Adam's Apple
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Dating with Religious Differences
By Margot Carmichael Lester for msn.match.com
May 12, 2005
You attend religious services and observances regularly. Your new partner does not. Does this situation spell the end of your budding relationship, symbolize a gigantic hurdle to be gotten over, or create an opportunity to strengthen your bond? And how can you make the choice to take option number three when its so easy to fall into serious conflict over devotional differences?
The key is taking a positive and constructive approach. If you feel your partners decision not to attend services puts distance between the two of you, it probably will. But if you look at your differences with openness and curiosity and use them as an opportunity to understand each other better, youll be well on your way to feeling closer than ever.
Size up services vs. spirituality
Dont be too quick to judge your partners choice. As with most complicated parts of our lives, theres often more there than meets the eye. Rabbi Jan Goldstein of Los Angeles explains: There are rituals in our lives (secular and religious); peak moments in our lives. Some may get them from observance, some from hiking on a mountain. But the A-ha!the emotional high or meaningful sacred momentis an experience of the soul. Both people need to make an effort to find and celebrate that experience and honor it.
The bottom line: Focus more on your partners spirituality than on his or her attendance at religious services. There are couples who find in each others differences the inspiration to grow as well as openness for enrichment, Goldstein points out.
Talk it over
Start by assessing what spirituality means to you and your partner, counsels Les Parrott, author of Love Talk. Share what moves you, what rituals you observe, and look for common ground. He suggests these tips for having a successful discussion:
--Clarify your beliefs by charting each others spiritual journeys and values.
--Give up the idea of conversion dating (changing him or her after you marry).
--Recognize whether your spirituality is one of the most important aspects of who you are and that its important to be with someone who shares it.
--Talk about how you can respect each other when it comes to issues such as how to spend the holidays, interact with in-laws, and so on.
Blending and bonding
If you two have discussed all these facets of your relationship and are ready to move forward, consider ways to merge your spiritual traditions. Payal and Mario Cudio of Boston have dramatic religious differences. Shes Hindu; hes Catholic.
We probably began discussing our religious backgrounds as soon as we started talking about marriage, Payal recalls. We talked about how our religions were different and how that would play into our relationship and someday marriage and children. By discussing these issues, they realized just how many of the same values they shared. It is great to see the similarities between the two religions, says Mario.
Knowing when its not going to work
But for some, there is no common ground. That too is a gift, Rabbi Goldstein says. It lets you know pretty quickly this may not be the relationship you want to invest in. Such is the case for Rosemarie Jaszka of Patterson, N.J., whos decided to only date men who share her faith. To date outside one's box means to cross over from many things you deem sacred to many things you never even considered sacred. I found that I was the most content when I dated men who really understood my opinions and decisions.
Remembering the one key success secret
If you do decide to date someone whos non-observant or of another faith, remember that its not about your giving up services, or your partner becoming an active member of your congregation. Its about being together. After all, thats why youre dating in the first place.
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=3936&articleSrc=2&lid=159
By Margot Carmichael Lester for msn.match.com
May 12, 2005
You attend religious services and observances regularly. Your new partner does not. Does this situation spell the end of your budding relationship, symbolize a gigantic hurdle to be gotten over, or create an opportunity to strengthen your bond? And how can you make the choice to take option number three when its so easy to fall into serious conflict over devotional differences?
The key is taking a positive and constructive approach. If you feel your partners decision not to attend services puts distance between the two of you, it probably will. But if you look at your differences with openness and curiosity and use them as an opportunity to understand each other better, youll be well on your way to feeling closer than ever.
Size up services vs. spirituality
Dont be too quick to judge your partners choice. As with most complicated parts of our lives, theres often more there than meets the eye. Rabbi Jan Goldstein of Los Angeles explains: There are rituals in our lives (secular and religious); peak moments in our lives. Some may get them from observance, some from hiking on a mountain. But the A-ha!the emotional high or meaningful sacred momentis an experience of the soul. Both people need to make an effort to find and celebrate that experience and honor it.
The bottom line: Focus more on your partners spirituality than on his or her attendance at religious services. There are couples who find in each others differences the inspiration to grow as well as openness for enrichment, Goldstein points out.
Talk it over
Start by assessing what spirituality means to you and your partner, counsels Les Parrott, author of Love Talk. Share what moves you, what rituals you observe, and look for common ground. He suggests these tips for having a successful discussion:
--Clarify your beliefs by charting each others spiritual journeys and values.
--Give up the idea of conversion dating (changing him or her after you marry).
--Recognize whether your spirituality is one of the most important aspects of who you are and that its important to be with someone who shares it.
--Talk about how you can respect each other when it comes to issues such as how to spend the holidays, interact with in-laws, and so on.
Blending and bonding
If you two have discussed all these facets of your relationship and are ready to move forward, consider ways to merge your spiritual traditions. Payal and Mario Cudio of Boston have dramatic religious differences. Shes Hindu; hes Catholic.
We probably began discussing our religious backgrounds as soon as we started talking about marriage, Payal recalls. We talked about how our religions were different and how that would play into our relationship and someday marriage and children. By discussing these issues, they realized just how many of the same values they shared. It is great to see the similarities between the two religions, says Mario.
Knowing when its not going to work
But for some, there is no common ground. That too is a gift, Rabbi Goldstein says. It lets you know pretty quickly this may not be the relationship you want to invest in. Such is the case for Rosemarie Jaszka of Patterson, N.J., whos decided to only date men who share her faith. To date outside one's box means to cross over from many things you deem sacred to many things you never even considered sacred. I found that I was the most content when I dated men who really understood my opinions and decisions.
Remembering the one key success secret
If you do decide to date someone whos non-observant or of another faith, remember that its not about your giving up services, or your partner becoming an active member of your congregation. Its about being together. After all, thats why youre dating in the first place.
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=3936&articleSrc=2&lid=159
