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Do it like a man: Wham-bam-ring it up!
Saturday, July 24th, 2004
I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is not the point of shopping.
This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request. These scientists have traced the origins of shopping back to prehistoric times, when "shopping" was called "hunting," and primitive man would make out his "shopping list" by drawing, on his cave wall, a picture of his objective, usually a large wad of meat in the form of, say, a yak. He would then go out into the wild, locate his objective and make the "purchase" by whomping the yak on the head with a club.
This primitive shopper did not dillydally. He did not ask whether the yak was on sale. He did not summon his primitive men friends and ask them if they thought the yak made his hips look big. No, he just WHOMPED THE YAK and dragged it home, stopping only to whomp the primitive sales guys who appeared out of nowhere and tried to force him to purchase the service agreement.
This is the biological basis for shopping. And this is why, even today, most men, when they shop, go straight for the kill. I know I do. When I enter a store, I have a no-nonsense objective in mind, which is to locate, and secure, an electronic gizmo that I already have, except the new one has more features.
For example, recently, in a surgical shopping strike so blindingly fast you would need slow-motion replay even to see it, I located and secured a new cell phone that, in addition to being a phone, receives E-mail AND takes extremely low-quality photographs.
It has changed my life. Now, when I'm not using my phone's cell-phone feature ("Hello? Hello? Hello?") I can use the camera feature to record precious moments that I can share with others. ("Here's a picture of my daughter's ballet recital. Or, the Grand Canyon.") And thanks to my phone's E-mail feature, even when I'm away from my computer, I can receive the literally hundreds of urgent messages I receive every day from people wishing to enhance my manhood.
My wife did not understand why I needed this phone. Yet every guy I show it to immediately agrees that it is a vital necessity. I have a friend named Robert who has a similar phone, and recently we discovered that, theoretically, I could "beam" my address and phone number from my phone to his phone THROUGH THE AIR.
I say "theoretically" because we could not get it to actually work, although we spent a good 10 minutes standing about a foot apart, pointing our phones at each other and fruitlessly pressing buttons....
These women also suggested that we look at our owner's manuals, which, of course, is out of the question. For a guy, reading the manual is tantamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category....
