babylonbee.com

 

[Oddball]

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind.​

​

“With 30% of the U.S. electorate currently stumbling through the streets in pursuit of their ballots and shouting, ‘Wait, come back!’ we fear this sudden, powerful gale has overwhelmed our electoral system,” said Professor Alanna Friedman, who estimated the number of uncounted votes would continue to grow as millions more Americans accidentally let go of their absentee ballots upon bending down to tie their unlaced sneakers.​

​

“Eligible voters across the country are dodging traffic, colliding with pedestrians, and racing down back alleys as they struggle to catch up to the fluttering slips of paper.​

​

There is still a chance enfranchisement could be preserved if the wind blows each ballot in a series of loop-de-loops and then coincidentally deposits it in a mailbox, or if an unwitting stranger thoughtfully picks it up, seals the envelope, and drops it in a slot.​

​

But if not, it would seem the fate of the great American experiment will come down to whether voters have the courage to dive into hundreds of rivers and creeks and swim after ballots being rapidly whisked downstream.”​

​

At press time, reports from across the country confirmed thousands of stately women in city parks were aghast as they peered through pince-nez glasses at their growling Yorkshire terriers, which had finally caught the nation’s windblown ballots and torn them to pieces.​

Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With...

politics.theonion.com

 

[Uncensored2008]

The Onion just ain't got it. They are too partisan to be funny. Babylon Bee is the source for true wit.

 

[Oddball]

The Onion just ain't got it. They are too partisan to be funny. Babylon Bee is the source for true wit.

They're marginallly more funny than Borowitz, which is the OP's go-to unfunny source for "humor".

But yeah, The Onion has pretty much sucked since they went out of print.

 

[Uncensored2008]

U.S.—Netflix is embroiled in controversy yet again with its new documentary Puppy Murder, a show where the director kills puppies to teach you that murdering puppies is bad.


The movie is just two hours of puppies being brutally murdered onscreen, sending a powerful message to the viewer about just how bad puppy murder is. From getting shot and stabbed to being run over with a steamroller and the inspiring climactic scene where a puppy is dropped into a volcano, the movie unequivocally and powerfully shows the brutal reality of puppy murder.

"I thought about just making a documentary where I didn't actually murder puppies to make the point, but it just wasn't powerful enough," said director Amélie Le'Charpentier (who is, by the way, a woman of color and an immigrant, so think about that before you criticize her). "I drew on my own experiences having observed puppy murder a number of times and decided I would just drop anvils and pianos on them and stuff so you could see how terrible puppy murder is."

Many people spoke up against the film but were labeled "triggered conservatives" and "scandal-mongers" since they obviously just didn't get the message of the film, which very clearly teaches that puppy murder is bad.

New Netflix Movie Actually Murders Puppies To Teach That Murdering Puppies Is Bad

U.S.—Netflix is embroiled in controversy yet again with its new documentary Puppy Murder, a show where the director kills puppies to teach you that murdering puppies is bad.

babylonbee.com